College Boy ♥

So, I know I've been posting a lot lately about some issues that I've been having with my significant other... But basically, we talked it all out, I got everything off of my mind and we're good now.
... So he's a college guy now! He's taking summer classes in a program at Baker University and I'm just like super happy for him! I just think it's the cutest thing ever that he's growing up and doing grown up things!
.... So what was the purpose of this post? To brag about my college-attending boyfriend? Totally.
So suck it all in. My boyfriend is a college student. <3 p="">

What Hurts Me

What hurts me is the fact that I'd jump at any opportunity to spend time with you, but you wouldn't do the same for me.
What hurts me is I'd spend ANY amount of money on you (within my means) just to make you happy and you wouldn't do the same.
What hurts me is I drop everything I'm doing just to talk to you, for a few minutes even, but I don't think you'd do the same...
And I'm pretty sure you did all that for her... Which is what hurts me the most.

Sloppy Seconds

She had your best. She had you when you were new to all this and fresh
When you were in love for the first time.
You spent "A LOT of money" on her......
And what do I have?
Whatever's left I guess.
I always knew that I was missing something
That you didn't give me nearly as much as you could
And now I understand that maybe you would
if I didn't have her leftovers
What do you give me? The time that's remaining
The affection that's left hanging after your long day of giving.
And I take it like a fool, thinking "well, this must be the best he can do"....
But really I just have what she left.
And honestly. It's not good enough for me.

_____

Ok, I'm stressed damnit!
My mom has basically missed my entire junior year because she's working in Alabama. What the heck is that? Now my sister is pregnant and still living with us. And my Aunt Lola is too now and she has alzheimer's so it's like I'm watching a child already. I'm tired. And I'm sick. And I'm tired. And I hate that my mom keeps doing this back and forth thing between home and Alabama. I can't take it anymore.
I'm stressed the freak out.
And I'm sick and I'm tired.
And I have a lot on my plate right now.
And I'm sick and I'm tired.
And Stressed

What's to Come

Sometimes I think about my future and I get excited about all the great things that are ahead of me. I think about going off to college and living on my own, without my parents holding my hand. I think about possibly playing volleyball in college and enjoying new friends and challenging classes. But most of all, I think about my future and feel nervousness because I don't know what's coming or what to expect.
Next school year I'll be a senior. My boyfriend (of about a year and a half by then) will be in college at KU, having new life experiences and meeting new people. And I'll be planning my future out. The one thing that really scares me that I could possibly lose a guy that I care a lot about. I'm not sure where my future college will be, but I'm quite certain that it's not at Lawrence. I'm also not sure if I'll be playing volleyball in college or not, but if I do, that'll be very time-consuming. I just don't see a lot of time in my future for a boyfriend and I don't see a lot of time in the future of my significant other for a girlfriend. It's all so blurry right now and I have no idea what's to come in next few years....
I just know that I have a lot of love for my guy and we both have a lot of love for God. So, if it's God's purpose for us to continue loving each other, I'm sure it'll happen... But it can be hard to trust sometimes, so prayers are appreciated!

Plans to Prosper

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Today I decided that I will not continue my senior year in the IB Program at my school.. And this is a pretty huge decision to make, so I keep wondering if this is what's right for me. The only reason I'd really want to stay in the program is because I don't want anyone to think less of me and I'd like to have a study hall. But even more so, I'd really like to enjoy my senior year and I feel like whatever choice I make, God will have his hand on my life like he always has. I'm gonna pray some more before I finalize this decision and prayers from you guys would be much appreciated as well!

Epic Fail

This lust fast has honestly been an epic fail.. I feel like I did this on my own and sort of just tried to lead myself into the Word and it didn't really do much.. Maybe some help from a friend would be beneficial? ..... Happy Easter, by the way!

Rough Day

Today's been rough, you guys.. I'm gonna be honest- I didn't focus on any verse today.. I'm just really.... Ambivalent.. I'm not sure how to feel about a lotta stuff.. Prayers...

Zechariah 7: 9-10

"Thus has the Lord of hosts said, 'Dispense true justice and practice kindness and compassion each to his brother; and do not oppress the widow or the orphan, the stranger or the poor; and do not devise evil in your hearts against one another.'"
My focus for the day: "do not devise evil in your hearts against one another"... "practice kindness and compassion each to his brother"... I usually don't have a problem with practicing kindness, it's just that I'm choosy with whom I practice this.. And I'm not gonna lie- I struggle with not devising evil in my heart against people. So, I'm praying this prayer today:
Lord Heavenly Father, I come to you thanking you for the opportunity to seek you today and for your Word, which empowers me to live my life for you. I pray right now that you keep my mind focused on this verse today, and that you show me how to practice kindness and compassion. I pray that you help me to no devise evil in my hearts against anyone and to be fair, in this way, to everyone. In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not into your own understanding....
This was my focus for the day. I'm not so good at keeping specific scriptures in mind throughout the entire day.. But this is only day 2 of 40..
Stay tuned and stay prayed up!

For the Love of Christ

For the love of Christ I am beginning a forty-day fast. What kind of fast, you ask? A lust fast and I expect it to be one with some difficulty. I prayed last Tuesday at Bible study for all of the flaws that I have that have been troubling my peers and I lately and one major one that has been persistent since I was a child was my struggle with lust. I know that everyone has that one temptation that trips them up throughout their entire life, but I feel that lust is something that everyone encounters at some point. For me, lust has been the trickiest of all my temptations, so I'm taking a break!
During this break I plan to set aside some time to spend intimately talk with God. As I journey through this fast, I'm gonna try to keep my blog updated with whatever God decides to tell me.. :)
So be on the lookout, guys!

Water Under the Bridge

My beau and I talked the other day and our separation is finally over!

I do have different feelings towards him now though and I'm not sure if that's for better or worse.. I just know that I didn't like the idea of us having space and that I'm gonna be sure to give him plenty of that in the future. I just don't want him to be annoyed with me. So, yeah.

It's all water under the bridge with us now..

We're lovin all over each other again! :)

S P A C E

He's asking for space and I feel like he's asking for a breakup.

Even though I know that's not the case, my entire life has seemed to hiccup.

It makes me think about my previous relationships.. The longest one lasted three months and there was plenty of space between that guy and I. We were young and immobile, so space was a given.. But now that I'm older and can basically go anywhere I want whenever I want, I want to do just that. But my guy likes to stay in and have alone time, whereas I'm more of a get-out-and-go-hang-with-friends kind of girl.. So my heart's beating really fast when I think about how much time I'd love to spend with him while we're on Spring Break but all he wants to do is stay in and watch TV...

It shouldn't hurt my feelings, but it does because I feel like I want to be with him more than he wants to be with me. And I'm sure that's not true, but my mind always goes there.. I just need to give him his space and pray that my feelings of rejection can be erased.. And wonder why, oh why do I have to feel so much pain???

Nine Months Strong

What a wonderful nine months this has been! To be able to spend them with a caring, compassionate, and respectful guy is more than I could ask for... And who would've thought that I'd be in a lasting relationship?! Not I.. But we'll see if our relationship is really lasting once he goes off to college. It'll take nothing but effort, trust, and the grace of God to make this thing work.. And I'm kind of anxious to see just what will happen. :)

Procrastination Might Be Key...

This is EXACTLY how it works for me.. And sometimes, this is just good enough to work!

Now, I'm not really one for procrastination and who am I to say that I believe it's okay to do? I'm no one.. :P However, lately with my TOK Connections, procrastination has seemed to work out decently..

I wait till maybe the week that they're due (about two or three days before they're due) and I work my butt off under all that pressure.. And that has seemed to get me higher than a B on my connections.. Higher than a C, most importantly, but at least a B+ on the last two connections...

So what could this mean exactly???

Could it mean that procrastination might just be crazy enough to work sometimes?? I think so. But pick and choose your battles wisely, folks! For instance, if you have a 900- to 1200-word essay for TOK that you've known about for seemingly a month, don't wait till the week that it's due to begin thinking about it and working on it... 

Because that only causes stress.. And I would know.

Because that's just what I did... :)

In Love... All Over Again

I know, I know.. I've posted about being in love like five hundred times now, right?? Well I'm doing it again and I won't guarantee that it'll be the last time! Sorry!! :)

So, my boyfriend and I were emailing each other last night and I was feeling all googly over him (I get that feeling every now and then... Kind of often if I'm not upset with him) and I started texting him the lyrics to "Infatuated" by Prima J. (Great song, right?!) Anyway.. He questioned what I was saying to him and I told him that they were just lyrics to reassure him.. And we began to discuss further how he knows that he's in love with me and that it's not just infatuation...

But guys, how do you know when it's infatuation while you're infatuated?? Maybe once it's happened so many times a person becomes familiar with that feeling.. I know now when I'm infatuated. And this... Is definitely different...

Hmm. So for seven months I've been questioning my feelings for this guy and I think it just started to make sense... I'm pretty sure we could probably assume that I'm "in love"...

So why can't I just accept that then???

Lovely Bunch of Coconuts

Yes, I sure do have a lovely bunch... And when I say lovely bunch, I am indeed referring to my awesome boyfriend! ♥
I know you guys are gonna get sick of me blogging about how much I love that guy, but maybe it'll stop soon... He says that one day we'll get tired of each other, but I don't wanna see that happening.. I don't want that to happen.. Because I freak out about the little disputes we have.. And those aren't even disputes.. Those are just my freak-outs about nothing.. So when the big stuff happens and when he's tired of me and I of him... How the heck am I gonna handle that??
It's a scary thought, no?
....

♥

Yes.. I love you a whole whole bunch!

... But. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing this to you.. But if I don't do this, then we won't have that.. I'm sure of it. Because I've been giving you some breathing space lately.. And consequently, I miss the heck outta you!!

Fresh

Can I have something that's brand new? Something that's nice and fresh..

So that when I try it out, we can both say we're impressed.
It's never had me and I never it. And because of this coincidence, we're both taking a risk
Cuz neither of us knows what we're doing.. We're just venturing out here.
Both of us are in perfect condition, no scratches or stains. So when the two smooth surfaces rub together, no friction is created.
We just slip and slide right across each others surfaces and everything goes on smoothly....
....
But wait.. Without that friction, the two of us will slide right across and completely miss each other.
If you've got some scratches, they'll grab on to mine, too.. And those grooves where our scratches come together will keep us there.. Right??
Well, I've got small bumps, very very small bumps.. But a lot of concern for your blemishes..
You've been through three point five years with another smooth surface. And before that, one point some-odd years of another smooth surface.. And before that, another year and some change with another smooth surface..
So I take it you know the ropes around here.
But I don't. I've only been rubbed by one other and that other left me with just a few tiny bumps and not a lot of experience..
So... If you've got a track record of rubbing and running, how do I know that I won't be left with some scratches resembling the ones you have?
I think my few bumps are quite enough...
I just wanna know.. If you were able to rub those other surfaces for so long, how do I know that my surface will not end up the same as theirs?
So when it comes to rubbing up against another surface... May I have one that's just like mine..
A fresh one please?

Things Are Lookin Up

With my birthday quickly approaching and club volleyball season beginning, things are looking pretty good right about now.

My grades are decent, I love my boyfriend, and my friends are awesome!

:)

I hope this happiness lasts for a while..