I don't feel my writing juices flowing at the moment, but I still feel the need to write. I need to reflect, I need to express, I need need NEED to pour out everything that's inside of me and to just update my blog for future reflection purposes. So assuming that my juices will not magically turn on anytime soon, I will give you all a brief overview of what's happening in my life.

I am in grad school at KU. I am no longer an RA, and I currently live with a couple that attends our church in Lawrence. They've been super kind and very helpful for me, and until Andrew and I get married, that's where I'll be! However, Andrew and I are renting an apartment that's in Lawrence and he's living there now with our good friend Jackee! Jackee is living there until she leaves for an internship overseas... Honestly, having both of them in that apartment has been so joyous for me, as I love both of them a lot. Not only that, but they were some of my closest friends freshman year, so it almost feels very full circle that we are all kind of having this experience together.

It's lit.

My classes in grad school are ... coming along. Over the summer I took two classes--a practice seminar and a crisis intervention course. The former was taught by a Black Muslim woman, and the former was taught by a woke as hell White woman who's in a queer relationship with a Black person. The summer was wonderful with regards to classes. To compare my classmates and instructors to the ones that I'd had during my final year of undergrad, these people were way more woke and way more vocal about injustices for marginalized groups. And that sounds befitting, right? Because it's a master's program for social work.... But this Fall semester has been quite the shift.. Actually it just feels very similar to my experience in that last year of undergrad--full of ignorant White women that come from wealthy families and want to either work in foster care or become owners of their own private practices. So uhh... I guess I don't even need to say that so far, ya girl's been strugglin.

My experience in my classes is nothing new, of course, but after being exposed to so much woke Whiteness within the last year and a half, I just think that it'd be silly to settle for any less. The woke Whiteness that I'm mainly referencing here is about my pastor at our church! The church that Andrew has begun to pastor at, to be specific. At our church, Andrew is the youth and college pastor, while our lead pastor is a White dude in his 40s who is like so woke and so bold about it. It seems like almost every Sunday our pastor uses the platform that he has to challenge the forces of Whiteness. And he's honest and gracious in exposing the idols of nationalism that exist in our nation and within the Church here in the U.S. It's uhh pretty novel and extremely refreshing and so encouraging. Hearing our pastor openly rebuke White people with courage and kindness encourages me to go on another day... It emboldens me to do the same and advocate with pride for people that look like me that maybe do not have the same platforms as I.

It's also lit.

Andrew and I are engaged and preparing for our wedding in December. Can you even believe it?! I'm extremely excited and ready to be this man's wife. And I'm ready to freaking start our lives together. To an extent, it feels like we've already started our lives since we have the apartment and have already prepped major items for the big day.... But when it actually becomes reality, I will be so so glad.

We struggle, yall. Real talk. Like we argue almost everyday (but that's not anything new) and we learn more and more the intricacies that make each of us who we are. Sometimes we do and say things that are so wounding and painful, and we end up having to apologize and repair... I feel like in this season we're getting closer and closer to one another and falling deeper and deeper in love as we hold onto one another and onto God as the only one that can love us perfectly. And the process overall is just challenging. It's painful, and seeing my own reflection is painful. Coming to terms with my own flaws has been so painful and sometimes unsettling. But I think that we continue to prove to ourselves and each other that there's no level of perfection or morality that must be reached in order to get married. I think church culture can convince of that, and it's really very untrue.

I don't know how to describe my headspace right now in this season. I think I'm just pushing through and trying to enjoy the moments. This season feels very tense because in almost every aspect of my life, I'm located in a space that's very temporary. Grad school is temporary, living with the couple from church is temporary, and being engaged to Andrew is temporary. I've always liked to believe that knowing an eternal God on a personal level would be comforting in the midst of fleeting circumstances.

So uhh I guess that's it.