The Ex

I've been thinking a lot about my immediate ex lately.. And kind of snooping through his Facebook page.. And pondering upon a few things.
One of them is this: is he still a virgin? .... I just want to know.. I think I wonder that about everyone, and I especially wonder that about him because well, I just do.
Another is this: .... I kind of wish we could still be friends. But I'm not so sure that that's what he wants. I reached out to him (sent him a message on facebook) and we had a short conversation.. I sent the last message and got no reply. So, I'm thinking that whatever I wanted to happen probably isn't going to happen.. And I don't really know what exactly I wanted to happen. I just know that now I would love for us to be friends and maybe even hang out. But definitely talk and be social with one another.
He was a fun guy before we dated... I'm sure he still is a fun guy.. I'd love to be his friend and chill with him.. But who knows if that'll happen?
Not me.

College Boy ♥

So, I know I've been posting a lot lately about some issues that I've been having with my significant other... But basically, we talked it all out, I got everything off of my mind and we're good now.
... So he's a college guy now! He's taking summer classes in a program at Baker University and I'm just like super happy for him! I just think it's the cutest thing ever that he's growing up and doing grown up things!
.... So what was the purpose of this post? To brag about my college-attending boyfriend? Totally.
So suck it all in. My boyfriend is a college student. <3 p="">

What Hurts Me

What hurts me is the fact that I'd jump at any opportunity to spend time with you, but you wouldn't do the same for me.
What hurts me is I'd spend ANY amount of money on you (within my means) just to make you happy and you wouldn't do the same.
What hurts me is I drop everything I'm doing just to talk to you, for a few minutes even, but I don't think you'd do the same...
And I'm pretty sure you did all that for her... Which is what hurts me the most.

Sloppy Seconds

She had your best. She had you when you were new to all this and fresh
When you were in love for the first time.
You spent "A LOT of money" on her......
And what do I have?
Whatever's left I guess.
I always knew that I was missing something
That you didn't give me nearly as much as you could
And now I understand that maybe you would
if I didn't have her leftovers
What do you give me? The time that's remaining
The affection that's left hanging after your long day of giving.
And I take it like a fool, thinking "well, this must be the best he can do"....
But really I just have what she left.
And honestly. It's not good enough for me.

_____

Ok, I'm stressed damnit!
My mom has basically missed my entire junior year because she's working in Alabama. What the heck is that? Now my sister is pregnant and still living with us. And my Aunt Lola is too now and she has alzheimer's so it's like I'm watching a child already. I'm tired. And I'm sick. And I'm tired. And I hate that my mom keeps doing this back and forth thing between home and Alabama. I can't take it anymore.
I'm stressed the freak out.
And I'm sick and I'm tired.
And I have a lot on my plate right now.
And I'm sick and I'm tired.
And Stressed

What's to Come

Sometimes I think about my future and I get excited about all the great things that are ahead of me. I think about going off to college and living on my own, without my parents holding my hand. I think about possibly playing volleyball in college and enjoying new friends and challenging classes. But most of all, I think about my future and feel nervousness because I don't know what's coming or what to expect.
Next school year I'll be a senior. My boyfriend (of about a year and a half by then) will be in college at KU, having new life experiences and meeting new people. And I'll be planning my future out. The one thing that really scares me that I could possibly lose a guy that I care a lot about. I'm not sure where my future college will be, but I'm quite certain that it's not at Lawrence. I'm also not sure if I'll be playing volleyball in college or not, but if I do, that'll be very time-consuming. I just don't see a lot of time in my future for a boyfriend and I don't see a lot of time in the future of my significant other for a girlfriend. It's all so blurry right now and I have no idea what's to come in next few years....
I just know that I have a lot of love for my guy and we both have a lot of love for God. So, if it's God's purpose for us to continue loving each other, I'm sure it'll happen... But it can be hard to trust sometimes, so prayers are appreciated!