A Matter of Trust... And All the Other Emotions That I'm Emoting

I'm making a list of all the things I must address in this post:
1. Boys and crap
2. Churches and doctrines and baptism and God
3. Life
4. Investments
5. Money


Boys.... My goodness. I'm just sick of boys. Simple as that. I've always been cynical of guys. I think the only guy that I wasn't cynical about was my ex and welp, he just was... I don't even know. But now it's like, when I finally decided to stop focusing so much when I was gonnna find the true love of my life, now there are so many freaking options. But I don't even wanna think about it anymore because I'm really so wrapped up in God. I don't know. I read a status on Facebook today that said that not all opportunities come from God. They may look good, but you must always follow the will and guidance of God. And that's scary because now I don't even know if I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me....... *Sighs* Boys just are too much for me. I don't want to have to worry about anyone else right now and that is a genuine statement. And also a pretty crazy one because a couple of months ago, I was just so ready for whoever God would send to me...... God, give me peace and lead me in the right direction. I don't want to be with anyone or do anything that you won't approve of. I love YOU above everything else. You're the love of my life and not just until I find someone else to be the object of my affection. It's all you, God. All day.
Churches and crap. So I've been goin to Simple Truth, the campus ministry at KU, right? And I knew (since last year when I found this out from my ex) that they believed that in order to receive salvation, you must be baptized. And this completely went against what I believed a year ago and it still does go against what I believe. However, all the Bible verses that they showed me kind of said that explicitly. So I'm at a loss. I don't know what to believe. I don't know what to think. I'm just freakin confused is what I am. So there's that. But, my church in Lawrence, Antioch Community Church, is lead by the Holy Spirit, and you can see that in the fruits that they produce. You can see it in the way that they are lead by God to do tremendous things. And on that note, I've realized how extremely scary the will of God is. Like, God so requires EVERYTHING in us and that's just the scariest thing ever to me. I feel like God's just gonna show me things that I'm holding onto and be like "uhn uh. Gotta let that go." And then he's gonna be like "okay, I want you to go here and do this." And do you realize that when God calls you to do something YOU KINDA HAVE TO DO IT?!? It's the scariest thing I've ever had to face and I haven't really faced much yet. Just the thought alone is scary. God, take over. I'm giving you all my fears right here, right now. I know that you are gonna get the glory out of everything, whether or not I'm on board. But God, I really do wanna live recklessly for you! I want to do your will and spread your love and proclaim your name everywhere that I go and to everyone I encounter. Help me, God, to be obedient when you call me. Help me to follow you and walk by faith..... Thank you.
Life..... Dude, I'm just like a really emotional person. Last night, I couldn't sleep and so I went through all my text messages with my ex and looked through his Facebook and his Twitter and I'm just like dang..... Like it was so perfect. And to admit that I still believe that sometimes is quite painful. It's so hard to really let go of it all.... STILL. Like It's been over a year and we were so close for so much longer than that. I just feel so empty sometimes because I put SO MUCH into that relationship. It just seems like it was all in vain. And it hurts and it upsets me that I even went through it all...... God, here's my freakin pain. The stuff that I know I can't deal with on my own. Alone I'm just weak. I'm so weak and I really need you right now. I'm trying to make decisions on what to do with my life and where to go, who to spend time with.... God, I need you to be the only person I'm trying to please and I need your glory to be my only goal....... Fill me up with your love so that I don't have to seek it anywhere else. Keep preparing me for the man you have for me.... I have no idea who he is or what you're doing with him, but prepare him too. So that when it is time for me to submit to him, he'll be submitting to you. Ughhhhhh....
Investments. God, I love my roommates. They're wonderful. I love the women of Simple Truth. I love the people at Antioch and I love the people at IGV. The thing is.... I can't completely invest in all those people. It's not happening because in order to really invest, I'd have to spend a lot of time with those people and there's only so much time in a freaking day! I'm just not tryna have half-hearted relationships with people in my life, God. I need to be poured into and to pour into others alike. I need to really just get with some people that I really connect with and share my life with them..... Right, God????? Or nah? Just help me.
And money really ain't even an issue. Thank you, God.