I'll be living with a family from our church starting tomorrow. I'll begin my second semester of grad school in about 19 days. Andrew and I will be getting married in a little over 150 days. And we'll be living together when that happens. Until then, he'll be living in our new apartment in Lawrence.... Man, am I so nervous.
Everything is changing again, and it's so daunting for me. I remember the last time I had a major change like this was four years ago when I had moved into my college scholarship hall. It was my first time having roommates, my first time living away from home for more than a week, my first time being away from home as a somewhat adult. But now things are much different. I'll be living with a man, and that man will be my husband. We'll be sharing money, a car, a home, a space, and our entire lives with each other.... That's more than I've ever had to share before, and I haven't really had to share much!
I feel anxious and nervous and excited and a ton of other emotions.
And I honestly can't even deny the immense sorrow that I am feeling for my family. As time goes on, I begin to see more and more damage that has been done and unresolved in the past. It hurts. And confronting it hurts even more. I believe that I am doing the right thing here. I believe that I am making the right steps forward. I believe that I have been truthful and honest in pursuing reconciliation. And it hurts when reconciliation does not come; it hurts when people want to put band-aids on problems instead of resolving them....
But what am I to do? Continue in that cycle when I know that it will only cause more hurt and damage in the future? :(
God, if this is what you would have me to do, I need you to tell me. Affirm me in this fight because it's hard and it hurts. I need your grace and wisdom and love everyday. Help me, Lord.
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