A Letter To God

God,
I'm trying so hard right now to meek and to choose my battles wisely. But I'm also reflecting on a very important relationship to me and it seems so one-sided. I feel as though I give so much love, encouragement, and just myself to him and he's giving me nothing back. How am I supposed to deal with that?
But then I remember how you've always given me your all, even when I didn't know that you were. And how when I did things to hurt you, you never shunned me for it. You didn't cast me to hell, although maybe you should have..... Help me to remember your kind of love today, so that I'm not going crazy over maltreatment.... Help me to realize that I'm no better and all the things that are being done to me, I've done to you and you still forgave me.
Plus, I owe you my life.
I love you, Lord. Help me to love your people too.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen...

A Letter to That Ex

Dear Freaking You,

You make me so sick and here's why: you're so thoughtless and careless sometimes that you just say things without considering the effect that your words have on people. For instance, you promised that we would hang out for spring break and then forgot to mention that you weren't even planning on coming home. Had you gone and left me hanging I would've been devastated! But you don't even realize that. And so I'm trying not to make a big deal about it and blow up at you for it but that's so hard to do because I have a lot of feelings. So here I am trying to be meek and choose my battles wisely, but that's tough because now my feelings are hurt. You neglect to text me to check in on me and maybe I shouldn't expect that; but I figure since we both supposedly care a lot about each other that you'd do that. But you don't and that hurts.

YOU SUCK AT BEING A FRIEND.

When I come to you with my problems seeking advice or just encouragement you give me nothing! And I always give you encouragement when you're down in the dumps. I talk you through the night when you're losing your mind even though I'm DOG TIRED from a long week, but you don't do the same for me. You're a terrible friend and I wish you would realize that and grow up. Maybe then you'd stop hurting my feelings so much.

Crap

I feel as though this is becoming a bit ridiculous. Why am I not over you yet?
Why do I still long to speak to you everyday?
Why do you cross my mind constantly throughout the day?
Why can't I stop comparing other guys to you?
Why haven't I gotten over you?
.......Maybe I need to be busier so that I can stop thinking so much about you and how much I miss you.
And the only song that's stuck in my head right now is "Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick....
For those who don't know, she's talking about a breakup.
Maybe. Maybe I just need another boy to focus on. In the past, after every breakup I'd just find someone new to focus on. I told myself that that someone new would be Christ this time.
But ya know, I'm human. And it's so hard to believe that God can take care of even my physical desires sometimes. I know he can, but I just have a hard time believing it.
I just feel so broken and alone and sad and shameful.
And remorseful and dreary and just about every other emotion that can be felt.
:-\
I would love it if you all prayed for me.

Appreciation

I appreciate the past that we shared and the appreciation that you showed me.
So much
And I miss it desperately.. Cause we all know that no one loves like you do

Here It Goes

 

The love of my young life
My very best friend
My soul mate
My unconditional source of love and romance
I'm letting go of him. Starting my life anew. Turning over a new leaf and never flipping it back!
*Sighs of frustration and weariness and exhaustion*
This has been the worst and hardest experience of my young life. Still, I have no other choice. I must move along.

Seeking True Companionship? I'm Your Girl

Because I'm seeking the exact same thing. Ever since my most recent ex and I broke up, I feel pretty alone and empty, and I'm seeking the love of a friend. I'm not even talking about another male that could passionately love me the way he did.. But really just a good buddy who will be with me and just sit in my presence would be awesome. I'd love to just have someone with whom I can hold an intimate relationship and I could just spill my heart to that person. Male or female. Just a friend that will be here when I'm sad and alone. And will come to my house and be sad with me. Just lay with me and hold me. Or hug me and tell me it's okay.

Maybe I'm missing those people. Maybe I'm overlooking them when they've been here all along...

Major Issues

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... This breakup has taken a huge toll on my life and has made me crazier than I ever could have been before..... If that's even possible!

Sweet Depression

The only friend I have, the only one who's here for me.
I can talk to you, because you're  the only one who will listen
The only one who knows my pain.. You understand what I'm going through
And instead of trying to cheer me up and make my day, you wallow in it with me...
My sweet depression
A close friend you are, but a friend who hurts me most
You bring me pain and remind me of all of my failures
But at least you're there for me still, that's why you're so sweet.
You bite and sting, then hug and hold.
Though your embrace isn't very comforting at all, it's all I've got
My only friend
My sweet, my precious, my loyal depression.
And at the end of the day, you remind me that you're there
So I return empty-handed and empty-hearted
I gravitate towards you and let you drink me dry like you always do.
Because you're all I've got anymore.
My sweet depression, tried and true

New Surprises

Blogger.... Boy, has a lot happened since we last spoke..
First thing's first: the love of my life and I are no longer together. As of October 14, 2014 (exactly one month before my 18th birthday), we are no longer an item. And it's a long, sad, but glorious story. My lover went off to college and came to the realization that God was no longer the center of our relationship and he knew that in order for each of us to seek Christ, we needed to separate. So he broke things off with me though he really didn't want to. The breakup has been in effect for a full month now and we've had and still have our ups and downs.... It's such a tricky and complicated situation, but I believe in my heart that God has a plan for both of us.
Secondly, today is my 18th birthday! Man... Time really does fly! I remember sitting in my science class at Arrowhead on the day before my 13th birthday and freaking out because turning 13 was such a huge deal! I mean it was the first year of actually being a teenager! Now I'm entering my first year of actually being legal... It's mesmerizing, really, just to think of how far I've come since then.. All I can say is that life is truly a blessing!
Third and final: this breakup with the love of my life has definitely brought forth some blessings. I've formed a new, wonderful friendship with a guy at my school. He's awesome and has been through a rough breakup before, so we've both sort of bled together. That may sound really depressing, but honestly, it's just good to have someone to talk to who understands your pain. Although my ex-lover understands my pain, I sometimes feel as though I can't come to him with all of my feelings because I don't want to affect him emotionally and throw off his walk with Christ. So, I'm super thankful for the people that God has placed in my life at the perfect time for me and them.
...... I'm 18 now...  I'm a big girl, but still as dramatic as I've always been.
It's been a nice journey, and I'm sure there's plenty more journeying to do!

Utter Disbelief

It surprises me more and more each day that I still love you.. Don't take it personally, of course. It's just that the old me wouldn't have made it this far.. You and I have been together for almost a year and a half. But if I were the same person I used to be, we wouldn't have even made it past three months.

But your love for me is something different. It's not like the love that I've had before.

This love is unconditional.

Sure we argue and disagree, but still you love me.

And that's what pushes me to keep loving you.

You're amazing and I can't believe it.

I lucked out and found the love of my life at the age of 15. Now we've known each other for two years and have loved each other for a year and a half.

This love could never fade away... I love you with all my heart

And I just can't believe it.

So, senior year was supposed to be easy. I was supposed to just glide right through everything and pass everything with flying colors and just feel awesome.
Well right now, that's not exactly happening. It's more like this: volleyball sucks, chemistry sucks, math sucks, English sucks, TOK sucks, and my sad, lonely, unsatisfied love life sucks. But I'm not really sure how to fix any of these problems.
I feel like quitting is just not an option for any of these problems. I can't quit chemistry because it's my higher level and I need it to be a diploma candidate. I can't quit English because I'm already in the class that I'm in, even though I don't feel like it's helping me at all. I can't quit TOK, because I need a good grade in there. I can't quit on my love life because well, I love my boyfriend.
So what the heck am I supposed to do? I have no time to mend these broken areas of my life. I just have to keep pushing forward and pray that I can somehow keep up with the others around me.
I just feel so.... Down, I guess. I could seriously use some prayer or something. Really any type of encouragement would be good right now.

Love of My Young Life

This love is indescribable
Because every time we meet, I can feel my heart beat
and I can feel my stomach plop and all of my vital signs just stop
You make me feel like I'm the only one that could ever deserve your love
You make me feel like only I can hold your heart.. Like only I know how.
I love you. Like I've never loved anyone else before. And I think you deserve it
I just want to give you my all, but I know that we must wait for that.
But still... I love you

Solitude

Wouldn't it be nice to think only of oneself?
To not have to worry about whether or not you're being missed?
To not have to care about whose feelings may be affected?
And to not have to guess at what's happening in someone else's mind?
Yes, it would be nice, wouldn't it?

SENIOR YEAR

I'm crying right now... Anyone care to know why? No? Okay, well here it is anyway:
My first day of senior year is TOMORROW! Can it get any scarier?? I think I could faint it's so scary!
And the thing is that it's not just MY senior year... It's not just the senior year of the hardworking students at Sumner Academy.. It's not even all about all of the teenagers in Wyandotte County that I grew up with and/or watched grow into adults.. But it's the start of a senior year for literally trillions of people. And when I think about what a huge deal that is for so many people, I tear up....
It's a beautiful concept. I just pray that this year is full of memories, excitement, emotions, and joy..
Prayers for all of the seniors this year... We're almost done, guy.. We've almost made it out
<3 p="">

The Big Step

There's no retracting once you've taken that step.
Once you've made that decision to become one, you can't turn back...
"But what if it's too soon?" you ask. "What if we didn't mean for this to happen right now?"
It did. There's no taking it back. There's no going back to the way things were before.
Because now there's a piece of you in them and a piece of them in you.. And you'll never get that back.
So I hope that once you've made that decision to take the big step, you're sure that it's with the right person and definitely at the right time.

I've Got It

Aha! I've found it!... or recalled it, rather.

That major flaw that just bugs the crap outta me about my boyfriend.

He's so freakin apathetic and I can't take it!

*Sighs of relief* He's not perfect. He's close. But that's it..

He's just far too apathetic for me... And I can't deal with it.

Appreciation

Just a little quote I found through Google's search engine. :) Hope you all are able to find happiness by appreciating what you've already got!

Best of the Best

Maybe he's not perfect, but he's totally perfect for me! (I know that's super cliche and all that.... But it's so true!)
My boyfriend has got to be the most respectful, loving, caring, and intelligent young man that I've met so far.. And man.. He makes other guys look incomparable! And really.. There's no need to compare.. Cuz I've got the best of the best! No lie.

The Ex

I've been thinking a lot about my immediate ex lately.. And kind of snooping through his Facebook page.. And pondering upon a few things.
One of them is this: is he still a virgin? .... I just want to know.. I think I wonder that about everyone, and I especially wonder that about him because well, I just do.
Another is this: .... I kind of wish we could still be friends. But I'm not so sure that that's what he wants. I reached out to him (sent him a message on facebook) and we had a short conversation.. I sent the last message and got no reply. So, I'm thinking that whatever I wanted to happen probably isn't going to happen.. And I don't really know what exactly I wanted to happen. I just know that now I would love for us to be friends and maybe even hang out. But definitely talk and be social with one another.
He was a fun guy before we dated... I'm sure he still is a fun guy.. I'd love to be his friend and chill with him.. But who knows if that'll happen?
Not me.

College Boy ♥

So, I know I've been posting a lot lately about some issues that I've been having with my significant other... But basically, we talked it all out, I got everything off of my mind and we're good now.
... So he's a college guy now! He's taking summer classes in a program at Baker University and I'm just like super happy for him! I just think it's the cutest thing ever that he's growing up and doing grown up things!
.... So what was the purpose of this post? To brag about my college-attending boyfriend? Totally.
So suck it all in. My boyfriend is a college student. <3 p="">