For The Love of God

Joy to the world, everyone! I've finally figured out how to stop hating my ex-boyfriend! And it all came to me when I was studying the Word, which is so awesome and pushes me to continue seeking after Christ!

All this time I've been hating that guy and praying that somehow I could just stop caring; I'd pray that I could stop hating him and simply be indifferent. I didn't want to love him or hate him, but basically feel towards him the way it appears as though he feels towards me. I'm sure he doesn't really feel indifferent towards me; he's just the kinda guy that is completely unthoughtful and I'm sure he's pretty focused on God and himself right now. Totally understandable. But, I think that because I felt/feel as though he's behaving as though he's indifferent towards me, a lot of hate had been built up in my heart because I know that I deserve more than that.
Anyway...... The answer to my problem is this: I need to pray that God softens my heart and shows me how to love that loserish ex of mine the way that God intended for me to love him. And that's gonna be a really hard thing to do, especially right now, when I don't feel as though I'm being loved by him at all.
Jesus, however, is such a compassionate savior. I can't imagine how he mustered up the strength and courage to love Judas even when he knew that Judas would betray him.... That's mind-blowing to me because Jesus knew that Judas was going to hurt him and turn against him and loved him before all that! On top of that....... Obviously Jesus loves me the same way, so I have no right to hate my ex for any wrongs that I feel have been done.
I simply must pray and ask God for the strength and the courage to love the way he wants me to.... Passionately, unconditionally, patiently, kindly, without envy.......
God, help me.... Cuz apart from you... I can't do this.

Ex-Nothing

For me to be identified as your ex-girlfriend kind of makes me want to gag.
I wish I could detach all connections that were ever there and just put an end to the perpetual past that we even have
I want to move on with my life
I never want to see you again
I want to live a life where no one freaking knows you
I want no connections. No ties. No baggage.
Why, God, did I have to go through THIS????????
Why can't I just be without blemish..... Why can't I just have a clean slate and clean start in life?
Why do I have to live with this pain and resentment and just disgusting, awful, grossness????


*Sighs*

Hatred

Such a calloused heart I have towards you.. But only when it comes to you.
Who the heck am I anyway? For me to hate someone is kind of crazy... And I just can't exactly pinpoint why I would even want to hate you.......
I get so angry when I reflect on our previous relationship. I think about how loving I was and how supportive and caring and accepting of your flaws.... And then I think about how you were the exact opposite to me. You often disappointed me. There were plenty of times when I told you about that and probably made you feel really bad about it. I probably held you to a standard that was too high for you to reach; but too high to have been held? I don't think so...
I think maybe I expected you to reciprocate love in the same ways that I gave it.. And when you didn't I was openly and blatantly disappointed.
However, I was always extremely thoughtful when it came to you. I always made time in my schedule for you and I would make adjustments whenever that was necessary. I was sometimes selfish and bratty when things didn't go my way. I think I learned from you that that was not okay.
I always uplifted you when you were feeling down. I always provided a listening ear and words of love and encouragement... You, on the other hand, would listen and that was all.
I definitely expected a lot from you and sometimes made you feel like you were incompetent because you didn't meet my needs... I sought a relationship of dependency but it actually turned out working oppositely.... You depended on me for a lot of emotional support, which is crazy because I wasn't emotionally stable myself.
You sought me for sanity...... I was your comfort.
I was your rock.
And while I hated that I couldn't depend on you in the same ways, I loved being depended on......
And now you're becoming a better man. I should be happy about that, right? I should definitely be happy that a young man of God is growing closer to God and becoming a better man because of it; and any other man I would be happy for... But you..... You wronged me a great amount of times, left me disappointed probably more times than I can count, played with my emotions more than I have even played with them, and left me hanging more than all of those things combined.......
It may be natural for me to feel the way I'm feeling... But I'm certain that it's not Godly. I'm pretty positive that I should want the best for everyone around me and unfortunately you are still included in that number.
I just wish I could be far away from you, never have to see the face that hurt me so much again...... But God told me to go to KU, where you also attend college. God led me to Simple Truth, where I love the people but am reminded every time we convene of the face that damaged my heart.....
And all of a sudden the feelings of resentment, anger, hostility, hatred flood my happy little heart........
That's exactly what it is. I hate you.
Hate seeing you happy, hate when you're nice to me, hate when you text me as if we're friends and everything's cool.
I hate that you think that we can be friends after all the hurt you've brought to me.
I hate that I have to be loving towards you because that's the way God is to me although I've hurt him probably a thousand times more than you've hurt me........
There's an ocean of hate in my heart and it won't drain out......... Praying, reading the word, congregating with fellow lovers of Christ. Nothing. Works.
I still hate you at the end of every day.... And I simply can't stop

Prayer From A Weary Soul

God, help me to choose wisely in what and whom I invest my emotions. I know from experience that if I place them in the wrong things and people, I will only end up hurt and heart-broken.....
God, give me wisdom and discernment when it comes to these kinds of things. I know that without you I am nothing... Apart from you I can do NOTHING. I am weak, Lord, but you are strong...
Help me to really seek you for strength and to make wise decisions regardless of whether or not it's what's popular or widely-accepted. Help me to put my faith and trust in you alone because you alone can save me and help me when I really need it....
God only you can fill the voids in my life. Only you are the answer to my loneliness and emptiness and pain......
Fill me up with your love, God.
I am seeking you, giving you everything inside me.... I know that that's the only way that I'll find you....... Here's my everything God..........
Help me, heal me, fix my brokenness.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

God, what on earth are you doing??
What IN ME are you doing? I feel so alone and empty and hungry and thirsty and displeased with my life. And it's so weird because I never expected to feel this way, especially not right now.
I'm so sorry for over-estimating myself. For trusting myself so much and for not keeping you as the apple of my eye.....
God, whatever you have planned for me, bring it on. Whatever you want to do inside of me, do it. It hurts and it's so uncomfortable and scary... But, God, I know that you know better....
I know you know better, so why don't I go whenever you say come follow wherever you lead? Won't you help me?

Never Change

Maybe this will take some time.. Maybe this is gonna take a lot of time and I won't even be there to see the results........
But from the looks of it, you haven't changed. You're still the same unintentional, unthoughtful, stupid boy. I don't want to hurt you anymore.
I just want to move on, never see you again, and find something and someone better to behold.