(My) Sweet Depression Part II

We find ourselves meeting again, sweet depression

Over the years and through all of the challenges and changes, you return to me

Finding new ways to fit into the molds of my life now, and proving yourself to be even more adaptable than I ever could have imagined

Before you were all I had, and now I have much more

Much more resilience, much more courage. Much more wisdom and much more heart.

And I find myself still in the newness that life has brought

Here with you, my sweet depression

What I was certain was temporary has demonstrated characteristics of permanence

Like an anchor in my soul that appears different with the changing of seasons

You remain in the depths of my heart--unrelenting, steadfast, ever-enduring like that's just who you are

No one loves me like you, no one remains or persists so devoutly to me

You have become my air and breath. You are essential to my life, you are water, you are sustenance

Sweet depression

Always there, forever all that I've got

Ugh

Can I still protect myself when I'm wrong? Is that allowed here?
Being wrong puts me out front and center in the mess of the war... Exposed. Open for attack. Painful.
And if I'm wrong then maybe that's where I need to be... In pain, open, exposed.
But shit that sucks. Am I a big baby that just can't handle being wrong? Am I a child that runs in the face of my own mistakes? Ha ha ha. Hell yes.
It hurts too damn much to confront my imperfections... So much easier to remain covered, while uncovering yours. Can that just be fair?

Josh Died

"Joshua was killed in a car accident this morning..."
"What?!"
And then it all went blank. It hurts, and I never thought I could hurt like this before.

I don't feel my writing juices flowing at the moment, but I still feel the need to write. I need to reflect, I need to express, I need need NEED to pour out everything that's inside of me and to just update my blog for future reflection purposes. So assuming that my juices will not magically turn on anytime soon, I will give you all a brief overview of what's happening in my life.

I am in grad school at KU. I am no longer an RA, and I currently live with a couple that attends our church in Lawrence. They've been super kind and very helpful for me, and until Andrew and I get married, that's where I'll be! However, Andrew and I are renting an apartment that's in Lawrence and he's living there now with our good friend Jackee! Jackee is living there until she leaves for an internship overseas... Honestly, having both of them in that apartment has been so joyous for me, as I love both of them a lot. Not only that, but they were some of my closest friends freshman year, so it almost feels very full circle that we are all kind of having this experience together.

It's lit.

My classes in grad school are ... coming along. Over the summer I took two classes--a practice seminar and a crisis intervention course. The former was taught by a Black Muslim woman, and the former was taught by a woke as hell White woman who's in a queer relationship with a Black person. The summer was wonderful with regards to classes. To compare my classmates and instructors to the ones that I'd had during my final year of undergrad, these people were way more woke and way more vocal about injustices for marginalized groups. And that sounds befitting, right? Because it's a master's program for social work.... But this Fall semester has been quite the shift.. Actually it just feels very similar to my experience in that last year of undergrad--full of ignorant White women that come from wealthy families and want to either work in foster care or become owners of their own private practices. So uhh... I guess I don't even need to say that so far, ya girl's been strugglin.

My experience in my classes is nothing new, of course, but after being exposed to so much woke Whiteness within the last year and a half, I just think that it'd be silly to settle for any less. The woke Whiteness that I'm mainly referencing here is about my pastor at our church! The church that Andrew has begun to pastor at, to be specific. At our church, Andrew is the youth and college pastor, while our lead pastor is a White dude in his 40s who is like so woke and so bold about it. It seems like almost every Sunday our pastor uses the platform that he has to challenge the forces of Whiteness. And he's honest and gracious in exposing the idols of nationalism that exist in our nation and within the Church here in the U.S. It's uhh pretty novel and extremely refreshing and so encouraging. Hearing our pastor openly rebuke White people with courage and kindness encourages me to go on another day... It emboldens me to do the same and advocate with pride for people that look like me that maybe do not have the same platforms as I.

It's also lit.

Andrew and I are engaged and preparing for our wedding in December. Can you even believe it?! I'm extremely excited and ready to be this man's wife. And I'm ready to freaking start our lives together. To an extent, it feels like we've already started our lives since we have the apartment and have already prepped major items for the big day.... But when it actually becomes reality, I will be so so glad.

We struggle, yall. Real talk. Like we argue almost everyday (but that's not anything new) and we learn more and more the intricacies that make each of us who we are. Sometimes we do and say things that are so wounding and painful, and we end up having to apologize and repair... I feel like in this season we're getting closer and closer to one another and falling deeper and deeper in love as we hold onto one another and onto God as the only one that can love us perfectly. And the process overall is just challenging. It's painful, and seeing my own reflection is painful. Coming to terms with my own flaws has been so painful and sometimes unsettling. But I think that we continue to prove to ourselves and each other that there's no level of perfection or morality that must be reached in order to get married. I think church culture can convince of that, and it's really very untrue.

I don't know how to describe my headspace right now in this season. I think I'm just pushing through and trying to enjoy the moments. This season feels very tense because in almost every aspect of my life, I'm located in a space that's very temporary. Grad school is temporary, living with the couple from church is temporary, and being engaged to Andrew is temporary. I've always liked to believe that knowing an eternal God on a personal level would be comforting in the midst of fleeting circumstances.

So uhh I guess that's it.

Damn. An Outpouring of My Heart in Response to Lisa Sharon Harper

God, Lord. Jesus, my King. God, my Father. Holy Spirit, my helper. I need this time and this space to hear from you, to seek you, to know you. To be restored in you....


God, I've come to the realization that you've been pruning and digging in me to reshape and decolonize my theology and faith in you. After hearing Lisa Sharon Harper's theological exegesis, I know that there is hope! Praise you, Lord, that there is hope!! I've felt for so long that I had been doing things the wrong way.. I had been reading the scripture through Western individualistic lenses and seeing my errors but not knowing how to correct my vision.

God, only YOU could give me new eyes and a new heart and a fresh perspective on your Word. You, through your Holy Spirit, empower me to see! God, there is most certainly a very intimate relationship between you and I. And it is through that intimacy that you whisper in my ear the subjects that are pressed so deeply into your heart. For so long I have wondered how we could so blindly only see one way of worshipping and communing with you. I have felt the weight of hopelessness and pressure to "get it right". But God.... Your desire was never for me to get it right, and I thank you for showing me that over the years. Your desire, however, is and always has been to restore the shalom between each and every one of us.

God. YOU CARE ABOUT THE BROKENNESS BETWEEN THE RACES. YOU CARE ABOUT THE WALLS OF HOSTILITY THAT STILL EXIST IN OUR SOCIETY TODAY. God, and your desire has always been and forever will be to restore shalom within us.

God, seeking restoration of shalom takes hella courage. It requires a humility that is fervent, an understanding of my sins and the impact of them. They destroy right relationship between myself and I, myself and you, and myself and the world. When the burden of those who have been wronged is to forgive, the responsibility of the wrong-doer is to repent. And to repent requires reparation and restitution.

Lord, teach me. From the abundance of your riches and glory, from the everlasting and never-ending depths of your wisdom by just being who you are, from the depths of your holiness, Father..... Help me. This is a re-igniting of my faith, for sure. And Lord, I want to be in love with you forever. I want to wake up every morning and feel your presence, be awakened in your mercy, and be empowered to see the spiritual realm on a larger scale than how it solely impacts me.

Help me, Father. You have called me to much much higher. Thank you.

A Change

The summer winds down, classes come to an close, babysitting is almost reaching its end... And with these endings slowing drawing near, some beginnings are coming to shore as well....

I'll be living with a family from our church starting tomorrow. I'll begin my second semester of grad school in about 19 days. Andrew and I will be getting married in a little over 150 days. And we'll be living together when that happens. Until then, he'll be living in our new apartment in Lawrence.... Man, am I so nervous.

Everything is changing again, and it's so daunting for me. I remember the last time I had a major change like this was four years ago when I had moved into my college scholarship hall. It was my first time having roommates, my first time living away from home for more than a week, my first time being away from home as a somewhat adult. But now things are much different. I'll be living with a man, and that man will be my husband. We'll be sharing money, a car, a home, a space, and our entire lives with each other.... That's more than I've ever had to share before, and I haven't really had to share much!

I feel anxious and nervous and excited and a ton of other emotions.

And I honestly can't even deny the immense sorrow that I am feeling for my family. As time goes on, I begin to see more and more damage that has been done and unresolved in the past. It hurts. And confronting it hurts even more. I believe that I am doing the right thing here. I believe that I am making the right steps forward. I believe that I have been truthful and honest in pursuing reconciliation. And it hurts when reconciliation does not come; it hurts when people want to put band-aids on problems instead of resolving them....

But what am I to do? Continue in that cycle when I know that it will only cause more hurt and damage in the future? :(

God, if this is what you would have me to do, I need you to tell me. Affirm me in this fight because it's hard and it hurts. I need your grace and wisdom and love everyday. Help me, Lord.

7/4/2018

I made it past half of the year.. Or should I say "we" made it? And it feels as though I'm barely alive. I grasp for something to hold onto and a small peace of mind to reflect on what's happened so far... And overall it just feels so fast.

What progress have I made? That's the real question here... What measurable growth have I observed? Well, I started going to therapy. I see a woman who works on campus (for $15, I might add), and have begun the process of better managing my emotions. With the help of some really good friends, I've been able to identify that my struggle has not just been an emotional battle, but most definitely a spiritual one and, after asking the Lord to show me things happening at a spiritual level, you'd think I'd appreciate his response... Lol I guess I just didn't expect it to look like this.

So, this morning, July 5, 2018 at 4:13am, I am sitting with some thoughts that I'd like to pen down. The first is this: where am I at spiritually in this situation with my grandma?

Here are some thoughts that are guiding my reflection... I've recently come to this realization that a mastery of my emotions is going to be much deeper and require much more of me than just controlling my thoughts and centering my feelings. It takes some self-examination, some true knowledge of the scriptures (because the Word is the mirror to my soul), and honestly some power and help from the Holy Spirit to change. And I think that at this point in my life, working towards these things and praying fervently for these things is one of the most revolutionary things that I can do...

I think that my life is really marked with a calling to break cycles, and some of the current cycles that I feel called to breaking are familial, personal, generational, relational, systemic... And damn, I think I realize more and more each day my inability to do that by myself (i.e., without the Lord's help....).

I think that the Lord has given me tools and support to continue in this fight. I can identify those: my friends with whom I can share these struggles, my fiancee, my new mentor, my older sister, and my new therapist; the Holy Spirit, who helps and empowers and teaches me; my Savior Jesus, who shows the way and embraces me; and my Father God, who hears me and moves on my behalf....

I guess the point is that I am equipped. I have the resources, the power, the strength... The only question left is whether or not I will make use of them.

4/13/2018

Senioritis is real, and people hurt people.

I don't really know what's worse: the fact that my grandma hasn't spoken to me since Christmas, or my mom continually making excuses for my grandma's actions. But all of it hurts...

At this point I don't even think I have words to describe my frustrations... It just hurts. I go back and forth in my mind, heart, and spirit about what's best--whether to keep my distance or to call my grandma. I feel as though keeping my distance is allowing pride to control me. But I also believe that calling her would only give her the impression that I am willing to subject myself to the grotesque way in which she treats people. And I am not.

So maybe... Maybe that's the answer. But why does every answer make me feel yucky? I just know that... I want so desperately to break cycles within my family. And within the family that Andrew and I are starting, I must break cycles. We must break cycles together. The cycle of toxic mother-daughter relationships ends with me. The cycle of favoritism ends with me. The cycle of mental health negligence ends with me. The cycle of poor coping skills, the myth of the StrongBlackWoman, pride, and idolizing work, school, and my mother ends with me. Point blank.

But getting there is hard. I need guidance in so many ways... I need discipleship and leading, and I'd prefer that be done by woman of color. And I pray that one day God will bring me that..

I just... Wanted to get out some thoughts... The pain is real. But God is too and I've seen him heal me of deep wounds in the past. So do I really trust him? Yes. Is it hard? Absolutely... God, take all of me! I give you my trust and faith, and ask that you help my unbelief! You are King. You are Ruler, you are sovereign. You are mighty. You are healer, provider, honestly..... You are way-maker.

El Mes de Marzo

We saw Black Panther for a second time exactly a week after seeing it for the first time.

We went on a double date with a couple of friends; went bowling and ate at Chili's.

We relaxed together... We enjoyed days off, and rested in each other's arms....

We went to California for Spring Break.... I met Andrew's parents, best friend, and former disciplers.... And 5 days into the trip, Andrew asked me to marry him. It was beautiful and sweet, and of course I said yes!

But I also went with a group of high school girls to get prom dresses (that were all free!), and I got a graduation dress for free too!

And I modeled for Johana's project then spent some time with Jackee, Lauren, and Johana for a little bit....

I confronted some tension between a former friend and I.. It was strange because I'd felt betrayed, and did not believe that her reasons for why she'd done what she'd done were sufficient. And I really liked this girl, so it sucked.

I also confronted some of the tension between my mom, my sister, and I. I told my mom outright that she obviously favors me and that it's wrong. I told her that it makes me not want to interact with her, and that it's unfair. My mom ignored me.

I pointed out specific instances when they happened and still... My mom ignored me.

My eyes have been opened to a lot. My heart is broken in a lot of ways. But simultaneously I feel emboldened to tell the truth... To "speak the truth to power", and that's a new thing. It feels like more of my persona now. And I don't know if that's good or bad.

Now we're planning an engagement party, a graduation party, and a wedding. Time flies.

And life is happening right before our eyes. My heart is almost racing right now. And it's simultaneously heavy with excitement, fear, and bewilderment....

What is to come? It makes me nervous. What is to come...

What Is Life Even

Life is bitter freaking sweet.

Within a week... One week. I was accepted into the grad program for which I applied, and notified of my acceptance into a huuuuuge scholarship program at my university... And my boyfriend was unjustly removed from his position of leadership in our schools student government... by people that we considered genuine friends, at that. So while I was on a high from this exciting news, my babe was at a low from being betrayed, humiliated, and completely caught off guard by these attacks....

And through it all we're sifting through the emotions, pressing through the pain, celebrating the accomplishments.. But it gave me a reality check, to be honest. Because I lived a relatively privileged life with everything I could possibly need and want, I got into the routine of having things my way... Enjoying everyday of life as though the world were on my side 90% of the time... But I'm learning that life isn't always so sweet...

Family members use words that cut deep, friends rally against us without understanding, and jobs come and go right when we think we're on the cusp of accomplishing something great... And it hurts. While all of this goes on, we make major accomplishments, celebrate huge victories, and plan with excitement for what lays ahead... There's such a mix between bitter and sweet that you just really have to take life as it comes....

And embrace the Lord in every moment. Reflect on your emotions and lessons learned, and heal along the journey. Advocate for yourself and for others and pray so so much for the humility and wisdom to do it right... That's at least what February's been for me.

And I'm just reflecting for self-care. <3

Stream of tears Consciousness

I don't have all the words, yet I still wish to create poetry
I wish my words could mean something but I don't think they do
And I really feel that they don't
But what the hell am I actually feeling?
Cuz I am feeling like everything is wrong, but at the same time I can't put my finger on one specific thing
Except two days ago I was talking with the guys on my floor. They started randomly talking about how many Black people attended their high school. They talked about the privileged people with whom they attended school, but only 13 of those kids were Black. They talked about how they lived in a Suburb, so that's probably why. And I felt disgusting. So disgusting that today when I came in and one of them complimented my hair, I no longer felt special or admirable. I just felt like shit.
Like... My hair is different. That was my exact thought when the masseuse was rubbing my jawline to work out the knots. His hands slowly moved across the back of my head, and I tensed up immediately thinking "Oh no. My hair is different. He's probably never touched a Black girl's hair before."
That too felt like shit.
I heard on a podcast once that "White supremacy is the normalizing of Whiteness." That shit stuck
And the more I learn, the more I can see it... The more I can see why "my hair is different"
The more I can see why it's a huge deal that Wyatt went to high school with five Black people, and Jacob's suburban high school only had thirteen.
That's why every time "my hair is different" they feel the need to comment on it. Like I'm a fucking circus animal. Or like I'm a zoo pet.
Shit. That's why people that I consider to be good fucking White friends pet my head when they see my afro.
I can't hate White people because Jesus loves me in all of my sinful ignorance. Shit.
And as much as it hurts me to be objectified and stereotyped and marginalized and othered, Jesus gets it.

And it hurts like hell, dude. I'm so sick of fucking Whiteness.

Don't Think I Forgot...

Please

Don't think I forgot about you... Your soft brown eyes, your wavy hair

As if it'd even be possible at this point

Because it's not. With all that we went through, erasing history would be impossible

And impossible too is the idea of erasing you

From the memories in my mind, in which you are etched almost permenantly

You permeated everything... Just about everything that I had

My life, my mind, my body, my soul

And now erasing you is nowhere near feasible, to say the least

At least what we had was real.

It was not just a flicker of light--here and then gone,

Gone and then back, but my back shows the marks of our love continually

And so I continually look back at what was, thirsting for what could have been

Been there, done that. No more going back, but moving forward

And onward with someone new. But that doesn't mean that I am rid of you

And should it?

You were my first. For so long you were my all. You were my everything

And nothing else mattered as long as we were...

And now I've moved on, but I still wonder if I really have

Have my heart and mind abandoned you for another?

And while my body has, I still wonder have the others?

Is it even possible for a heart to detach? And although I know it isn't fair, my soul has been latched

And unlatching has proven difficult, which is why I look back

Back at the impossibility of ever forgetting you... Your soft brown eyes, your wavy hair

Your timid touch, your lingering stare, your embracing lips, your strength with words, your inquisitive care, your unintentional verbs

Just please don't ever think that I forgot. Because I can't.

My Family

Today's the day. The last day of church services at my church in Lawrence, Antioch Community Church. For the last two years, Antioch has been so much to me. It's been my home away from home, my community, my family. Antioch has been one of the few things in college that remains constant through the numerous changes that come with being a college student, and after tonight, I think that all of that will be over.
However, instead of sulking over what is no longer and dwelling on the former things, I am choosing now to reflect on some of the blessings that have come with being apart of such a deep and lively community... Here are those blessings:
1. I've learned what it means to love my neighbor, to embrace the body of Christ, and to honor and bless those that hurt me--intentionally or unintentionally. This has been and continues to be a huge challenge being in this community, but it's taught me so much of what is near to God's heart and what it looks like to really truly deeply love people. And that really isn't always easy.
2. I've learned the importance of discipleship, community, and walking with people who love Jesus towards the Father with transparency and vulnerability. Again, this has not been an easy thing to learn, but it's been SO GOOD for my spiritual and emotional health! It's helped me to see God from the perspectives of many different people and to hear the hearts of others for the Lord and for the desires that he's given them!
3. I've learned  of God's immense love for every single person on this earth. I've learned that God has chosen people to receive Christ and that, although he's chosen people, not everyone wants to receive him. In addition, I've also learned the importance of sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ with people regardless of whether or not they wish to receive his free gift of salvation.

I've learned so much by being part of this community, and I've been able to let down my guard to be freely who I am called to be. I've found a family that loves me and loves Jesus and spurs me on to doing good works and encourages and challenges me to be even more the woman that God created me to be. *HEAVY SIGHS*

And now it's over. In some sense, it's over.


But the Lord is good and he is faithful. And although he causes grief, he has compassion. He comforts us in all of our afflictions. He causes these broken bones to rejoice in his name. And he works literally everything out for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purposes.
He is sovereign.
He gives and takes away.

And he is good. I will bless his name because he is the only constant in my life.

I Forget

Sometimes I forget....
I forget about that lonely night in my bedroom in Kansas City where you met my heart so sweetly. The night that I was left without the hope of receiving love from what I once thought was an unconditional source... I often forget that night. And I forget the way that you suddenly appeared to me after tenderly whispering "Come" and I came. Only a small pace did I take in your direction, but I heard the gentle beckon and began my reluctant pursuit. But the part that I tend to forget is your hurried response to my weak and uncertain "Yes"....

Every now and then I have trouble remembering that heavy night that I snuck back into my dorm room on 14th and Louisiana. The shame, the guilt, and the disgust I felt come to mind much more often because those feelings are all too familiar. I find it hard, however, to recall the comforting embrace that told me "You're forgiven" when that was the last thing I wanted to hear. Your overwhelming grace that surrounded every part of my heart and each member of the body that I'd already deemed condemned and damned enveloped me.. But that's what I tend to forget.

It seems that almost every single day I need reminding of those days when I would walk the long way to class just to talk with you and to hear your voice--your soothing, calming, thundering, tremendous, gentle, passionate, sweet, warm voice. I forget hearing you say to me "You need me" because I oftentimes just feel like I can do it all by myself. And I just forget... I forget that apart from you I can do nothing.

So I just go on about my day without listening to your gentle beckons and sweet, sweet summons... All you want is just to whisper in my ear of your love for me. You just want to wrap me up in your warm and forgiving arms--your arms that know no shame! You just want to hold me so tightly in a never-ending embrace of love--true love. The ONLY love that's not hard to find, the only love that's forever focused on ME. The only love that gives me what I so selfishly desire--desire! Because you just desire to be with me, to hold me, to speak to me, to love me, to know me, to behold me....

Your love--I just forget how sweet it really is. But you are so kind, so faithful to remind me. Of your love <3

Mi Verano Hasta Ahora... Y Qué Viene

Lord, have mercy! Friends, there's just A TON that I'd like to share about my summer, and I don't even know where to begin!

I suppose I'll start with what life's been like being home! It's been HARD! Oh my goodness, it's been hard! I am not working while I am in Kansas City this summer, so that leaves a lot of time to...ya know... Rest, I suppose! So, that's basically what I've been doing! Resting, cleaning up, spending good quality time with friends and family members, and trying my absolute best to seek what the Lord has for me in this season. I felt like before this summer started that the Lord spoke the word "uncomfortable" over this summer for me. And lemme tell ya--that's been pretty spot-on so far!



Being at home without working has given me loads of free time, which I am SO not used to. I don't know that I've ever had a season of life that wasn't busy--at least not since sometime in early high school! So, being at home without working has been a challenge. I think that through those challenges, though, I learned to seek the Lord for new ways to seek him! Lol. It's strange, but it's good. And I've also just kind of learned to not compare my season of life to those of others; what the Lord has for me right now is for me right now. And I will receive it with open hands and open heart!

Then..... I went to Tijuana, Mexico!!!!!!! While in Mexico, I personally got to witness/lead about 5 people to the Lord and also saw the Lord do so much in me throughout the trip! A couple of specific things that I believe the Lord did in me I'd like to share. One was basically showing me that when I delight in Him, he is faithful to give me the desires of my heart! The trip as a whole to Mexico was a dream come true, to say the least, and NONE of that would've been possible had I not drawn near to the Lord to delight in him. Praise God for His faithfulness, okay?!






Second, the Lord just showed me that He can and will use me when I make myself available to Him. On one of our last days there on the trip, I was on the beach with a few friends just for leisure and having a good time. We'd had set outreach times, but this was just a time to do whatever we pleased. As I was on the beach, I went to a food cart for a snack, and long story short, a girl ended up giving her life to Jesus right then and there! It was insane and I was so thankful that the Lord wanted to include me in what He was doing! I didn't have to do anything special but just be open to letting the Lord use me.. And thank God that that's what He wants to do!



So, the rest of my summer will also look a bit different than normal for me. On July 16th I'll travel to Selma, AL (again) for an internship with an amazing group of people that LOVE JESUS and seek to display His love and His freedom in their lives! Can I just say that I'm thankful?! I am SO THANKFUL that the Lord continues to open doors for me.. Doors that allow me to grow amongst other believers.. Doors that allow me to see different cultures and experience the way different people serve and worship Him...

I'm just thankful.

Life Is Happening

Oh my goodness.
Where do I even begin.
This month marks 6 months (that's half a year, folks) of being intentionally single. Of consecrating myself for the Lord, and seeking to deepen my relationship with Him and Him alone! What a ride this has been!

At the moment I should be studying for finals, but here's what I'm actually doing. I'm writing this blog post because I am so anxious. Here's what's happening in my life.

Yes, I am single for at least the next 6 months, but there's an extremely wonderful and amazing guy that's interested in pursuing me. That scares, excites, and frustrates me. For lots of reasons, but I'm not gonna put them all here. And so, persevering with this dating fast is H-A-R-D HARD.... I need help.

"Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what had been spoken to her by the Lord."
Luke 1:45

I'm going to Tijuana this summer. Both of my parents are terrified. I am not. Why? Because God said go. What I am terrified of, though, is telling my parents that God said go and genuinely showing them that I would like to honor them in this decision to go. Terrified. Why and I terrified of this? Because all my life I've pretty much always wanted to just please my parents. And lately I've been feeling like God's been showing me that I can honor them and obey Him at the same time. Because ultimately, obeying and honoring Him is what's most important. Help me, God, to honor my parents through this decision to follow you. Help me to trust you and trust that you know what you're doing. Give me PEACE, Lord. Give me you.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
2 Timothy 1:7


My life is taking off, you guys! I am so nervous right now; I'm a big ball of anxiety and nerves and thrill and excitement. I don't know what to do with it all. But I know that God's truth is SO MUCH BIGGER than all of my feelings and emotions. And God sits on the throne of my heart, guarding it so that whatever comes from it comes from Him. He keeps me at perfect peace, and those who trust in the Lord shall not be put to shame.

This... I just need this right now. I need truth. Because I don't feel truth. I feel fear. But God is gracious, merciful, and good.


LORD HELP ME. <3 p="">

Do Not Be Deceived...

All my life I'd heard the verse in Galatians 6:7 that reads, "Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap" (ESV). And when I heard this verse, I always believed that it had close to the same meaning as the Buddhist idea of karma, which basically tells us that "What goes around comes around". I believed this to be true until I saw a quote one day on Pintrest that made me think otherwise. The quote read: "Karma [means that] we get what we deserve. Christianity [means that] Jesus got what we deserved." And, because that quote sounded so much more like Biblical truth, I began to ask God what exactly he meant by that verse in Galatians 6.

So here's some of the revelation that I've gotten from the Lord so far. In the fifth chapter of Galatians, Paul tells the Christian church in Galatia that, because Jesus set us free, we must walk in the freedom that is provided us through the Holy Spirit. We do this by walking in the Spirit, instead of walking by the flesh. He makes it a point even outline what the works of the flesh are, so as to avoid any confusion. They are "sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies and things like these" (v. 19 & 20, ESV). So if these are the works of the flesh and we are to avoid those, there must be works of the Spirit that we should wanna cling to, right?

Thankfully, Paul outlines what those are too. He calls them the fruit of the Spirit in verses 22 & 23. "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control..." (ESV).

So what on earth does all this have to do with what Paul says in Galatians 6:7???
Well, in verse 8 of Galatians chapter 6, Paul explains what he means by verse 7, and how all of chapter 5 plays into it all as well. Verse 8 reads, "For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will reap eternal life" (ESV). Praise Jesus, right?! So, verse 7 doesn't mean that whatever we do to others will eventually be done unto us, or that our actions reap the merited consequences of them; what it means, though, is that we must be careful what we are feeding ourselves and pay attention to whether we are sowing into the flesh or the Spirit. If we feed, or sow into, the flesh (i.e., the works of the flesh, mentioned in Gal. 5:19-20), we will reap corruption. That sounds befitting, right? But if we sow into the Spirit by partaking in the Word of God, seeking God daily, and delighting in the things of the Lord, we will reap eternal life. God promised it, so it's true.
Hope this blesses y'all!

Fearless

I wanna be fearless.
I wanna look at what's before me--the mess that my life has become, the hopeless and broken girl collapsed on my bed, the hurtful words of my mom that pierce my soul--and have no fear.
I want to hear doubtful whispers that you aren't even real, that if you were real you wouldn't care.... I want to hear every single lie and be fearless.

I wanna trust you without fear. I wanna be face to face with the devil and stand with courage because you are real. Fearless.

God, make me fearless.

GOD, okay?

Where do I even begin??? I just wanna tell you all about everything the Lord's been doing in my life, but I just feel that one blog post is not gonna cut it... Ehh, I'll try anyway :)

First off, my winter break was OMG SO BOMB. Before going into any new or different season of life, I like to pray and ask God what he has for me in that season. I do this because I like to have a clear vision for what's ahead and then pray into that; whatever God wants for me, that's what I want for me cuz IT'S GOOD! So I'd prayed a lot for the things I wanted to see during my winter break--mainly just to have good, quality time with my family members and friends because it's so easy to waste time when we're together. I feel like I've done that all my life--just got together with family and enjoyed myself but didn't leave knowing anything more about them. I feel as though that's a waste of time; I don't want to only know surface-level information about my family members, I want to go deep!
So the Lord did that in so many ways. I had the chance to confront some latent issues that I'd had with my mom, feelings of resentment and hostility were confronted and I know that the Lord is beginning a work in that area. I was able to spend great time with my aunt who I feel as though I barely know! I got a chance to have deep conversations with my sister and I even got to pray with 2 of my closest friends!!! It was powerful and wonderful and GOD IS GREAT.

So the portion of my break where I was at home was, without a doubt, successful! For the final week of Winter Break, I went to Selma, Alabama to volunteer on an Alternative Break! And, as I love to pray into different seasons of life, I didn't really get a chance to pray into this one, and that kind of concerned me. But OH MY GOSH, God blew that thing all the way up! It was AMAZING and completely life-changing.
The organization that my group volunteered with--Something New Organization, formerly known as the Freedom Foundation--is not a Christian based organization. But most of its volunteers all attend the same church together, live in community together, and FREAKING LOVE JESUS!! It was such an amazing experience to actually feel God's love and see the Gospel lived out by people who didn't even need to say Jesus' name. You could just FEEL the love of God all throughout that place and it was extraordinary! Not only were the people that we met amazing but God also did some wonderful things for me personally while I was there... God just gave me CLEAR VISION of what it is that he's calling me to do. I now know that I am called to start up a mentorship program through the schools in Wyandotte County! It's not what I had planned before but if God has that for me, I want it... So Ima just do it. <3 p="">

Umm.. That's my winter break but since then, there have been other amazing things that the Lord's been doing in my life!

For starters, it is totes true that God works everything out for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose! Would you like evidence of that? Great!
So during my freshman year of college, I made the HUGE mistake of befriending a guy who was just not so good for me. What started off as a merely platonic relationship between 2 strangers soon (exactly 2 weeks after meeting) became a disastrous, unhealthy, toxic, sexual affair. It was probably one of the most difficult spiritual battles that I had encountered and entertained during my freshman year of college; it'd brought about so much shame and guilt that I didn't wish to shine a light on with anyone really. I'd gone through a cycle of obedience to God by cutting the guy out of my life and disobedience to God by welcoming him back into my life that was impeding growth and honestly tearing me apart emotionally. I finally completely cut the guy out of my life (by blocking his number and deleting and blocking him on Facebook and Twitter) in early October of 2015 and I believed for sure that that door was completely closed. Little did I know that the door would be reopened in a new way only a few months later.
So in January of 2016, I butted in on a conversation between a couple of friends and found out that the guy with whom I'd had that long, terrible, draining, and awful affair had been having an affair similar to ours with a girl that I'd be working extremely closely with; she and I were on an executive board of an organization together! Now, you know that that's supposed to be a disaster, right?!? Well, upon finding out that information, I initially just knew that the girl and I needed to sit and down talk it through. So that's what we did--we talked, we exchanged experiences (which were quite similar, might I add), and we PRAYED for each other... 

I was filled with SO MUCH JOY. The Lord worked out that whole disaster of a situation that I probbaly shouldn't have been in in the first place for the good of both of us. The situation has since brought the two of us closer, which is such a blessing because situations like that typically don't end well. To this day I'm still kind of shocked and healing from that experience. I'm learning to forgive that guy for the lies he told and the ways in which he hurt me, but I know that God will continue to reveal himself to me through the process. The process hurts from time to time, but it's good and meaningful. And if I allow God to have every piece of pain that I feel, I know that he is faithful to give me beauty for ashes.....


I hope that all this encourages you guys! God's amazing! Living a life of surrender unto him is SO WORTH IT!

Thankful

Just a random post because I randomly wanted to say how thankful I am.
The Lord is so kind to me and I don't understand why ever...

But he is and I accept. So many great things happened this semester and I'm totally undeserving of it all... But still the Lord gives to me. A verse that I recently read was Psalm 37:26. It reads, "He is ever lending generously, and his children become a blessing."


I'm just so thankful that the Lord is generous to me because now I can be a blessing to others. I felt the Lord say today that he wants me to volunteer over winter break... So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna pour out the love that God has given me and be a blessing.


He is so kind, y'all! So kind!