Ex-Nothing

For me to be identified as your ex-girlfriend kind of makes me want to gag.
I wish I could detach all connections that were ever there and just put an end to the perpetual past that we even have
I want to move on with my life
I never want to see you again
I want to live a life where no one freaking knows you
I want no connections. No ties. No baggage.
Why, God, did I have to go through THIS????????
Why can't I just be without blemish..... Why can't I just have a clean slate and clean start in life?
Why do I have to live with this pain and resentment and just disgusting, awful, grossness????


*Sighs*

Hatred

Such a calloused heart I have towards you.. But only when it comes to you.
Who the heck am I anyway? For me to hate someone is kind of crazy... And I just can't exactly pinpoint why I would even want to hate you.......
I get so angry when I reflect on our previous relationship. I think about how loving I was and how supportive and caring and accepting of your flaws.... And then I think about how you were the exact opposite to me. You often disappointed me. There were plenty of times when I told you about that and probably made you feel really bad about it. I probably held you to a standard that was too high for you to reach; but too high to have been held? I don't think so...
I think maybe I expected you to reciprocate love in the same ways that I gave it.. And when you didn't I was openly and blatantly disappointed.
However, I was always extremely thoughtful when it came to you. I always made time in my schedule for you and I would make adjustments whenever that was necessary. I was sometimes selfish and bratty when things didn't go my way. I think I learned from you that that was not okay.
I always uplifted you when you were feeling down. I always provided a listening ear and words of love and encouragement... You, on the other hand, would listen and that was all.
I definitely expected a lot from you and sometimes made you feel like you were incompetent because you didn't meet my needs... I sought a relationship of dependency but it actually turned out working oppositely.... You depended on me for a lot of emotional support, which is crazy because I wasn't emotionally stable myself.
You sought me for sanity...... I was your comfort.
I was your rock.
And while I hated that I couldn't depend on you in the same ways, I loved being depended on......
And now you're becoming a better man. I should be happy about that, right? I should definitely be happy that a young man of God is growing closer to God and becoming a better man because of it; and any other man I would be happy for... But you..... You wronged me a great amount of times, left me disappointed probably more times than I can count, played with my emotions more than I have even played with them, and left me hanging more than all of those things combined.......
It may be natural for me to feel the way I'm feeling... But I'm certain that it's not Godly. I'm pretty positive that I should want the best for everyone around me and unfortunately you are still included in that number.
I just wish I could be far away from you, never have to see the face that hurt me so much again...... But God told me to go to KU, where you also attend college. God led me to Simple Truth, where I love the people but am reminded every time we convene of the face that damaged my heart.....
And all of a sudden the feelings of resentment, anger, hostility, hatred flood my happy little heart........
That's exactly what it is. I hate you.
Hate seeing you happy, hate when you're nice to me, hate when you text me as if we're friends and everything's cool.
I hate that you think that we can be friends after all the hurt you've brought to me.
I hate that I have to be loving towards you because that's the way God is to me although I've hurt him probably a thousand times more than you've hurt me........
There's an ocean of hate in my heart and it won't drain out......... Praying, reading the word, congregating with fellow lovers of Christ. Nothing. Works.
I still hate you at the end of every day.... And I simply can't stop

Prayer From A Weary Soul

God, help me to choose wisely in what and whom I invest my emotions. I know from experience that if I place them in the wrong things and people, I will only end up hurt and heart-broken.....
God, give me wisdom and discernment when it comes to these kinds of things. I know that without you I am nothing... Apart from you I can do NOTHING. I am weak, Lord, but you are strong...
Help me to really seek you for strength and to make wise decisions regardless of whether or not it's what's popular or widely-accepted. Help me to put my faith and trust in you alone because you alone can save me and help me when I really need it....
God only you can fill the voids in my life. Only you are the answer to my loneliness and emptiness and pain......
Fill me up with your love, God.
I am seeking you, giving you everything inside me.... I know that that's the only way that I'll find you....... Here's my everything God..........
Help me, heal me, fix my brokenness.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

God, what on earth are you doing??
What IN ME are you doing? I feel so alone and empty and hungry and thirsty and displeased with my life. And it's so weird because I never expected to feel this way, especially not right now.
I'm so sorry for over-estimating myself. For trusting myself so much and for not keeping you as the apple of my eye.....
God, whatever you have planned for me, bring it on. Whatever you want to do inside of me, do it. It hurts and it's so uncomfortable and scary... But, God, I know that you know better....
I know you know better, so why don't I go whenever you say come follow wherever you lead? Won't you help me?

Never Change

Maybe this will take some time.. Maybe this is gonna take a lot of time and I won't even be there to see the results........
But from the looks of it, you haven't changed. You're still the same unintentional, unthoughtful, stupid boy. I don't want to hurt you anymore.
I just want to move on, never see you again, and find something and someone better to behold.

The One Who's Worth It

I guess I'm still somewhat hung up on the fact that I don't feel as though I was treated the way I should've been in my last relationship... I know I should definitely get over it, because the past is the past, right? Well, it just has me thinking about the guy that actually will deserve me....
If I loved my ex as much as I did, I can't imagine how much I'll love the guy that actually puts forth effort in our relationship...
I honestly just miss the feeling of being in love. I find myself sometimes longing for a relationship just so I can experience the phases again... The initial attraction, the building a genuine friendship, the nurturing, the puppy love, the infatuation, and then.... Falling in love.
It was one of the best feelings I've ever felt! I don't regret falling in love with my ex; it costed a lot of heartbreak--true! But in the end, experiencing the love and emotions involved was so glorious and magnificent......
I just can't wait for the real love of my life. The one who's gonna love me and express it and show it in ways that we both can understand! He'll be everything I need in a man. He'll be my friend, confidant, boyfriend, fiancé, husband..... Soul mate...


"Who doesn't long for someone to hold, who knows how to love you without being told? Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone...."
-Natasha Bedingfield

Applying Pressure

What I really need right now is to bleed.
Apply pressure to the wound and watch the blood ooze out....
Gosh this hurts so much. To see you move on and be happy and start anew and not even acknowledge the fact that IT WAS ME who stood by your side when you bled......
No, you never bled alone. I was always there to pick you up. Those late night conversations, those long days that you felt lonely and confused. I was there for you. But I'm left to bleed alone and why?
I'm unsure of that answer and it kills me so much.
Dude..... I literally gave you everything. That was my mistake, giving you my all. Especially knowing that you could never give back the amount that I gave to you.
Just a fool was I.... A sad fool...
*Sighs*
God, the pressure is on. I've forgiven but am still feeling this pain so much and it hurts a lot. I know that only you can fix what he broke in me. Only you can heal what he's hurt. I just pray that you give me peace in the process because I know this isn't gonna happen overnight. If it were then I'd be fine by now. Because it's been 10 months now and I'm still bleeding. I honestly don't even know what else to ask you for..... Just help. Please.



I love you, God. I'm just really having trouble letting go still.

What Up Doe?!

This is a pretty random post about some pretty random stuff.
I don't have anything in particular that I'd like to blog about, so I'm just gonna type what's on my mind real quick and get yall updated on my life.
I have a new friend! Jeanna's the name (pronounced like Jee-nuh) and she LOVES Christ! The thing that I love about people who really love Christ is that they are human and are transparent about their struggles. Jeanna is just that and I love her and I love that! She goes to my church and she's just awesome.
Also.. My old friend from Second Missionary, Demoy, has been coming to my church lately. He loves it! I'm just so glad that I've been able to share Christ with the people in my life that I love! It's really awesome.
Vernice has also been coming to church with me more frequently. She's dealing with a breakup and I think we ALL know how tough that can be!..... We do and so I'm really just trying to be a shoulder for all of my friends right now. I love to love and I especially love to love the hurt and broken.
I know that that's my spiritual gift! I love being a person that people can depend on and so I'm being just that!
I'm hanging out with my ex tomorrow morning. :-| Annnnnd to be completely honest with everyone, I don't think I've fully healed from our relationship. I think I'm still somewhat broken and I still have some anger towards him.... Soooooo is it healthy to hang out with him tomorrow? I don't know. I know for sure that I'm not in love with him anymore and it's interesting learning the ways that I deal with breakups..... I honestly feel sick to my stomach when I think about him sometimes.
Maybe it's a bad idea to hang out with him tomorrow....
I don't know. I'm just kind of bleh about everything.
Pray for me everyone. Thanks

Ladies..... KNOW YOUR WORTH

I'll admit-- I myself have fallen into the trap of lust and given my body to a man that was not my husband. And yes, premarital sex is premarital sex whether you're in a committed relationship with someone or not, BUT why on earth would you have sex with a guy that you barely know and are not even dating?
Why on earth would you have sex with a guy that you've only been dating for a few months and do not know intimately?
We all make mistakes, so learn from your first. Don't give up your body and definitely don't give up your heart to someone who is undeserving, ladies. It'll take you through hell, damage you for life, and leave you feeling worse about yourself than you started off.
*Sighs*... I just wish the beautiful young ladies in my life knew that they and their bodies are worth more than premarital sex. They are worth more than these guys that don't wish to invest much time or love into a relationship with them. Ladies, your bodies are God's temples. They were made for more than empty encounters with guys that could care less about you. Please, please, PLEASE..... Know. Your. Worth.
You're beautiful and made in God's image. He has so much more for you than that......

Blehhhhh

I just saw an old friend at the gym... Well, old friend wouldn't really be how I'd put it. This friend was very much like a brother to me, but is not anymore. It's not like I didn't try to maintain that friendship. I did. Last summer before he went off to college, I made a few attempts to spend time with him. They all fell through. And when he got back from college this summer we spent a day together and he promised that this summer would be different in terms of the amount of time we'd spend together.... Unfortunately, every time I've reached out to him I've gotten blown off. So, seeing this old friend of mine caused me to feel a lot of pain...  A lot of pain that I didn't really know was there.
You see, he isn't the only "good friend" that I've lost due to their lack of effort... There's a girl friend of mine with whom I was really close when we were in high school together. But she seemed to have blown me off quite a bit too.... I don't understand why and that's what bugs me so much! I've looked through old messages and reminisced on old times and my friendships with both of those people were great! We shared a lot of emotions and love and it seemed like we'd be friends forever! So, it just really hurts me to know that all that is over.. Not by MY choosing. I tried. Multiple times. And the door was basically shut in my face. So now I'm left with bitterness and anger towards those old friends and I know that shouldn't be....
God... I'm not sure how to handle this situation with the friends that I've lost... I feel as though I've done my part by reaching out to them and have been rejected, which is not a good feeling... I know that you've forgiven me for a multitude of wrongs that I've committed towards you, so I should be able to do the same for them, right? It's just really hard because those people haven't even apologized. *sighs*... Help me to extend love and grace in these situations. And lead me to the direction in which you would have me go. Show me what actions need to be taken, if any at all.. And please please PLEASE give me peace about this. Remove the bitterness, anger, hostility, remorse, sadness, resentment, any and all negative feelings that I have towards your children. Because they are still yours just like me. And if you could love me through all my wrongs, I should be able to love your people through this.
Amen.

Breakin My Heart

For me to care so much about this and you just piss all over that...

For me to give my heart and soul and might to this and you don't understand...

For me to love this above ALL ELSE so deeply and fully and you just defy it with everything inside you....

It hurts me so much to know that this God that I love and trust and hold so very dear is just nothing to you. He's this far away entity that you don't understand.

It breaks my heart everyday and makes it hard for me to even stand you.

It Was Just A Dream Just A Moment Ago...

I just settled into my hotel room in Minneapolis, Minnesota and all I can think about is how blessed I am... To have made it to nationals with my volleyball team, to have been accepted into the scholarship halls at KU, to have received about 5 different private scholarships..... I feel so blessed.
The main thing on my mind right now is the fact that in a few days my team and I will be fighting for a national championship title against some of the best teams in America! I honestly never thought that this was possible. I remember my junior year of high school attending my first power league tournament and not really knowing what that meant. Playing at power league gave your team a better chance of getting a bid to nationals, but my team junior year was not very cooperative. And I remember hearing my teammates that year talk about how their friends from other teams had already gotten bids for nationals and how our team didn't have a chance..... It sucked. But now I'm here in Minneapolis preparing for the national competition and I honestly can't believe it.
I'm reminded of my setter last year, who would almost never set me. And the libero, who would yell and fuss at me every time I had to play next to her in the back row.... And I just feel so blessed because neither of their teams made it to nationals. Actually, I don't think any of the girls from my team last year are going to nationals... But here I am in Minneapolis, preparing for the national competition.
I thank God... Because this journey hasn't been pretty. It's been frustrating, challenging, and weary... But I made it. God brought my team and I here and I know He'll continue to stay with us while we play, win or lose. I'm so thankful.

Moving Through the Hurt

I found out yesterday that while my ex and I were together, he lied to me about his past...
Not necessarily lied, I guess, but he left out something huge. He neglected to tell me about an encounter with one of his ex-girlfriends.
My heart really hurts thinking about this right now and for the first time after learning about the incident, I'm crying... I guess that's good, right?
I just can't believe that he wouldn't tell me that.. Of all people, I was supposed to be the one closest to him.
And I've forgiven him, which is all through Christ's power working in me.. But I really really don't think I want anything to do with him anymore. My feelings are deeply hurt and I think I have the choice of whether or not he'll continue to be in my life..... So why don't I let him go?
It's the soul tie that he and I have created.. The one that I've been begging God to break. And if I'm praying that prayer then why can't I let go of it?
This guy lied to me. He hid a piece of his past from me and I'm not finding out until we've been broken up for more than half a year!
I think it really is time to move forward... Without him.

Senior Year: Complete

Wow... It's been a little while since I've posted, but I should let you all know that my year ended amazingly! Fantastically even! I ended up graduating summa cum laude ranking 12th in my class of 138 students; not the very best, but it was still a great accomplishment! I've decided to attend the University of Kansas in the fall and major in social work. I will not play on a college volleyball team, but I will tryout for KU's club team, so wish me luck! My 18s club team is going to Nationals in a couple of weeks, which is another major accomplishment! I had a super fun graduation party last week and tons of people came to support me..... To sum things up, my senior year may have started out rough and trudged along with a few minor hiccups, but everything ended up falling into place and I am much stronger because of the little hiccups.
Not only am I a stronger young lady, but I can really see God working in my life on me and on my peers. I feel as though I've never been closer to God than I am now and I'm attempting to better understand him and how he works..... I often find myself reviewing my life up to this point and how my relationship with Him as changed so much! I remember when I first became of aware of his beauty in about the 6th or 7th grade... That was when I first learned that it was necessary to have a relationship with Him.. And all I wanted to do was learn more about him and share him with others.. Now that I've been through some rough times I feel as though God has taught me that not only do I need a relationship with Him, but that relationship must be the most important one in my life! I just love how God's been talking to me lately and showing me how beautiful he is. This, by far, is the biggest and best accomplishment of the year...
And that ex, oh my. Well we've come quite a long way! We're still good friends and, after trying so hard to inwardly hold onto the romantic belief that we could one day be together again, we've decided (or God's decided for us, rather) that it's just best to let it go for now. I am sure that God has good plans for both of our lives, which gives me peace. And for that I am so grateful, because I know that that peace had to have come from God....
All in all I can honestly say that I am content with my life right now. God's just been doing some really great things with me and I can't wait to share that with the world!

Dist..............Ance

So close yet so far.. That's exactly what you are
From your heart to my heart; it's both inches and miles apart
I can see you sitting across from me, a face that I once knew
And I see the true you from a distance. It's a more hazy view of you
The once beautiful image of you that I held is now smeared and somewhat tarnished
And I'm struggling to sort through this garbage.. But it's hard because I feel as though I'm sorting alone....
It's like I see YOU. You're the bright light at the end of the tunnel.
But this tunnel's so long.. And in it I can hear your faint echoes.. But it may just be best to move on...
Because that light is only a twinkling and that echo is only a whisper
And my ears and eyes are shutting in fear of hurt because you're neither bright nor loud enough....
And I doubt that you'll get louder just for me......
So must I stray and leave all thoughts of this where they stand? Or should I reached even further to grab ahold to your hand? Even though.. I'm not even sure if you're holding it out...
I could squint a little further and look all about,
but honestly I'm not sure if it's worth all the pout.....
Because the haziness that is there is all caused by my doubt...
And that haziness is pulling me further back from the tunnel
where your light still isn't bright enough for me to even see...
So I'll slowly recede until I no longer see that light
Or hear that echo.... Whispering faintly..... Come... Com-.. Co-.... C-....
So close yet so far.. That's exactly what you were.

No Love Lost

Trying to study and focus and be studious but all I can focus on is the pain
I hate you, man. Don't you realize what you did?
How could you allow a friendship that I once held dear and thought you did too just fall to pieces
Not suddenly but gradually... And when I attempted to pick up the small pieces that I'd noticed lying there on the ground... You push them out of my fingtertips and say "leave them be.... There not worth keeping around"
So here I am all sad because I thought our friendship was real
I thought I could look up to you; at least that's how you made me feel
But you left and left me broken and without a role model to seek.
You turned your back on my offers, leaving me lonely, confused, and weak.
Now what have I got? I guess some memories that once meant something.. But now mean nothing to either of us.. I guess that's what happens when college strikes.

A Letter To God

God,
I'm trying so hard right now to meek and to choose my battles wisely. But I'm also reflecting on a very important relationship to me and it seems so one-sided. I feel as though I give so much love, encouragement, and just myself to him and he's giving me nothing back. How am I supposed to deal with that?
But then I remember how you've always given me your all, even when I didn't know that you were. And how when I did things to hurt you, you never shunned me for it. You didn't cast me to hell, although maybe you should have..... Help me to remember your kind of love today, so that I'm not going crazy over maltreatment.... Help me to realize that I'm no better and all the things that are being done to me, I've done to you and you still forgave me.
Plus, I owe you my life.
I love you, Lord. Help me to love your people too.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen...

A Letter to That Ex

Dear Freaking You,

You make me so sick and here's why: you're so thoughtless and careless sometimes that you just say things without considering the effect that your words have on people. For instance, you promised that we would hang out for spring break and then forgot to mention that you weren't even planning on coming home. Had you gone and left me hanging I would've been devastated! But you don't even realize that. And so I'm trying not to make a big deal about it and blow up at you for it but that's so hard to do because I have a lot of feelings. So here I am trying to be meek and choose my battles wisely, but that's tough because now my feelings are hurt. You neglect to text me to check in on me and maybe I shouldn't expect that; but I figure since we both supposedly care a lot about each other that you'd do that. But you don't and that hurts.

YOU SUCK AT BEING A FRIEND.

When I come to you with my problems seeking advice or just encouragement you give me nothing! And I always give you encouragement when you're down in the dumps. I talk you through the night when you're losing your mind even though I'm DOG TIRED from a long week, but you don't do the same for me. You're a terrible friend and I wish you would realize that and grow up. Maybe then you'd stop hurting my feelings so much.

Crap

I feel as though this is becoming a bit ridiculous. Why am I not over you yet?
Why do I still long to speak to you everyday?
Why do you cross my mind constantly throughout the day?
Why can't I stop comparing other guys to you?
Why haven't I gotten over you?
.......Maybe I need to be busier so that I can stop thinking so much about you and how much I miss you.
And the only song that's stuck in my head right now is "Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick....
For those who don't know, she's talking about a breakup.
Maybe. Maybe I just need another boy to focus on. In the past, after every breakup I'd just find someone new to focus on. I told myself that that someone new would be Christ this time.
But ya know, I'm human. And it's so hard to believe that God can take care of even my physical desires sometimes. I know he can, but I just have a hard time believing it.
I just feel so broken and alone and sad and shameful.
And remorseful and dreary and just about every other emotion that can be felt.
:-\
I would love it if you all prayed for me.

Appreciation

I appreciate the past that we shared and the appreciation that you showed me.
So much
And I miss it desperately.. Cause we all know that no one loves like you do