Hatred

Such a calloused heart I have towards you.. But only when it comes to you.
Who the heck am I anyway? For me to hate someone is kind of crazy... And I just can't exactly pinpoint why I would even want to hate you.......
I get so angry when I reflect on our previous relationship. I think about how loving I was and how supportive and caring and accepting of your flaws.... And then I think about how you were the exact opposite to me. You often disappointed me. There were plenty of times when I told you about that and probably made you feel really bad about it. I probably held you to a standard that was too high for you to reach; but too high to have been held? I don't think so...
I think maybe I expected you to reciprocate love in the same ways that I gave it.. And when you didn't I was openly and blatantly disappointed.
However, I was always extremely thoughtful when it came to you. I always made time in my schedule for you and I would make adjustments whenever that was necessary. I was sometimes selfish and bratty when things didn't go my way. I think I learned from you that that was not okay.
I always uplifted you when you were feeling down. I always provided a listening ear and words of love and encouragement... You, on the other hand, would listen and that was all.
I definitely expected a lot from you and sometimes made you feel like you were incompetent because you didn't meet my needs... I sought a relationship of dependency but it actually turned out working oppositely.... You depended on me for a lot of emotional support, which is crazy because I wasn't emotionally stable myself.
You sought me for sanity...... I was your comfort.
I was your rock.
And while I hated that I couldn't depend on you in the same ways, I loved being depended on......
And now you're becoming a better man. I should be happy about that, right? I should definitely be happy that a young man of God is growing closer to God and becoming a better man because of it; and any other man I would be happy for... But you..... You wronged me a great amount of times, left me disappointed probably more times than I can count, played with my emotions more than I have even played with them, and left me hanging more than all of those things combined.......
It may be natural for me to feel the way I'm feeling... But I'm certain that it's not Godly. I'm pretty positive that I should want the best for everyone around me and unfortunately you are still included in that number.
I just wish I could be far away from you, never have to see the face that hurt me so much again...... But God told me to go to KU, where you also attend college. God led me to Simple Truth, where I love the people but am reminded every time we convene of the face that damaged my heart.....
And all of a sudden the feelings of resentment, anger, hostility, hatred flood my happy little heart........
That's exactly what it is. I hate you.
Hate seeing you happy, hate when you're nice to me, hate when you text me as if we're friends and everything's cool.
I hate that you think that we can be friends after all the hurt you've brought to me.
I hate that I have to be loving towards you because that's the way God is to me although I've hurt him probably a thousand times more than you've hurt me........
There's an ocean of hate in my heart and it won't drain out......... Praying, reading the word, congregating with fellow lovers of Christ. Nothing. Works.
I still hate you at the end of every day.... And I simply can't stop