Growing Up! :)

So... Is there a certain map that every teenager is given when growing up?? Cuz if so, I did NOT get the email! ;)


But what's good is that I think I'm starting to get a little clarity on who I am again! I know I've always been a very deep thinker, and when I was younger, I always wondered which girly cliche I would portray. Then recently, I just had a huge brain fart and lost all confidence I had in my old self. So I talked to a few people and I guess it's all a part of growing up.
I now realize that my personality doesn't really fit any girly cliche. I'm just Andrea, the girl who knows everyone but isn't considered to be popular. I'm the girl with tons of close guy friends and very distant gal pals. I'm the girl who tries every sport, but is really only good at one (volleyball!!). I, also, am very mature for my age. I have always attracted and have been attracted to older guys. I'm dating a guy who's my age right now and he's awesome! But I just don't think we're on the same maturity level or even on the same page! :P But I guess I'm only fourteen... And I guess I'm just gonna have to deal with it..
But as soon as I turn sixteen (which is the age of consent!!!!), I'm gonna be the happiest girl alive! :)
Lol.. Well I guess I just don't know what God has planned for me, I'm still learning.
But in the meantime.... Pray for me please :)

Defining Me

So I've been questioning a lot of things about myself lately. Actually I've been questioning things about everyone else, too! It turns out that I have no idea who I am or how I fit into this world. I'm still wondering a lot of things about God too, like if he even hears me. It's like I know that he does, but I just wish I could talk to him directly and get a direct answer. I don't understand a lot, not only about him and everyone else in the world, but about me, too. "No one defines you except yourself"?? Well I don't even know where to begin. I'm just so lost. . . 

So is this just a part of being a teenager?? Cause if so, I don't ever wanna be one! Ever! :P

. . . But I guess I'm just a tad bit late ;)

Right Time to Say Goodbye. . .

They say there's never a right time to say goodbye. Well, Chris Brown says that, at least. But there's gotta be a right time! Especially when you probably never should have said "hello" to the person in the first place. Even though my relationship with Ahmad isn't all it could be or all it has been, it's not right to go and start something new with someone else. So pray for me, please! Because for me, there really never is a right time to say goodbye. :P

Dressed In Black

Someone was mad, they wanted to get back

Now we stand silent, We're all dressed in black.

Nobody knows who and no one cares why.

We don't know what to do. And so no one cries.

No apologies accepted, at least not anymore.

We solve problems with guns; it's nothing like before

when parents made us go to our "enemy"s home

Say "I'm sorry" and we're friends again; all the issues were gone.

But now people die, instead of our problems.

They get shot and their families are left with the problem.

Whoever killed Jessey sure didn't think twice

about him or his family, or that they were taking his life.

No one could ever put his whole life into words

And now they never will, because he'll live "with the birds".

Feel Me

Feel me...

Don't just listen with your ears and understand what I'm saying. 

Come put your body close to mine and feel what's deep inside.

Love me.

Don't just watch me and want every inch of my skin and flesh, but come wrap your arms around me and show me that you...

Love me..

Don't just tell me meaningless words. It's you that I want, so caress me and hold me and show me how much you missed me.

Let me know that it's only me that you need to be with.

Maybe if you show me all of your emotions then we can be one and feel one

another.

Because I feel you... Oh and words cannot describe how much I love you... And so badly how much I need you and need you to caress you and hold you and there's not other way to show you.... 

Than for me to 

feel you...

So you can feel me too.

Cry a River, Build a Bridge... :)

I just couldn't seem to find a way to forgive you for all the pain

But my therapist says I must, or I just might go insane.

So I'll sign this pledge, but only for a day will you not hear my mouth

But tomorrow I'll be back to remind you of the pain, scream, yell, and pout ;)

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Bipolar Ish

So I'm almost positive that I'm bipolar..

If I'm not bipolar then I definitely have some kinda issues!

International Playa's Anthem

It's funny and strange how much I've changed for you

My whole personality seems deranged because of you

I never did care about any boy because I just did my own thing

So who are you to come in and change the swing of things?

You must not know who Andrea really is- tough, but vulnerable and sweet

I'm not the girl that you're dating now. I have guys kissing at my feet.

It's not that I'm being cocky or conceited but you just aren't worth my love

For I am a virtuous young woman; Rubies and diamonds, my price is far above.

Lo Siento Baby :(

Man... I can't believe I like you enough to actually type this out.. I want us to work.. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad.. I like you a lot.. Like really a lot. And I don't want us to end because we could never hnag out.. I don't want us to end at all... EVER.. I really like you.. I don't wanna think about not being with u... I like u a lot....
And I'm sorry my plans always get in the way of our relationship.. I'm sorry.. :(

Changes

So I guess I need to make some changes with my life. I thought I was living it to my best ability but, of course, there's always room for improvement. With that being said, I've always heard that no one is perfect. But I've also heard that it's OK to strive toward perfection. If God made us in HIS image and HE is perfect, then we definitely need to be tryin to be perfect, too, right?
My sister just told me the other day that the hardest job in the world is being a CHRISTIAN.. Dang ain't that the truth? . . . My mom just told me today that I basically need to grow up. She didn't say it in those words, but that's what she meant.
It sucks, though. Because I've always believed that I was way more mature than all the kids my age, which, in some aspects, is true. But I need to mature more.
So I guess I need to be more reserved and ladylike. I guess I need to not be so talkative and watch what I say and do.
Because there's a time and place for everything. I just need to get all that in order.

Lettin Out Some Feelings

I haven't been on facebook for about a week.
... Before coming on here I was gonna sign on.. But I thought long and hard as I was on the login page... And I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.. The same feeling I get when I know I'm about to do something wrong... Why would I move forward and do what I know God doesn't want me to do?
I think I should've deleted my facebook account altogether after the incident with you-know-who. . .
Because everytime I logged on to facebook, I went to person's page. And I looked at person's (BILLIONS OF) statuses. And. . . I just wanted to know if any were about me.. And if anyone else was there.. In person's life.. I don't know.. I talked to my brother Nahshon about it all.. And he took safari off of my iPod.. I pretty much stayed away from the computer at home.. And I stayed off of facebook. Off of person's page... Away from person... And it hurts.. Because when I don't see person I just feel weird...  But when I do see person... I feel even more weird.. Like last time I saw person in the hall, it was like just the two of us and I literally said "Oh crap". . . I don't know if person heard me or what but that's what I said.. It was just weird.. Because that was the day I made up in my mind that I was absolutely completely done.. I have to be done. This isn't what God wants for me... And what's good is there's a boy in my science class that I like. We keep in touch sort of.. He's hilarous.. Keeps me rollin.. And we flirt :) I admit..
He seems pretty sweet, too. :) I like him.. :)
I don't know I mean.. I guess.. Haha.. :) Yeah I'm smilin right now, too..
And that makes me think about person again.. For reasons that I do not wanna mention.. But the good thing is that I've had a lotta support from people who don't even know all that's goin on right now... Just know that I need prayer.. And that's such a blessing.. I didn't have to tell Mr. Allen anything at all and he's been prayin for me. Thank God for real bro! Like really..
Thank him so much!
Ugh... I know I'll make it through.. And start ministering once I get this sorted out.. Once you-know-who leaves and goes off to college and I hopefully won't be at Sumner next year.. Hopefully I'll be somewhere outta this state.. Hopefully I won't have anything to remind me of you-know-who and hopefully I won't ever have to feel the pain of those memories ever again.. Hopefully... Prayerfully...
But thank God, in the meantime..
Praise him. :)

Done.

I think I'm gonna have to let  this one go
There's this feeling that's been there.. I KNEW but now know
Cause what you aren't gonna do is play with my feelings
Leave me broken hearted and not care for my healing
So I guess a "wake up call" was all I needed
Cause I'm done with you boo. And I'm not even heated..
Done.

My Daddy

I love my stepdad. He is thee greatest father I have ever had.. Besides God of course.. I just wanted to post something in dedication to him because he is such a great Christian man.. Always out to please someone else.. And to be a helping hand to someone else.. And always puts his feelings after everyone else's. I love this man.. I want my husband to be just like my daddy.. Both daddies.. Andrew Cage.. And God.. I love them both.. And my stepdad reminds me of God sometimes.. I love him.. I love them both and thank God for HIMSELF and for my stepdad.

From Pain to Poems

Who on earth do you think you are? Because no one on earth can judge me

Not you or anyone else.

To tell me who or what you think I am.. You have no idea what I've been through

You don't know with what I've dealt.

You can't tell me that I try too hard. You don't know what's runnin through my mind.

You don't even know how sensitive I am.

You don't know that I cried because of what you said. Not for long but I did.

And you probably don't give a damn.

What were you thinking when you said that to me? Did you think that it would hurt me any?

Do you even care at all?

There's so much I wanna say to you. So much I would love to do.

But I can't.. Cuz that's God's call..

It's not my battle I guess.. But what were you trying to accomplish by saying what you did?

Was it your main purpose to hurt me?

If so, mission accomplished, bud! You hurt me bad.. Maybe not for long..

But I sure hope your happy..

Maybe I'll try not to act like a "white girl in a black girl's body" when I'm around you.

Maybe I won't "try so hard".

Maybe just for you I won't be me. Maybe that'll satisfy you.

Couldn't think of anything that rhymes with hard so I'll just end this poem.. At least I got my feelins out.. But yeah Cedric you're a butt head.. Hope you know that.

Just Some Stuff :)

I think I'm finally gonna get the closure I need

But is this really closure? Or this just greed?

Getting something I don't need or ending something wrong?

Haven't I heard about this in a song?

My mind's tellin me no, but my body's tellin me yes.

My mind is saying go, my body is to be second guessed.

I'm still unsure of a lot of different things

And I'm not at all sure about what tomorrow brings

But I do know that I can't seem to keep my mind off of you.

No matter how hard they try, my head- they can't get it through

I know I know.. Just not sure enough..

With weapons like these, it's gonna get rough.

Understand that I will end up winning after this

I guess a couple of times I just need to be dismissed..

I guess I just wanted to try out this new pic

But it was really in my heart to type out all of this.

The reason why I chose this picture is really simple

I just want to smile. I do so when I see YOUR dimples.

So whenever I come on and type about all my pain

I will see your face and smile. And hopefully be once again sane.

No reason for this post really.. Just typing out some thoughts

So don't think it's about anything. Just writin. Love ya lots! :)

Smile:)

I hope this will cover up the pain

Everything I'm feeling.. I've given up on this game.

I've thrown in the towel and admitted my shame

But what's left to do when you're who's to blame.

It sucks.. Living life like you're all happy

Cause u don't wanna admit that your life is raw and sappy

That it's more complicated than it really seems

But my whole life's just been ripped at the seams.

So what to do? Just hope this covers it up

Just sit here and smile. Don't say a word... Just shut up

Hold your head up high and pray to THEE most high

That u can hold on to this smile as another day goes by..

Well I hope this will cover up all of my pain

Cause inside my head, I feel I'm insane.

So I hope I can cover my pain with this smile.

And I pray that this smile will be worth your while.

Cause I don't want my pain to rub off on u

Just see my smile and pray that I will make it through

Check This Out

*deep sigh*... Long and deep...

So I know what's right.. And I know what's wrong.. Ok. I get it.. I get that when you're done you're done.. I get it.. And I do not want you to be done with me.. I don't..

I'm gonna try not to use the word "but" in this at all (Nahshon) :).

I wish you could understand where I'm coming from so that I could tell you all this.. I guess I'm just not ready for that.. I don't know why.. Just like you said she's gonna end up doing what she wants.. Well I guess same with me.. And I guess I just need to figure this one out on my own.. Maybe this is just a phase.. Maybe... I mean I don't know.. But... Pray for me.. And I mean I guess try to help me.. But not to the point where I feel like I'm being judged.. And if I'm not then I guess that's just my guilt huh?

I mean I've been doing just what I wanted to do for not a while but recently.. And I know that I probably shouldn't... But please just let me learn this on my own..

I just feel so weird whenever we're around each other now because it's like it's always in the back of my mind.. I don't know... Just... Let's pray.. Together.. Please.. Let's pray together.. Because I want us to stay together... Forever... You're my sister.. We need to stay together.. I love u.. Please just let me learn on my own.. I won't know unless I try.. And I'm trying.. I know that when I play with fire I will get burned.. Just pray for me please.. Please..

And I'm sorry for not telling you all that's going on.. I just don't think you would understand.. I really want to tell you because I don't really have anyone to tell.. I've told Enrique... But he's just not a good listener.. :P

But let me know what you're thinking...

Love you.

Don't Regret (Demi Lovato Redo)

Did u regret that you told me your secrets

Did u regret all the inside jokes we get

Did u regret? Did u regret all that stuff?

Did u forget that I never have judged you

Did u forget that I always will love u

Now I'm left to regret that I told u

So somewhere I went wrong

I thought we would go on

Keeping secrets

So now I guess this is where we have to stand

Did u regret ever telling me then?

Never again don't make me regret.. Don't regret

We told it all

We were just about to grow even closer than we were before

I won't forget. I won't forget about this.

So somewhere I went wrong

I thought we would go on

Our bond just was so strong

Guess u forget it

So somewhere I went wrong..

I thought we would go on

Our bond was just so strong

Guess you've forgotten

(End note.. Please believe that I didn't plan all this out.. It just happened.. When u get mad at me and get impatient and judge me it doesn't help AT ALL.. It hurts because I thought I could talk to u about everything.. )

Dirty Guilt

Please don't award and applaud me for doing chores and work around the house without being asked.. I'm only keeping myself busy before I busy myself with business that I don't belong in. I am guilty. I feel guilty. I feel dirty and I don't want to be applauded for doing anything right when I know that I have still done some wrong... I am still working on things... Still getting things together.. Like no one's perfect but people can still strive towards perfection and every time I slip it feels like I've just given up.. Well I don't know what to do anymore.. I say I'm done.. But I'm not.. I know I'm not because thoughts and images keep appearing in my head.. It's like I can't stop them.. I guess I just need help.. But during this process, I don't feel like I deserve any applause. I don't deserve any rewards.. Just simply give me a nod and a pat on the back and tell me to keep moving.. I feel too dirty and guilty to deserve more than that.