My Crazy Big Sis

"Note this:

I'm sorry for calling you gay.

-Sincerely Ashli Johnson"

LMBO!

You're My New Addiction

Listening to "Addiction" by Jaelife.

Great song!

You can get it on the album "Eight Tracks 2 Ipods" at http://www.sacredapparelmixtapes.com/

... And many other Christian artists :)

Dancin & Singin & All That Jazz

OHHHHHH how I love to dance to a song with a fantastic beat

and excellent bass!

REALLY loud in my headphones

or just blast it in the car...

Straight up jammin!

Can ya dig it? :)

No More

"I know I wanna sin, but I've been born again"

Listening to "No More" by 116 Clique.

EXCELLENT freakin song, guys!

I would advise you to check it out especially if you're saved and struggling with the same old sin that you know you don't need.

"My love for God is greater than the lust that I offered you!"

Grrrrreat song!

I'm Goin In!

I'm trying to understand why I continue to fall.

I know that I don't have to.. Sin is no longer my master. I'm not a slave to sin according to Romans 6:14.

But have I really been set free?

Because if I were set free, then I wouldn't keep going back to this.

And it wouldn't still be a major issue in my life.

Prayers, please?

The Wedding Bed

Gosh, I never realized what an amazing gift God has given us... Sex!

It's truly amazing how a man and woman can be joined together to produce no only excitement but children as well.

I'm reading this book called "Every Young Woman's Battle" and it has really shed some light on the true meaning of sex.

A lot of people think they should be sexually experienced coming into a marriage so that you know what you're doing.

But as Shannon Ethridge explains, if you have sex before marriage, you'll compare your husband to all the other men you've had before him. God created sex for marriage so that when you do have sex, it will be with someone you are equally yoked with and you won't have to worry about comparing that person to another.

I can't wait to finish reading this book!

It makes me feel a lot better about keeping my virginity till marriage :)

I hope you all can stay encouraged to do the same!

It's no secret...

It's no secret; you admire me.

And yes, you even admitted it.

So how bout we grow up and act like it..

We're not in elementary school anymore, hun.. Not even middle school

This is HIGH school. Which means we're on a higher level of thinking and learning.

And we should be behaving on a higher level as well..

Why should I have to tell you this when you're almost a grown man?

Grow up.

Grow some balls.

And quit thinkin you're too cool for somebody.

We're just about on the same level here; might as well act like it.

Cause I most definitely have plenty other options. ;)

[... In a non-conceited way]

:)

.. James

Typing Out Every Little Thought That Pops Into My Head

... I feel bad for what I just did.
Lecrae says that the devil uses guilt. He shows us what we did and tells us we're a joke.. Well if I'm not supposed to feel guilty, then how am I gonna give God a sincere apology??
I'm tired of going through this to be quite honest with you. I don't understand why God put me in this situation or any of the ones that led to this. I just don't get how he can possibly think that I can handle this when I continue to mess up..
But maybe he knows I can't handle it... ALONE! .. Maybe God is putting me through this so that I can depend on him and become spiritually stronger..
I just wanna know what other 15 year old has to go through this.. And has had to go through it for a good 5 years...

CAN I JUST BE DONE, GOD????!?!?!?!?

To the Left, To the Left

Everything you own in a box to the left... 

And not a tear will I shed for you.. You're so not worth it.. 

But it does hurt..

I mean to be quite honest, we were never anything.. It was just stated that our feelings for each other were mutual... 

Sooo.. I just figured that the feelings we both had required some form of communication..

Even though you ignored my Happy Thanksgiving text, I, at least, expected a hi or hello when you see me in person..

7 Things- Miley Cyrus (UNofficial Video)

I Feel Like...

I feel like there's no other way to express my true feelings.

I feel like thinking about you all the time but, that always brings about tears.

I feel like the constant thinking and questioning and wondering simply cannot bring about healing!

I feel like telling you how much you hurt me but, it's one of my biggest fears.

I feel like screaming everyday since the day we broke up.

I feel like confessing my sins to the world but, that's so hard to do.

I feel like all hope is gone and I should just give up.

I feel like thinking about how it was when I was with you..

But no. You hurt me; I never told you, but you did.

And wait. You're such a jerk but only because you're still a kid.

So..... On days when I feel like crying and I feel that inside I'm dying

What do I do?

Said I Wasn't Goin Back... Well....

I did it.. I went back.. I went back to the very thing that set out to kill me..

And I am so ashamed.

Every Time I Tried to Leave...

... Something kept pulling me back... It was so hard..

And now that I've been delivered from the situation, the devil's tryna pull me right back into it..

It's even harder this time than it was before.. The thoughts "Well I haven't done it in a while; it couldn't hurt just to go back once..." keep popping up in my brain...

It's difficult.. So prayers, please...

C.R.U.S.H. :)

Sooo...  It's UNANIMOUS.... I've got a crush... A secret admiration..

First one since Ahmad... :P

His name makes me sick, now.. It has since the day we broke up though...

Haha..

And I thought I'd never move on.. Lol.

And I have a crush :) Muah ha ha ha!

Saved (Poem by Yours Truly)

I'm saving my anger because I know it's not worth the pain

I'm saving the Word in my heart for a day when I know it'll rain

I'm saving my virginity for my husband, when he is true

I'm saving all the drama for with it, I won't make it through

I'm saving myself from all the heartaches that I know will come with corrupt friendships

I'm saving my heart for the man I love. Won't give it away in petty relationships

I'm saving all the actions-without-though and, instead, following the paths that God has paved

Because once Christ came into my heart everything was saved.

Broken Promises, Broken Up, Broken Hearted

So... Ahmad and I broke up... I can't say that I've ever cried after ANY breakup before EVER.... Until now..
I guess I just need to let it go for now.. It's so hard, though. I just knew we'd be together for a long time, if not forever.. But I guess that was just one of my teenage fantasies.. Maybe one day in the future we'll be something again...
That's something that I would like to pray for but, since we just broke up last night, I think I should just pray for healing right now..
We were great friends before we got together though.. He's hilarious.. But I can't say that I don't have any hard feelings toward him. I have a TON of hard feelings just because that's my personality..
After a relationship, usually my first emotion is anger.. But not always.. I think just because it's him and I put a lot into that relationship...
So what did we learn?
Save your heart for someone who deserves it. I'm not giving my heart out to anyone else unless they decide to give me theirs, too! Then maybe I won't hurt so much after my next breakup..
Haha.. "Teenage Love Affair" by Alicia Keys comes to mind... Because I think this is the deepest I've ever been with anyone..
And after typing all this, I don't think I have as many hard feelings as before... :)

THIS Mad.....

YOU make me THIS MAD!!! You make me so mad I can't even think straight... I can't stop thinking about how MAD you freakin make me!!

I just don't understand how you can be such a butthead.... I just can't stand you anymore.... And I want to scream and cry like the image above because of how upset I am at you..

I guess I just let my heart go too soon... I guess I let my guards down for you when I always promised to never do such a thing... And it really upsets me that you're hurting me and you don't even know it.. 

Degrassi: The Boiling Point- Adam/Gracie

Ok, so before a couple of days ago I hadn't watched Degrassi in a LONG time; I wasn't very fond of the new characters! I hate when shows change from their original characters. Blah! But.... After watching it the other day, I realized that Degrassi still goes there.
And I mean that's great because that's why I always loved the show in the first place! But, Adam (AKA Gracie), the transvestdite, definitely got me thinking a lot about my views on this certain issue. Her parents and peers at school didn't accept her lifestyle and that, I believe, is definitely wrong. But, at the same time, I can't say that they won't accept her for who she is because really that's not who she is. . . 
I'm still trying to understand my own opinion on this situation. I, as a Christian, believe that God didn't make any mistakes. He definitely made Gracie to be a girl. Somewhere along the lines I guess she just got confused about her sexuality, identidy, and gender. While I am absolutely against that lifestyle choice (being a transvestdite), I definitely can understand where she's coming from.
As I have mentioned before, growing up is SOOOOO HARD and teens may question their sexuality. But I do believe that God made man to be with woman and that's how it should be. It's okay to get confused sometimes but, you gotta get back on the right track with God.
That's just my opinion and I guess you don't really hear a lot about Christianity in Degrassi. Well not since Darcy's been off the show.
But anyway, let me know what your thoughts are on this topic! I'm still sort of debating on mine :)

Doubts

I've been saved by grace through faith but, God knows I still have my doubts.
Can God hear my prayers even though I still sin? Can he hear my helpless shouts?
If my sin died with Christ then why I am still sinning? Shouldn't God take care of all that?
Why does temptation continue to come my way? How do I know God's glory is a fact?
Is it normal for me to not want to read my Bible, though I know I should be reading it daily?
Do other Christians go through this stage of uncertainty? Or am I just going crazy?
I bring all these questions to God and I wait and wait for God's reply. . .
After waiting and waiting for oh so long, I begin to wonder. . . Where is thee Most High?

"Andrea, I hear you. You must be patient; have I not been patient with you?
No matter the situation- all the lies and addictions- have I not seen you through?
I go days without hearing from you, but wait patiently for a simple call.
But you come to me in trouble and immediately I must drop all?
Remember that I'm always with you and will love you no matter what.
You have to know I'm always there. To you my doors will never be shut.
You have to trust me because chose you for everything I've thrown at you.
I'm holding it all in the palm of my hand, everything you're going through.
And it is ok every now and then to have a few doubts
But remember I am your father and I am going to bring you out"

Happy Happy Happy! :D

Lemme just start by saying.... God has been OH so very good to me lately! I mean not just lately, but I'm  really startin to appreciate his grace and mercy! He's delivered me from so much lately and he's been opening my eyes to see a lot of new things! I'm so very happy to be a child of God right now! I love him! :)

Growing Up! :)

So... Is there a certain map that every teenager is given when growing up?? Cuz if so, I did NOT get the email! ;)


But what's good is that I think I'm starting to get a little clarity on who I am again! I know I've always been a very deep thinker, and when I was younger, I always wondered which girly cliche I would portray. Then recently, I just had a huge brain fart and lost all confidence I had in my old self. So I talked to a few people and I guess it's all a part of growing up.
I now realize that my personality doesn't really fit any girly cliche. I'm just Andrea, the girl who knows everyone but isn't considered to be popular. I'm the girl with tons of close guy friends and very distant gal pals. I'm the girl who tries every sport, but is really only good at one (volleyball!!). I, also, am very mature for my age. I have always attracted and have been attracted to older guys. I'm dating a guy who's my age right now and he's awesome! But I just don't think we're on the same maturity level or even on the same page! :P But I guess I'm only fourteen... And I guess I'm just gonna have to deal with it..
But as soon as I turn sixteen (which is the age of consent!!!!), I'm gonna be the happiest girl alive! :)
Lol.. Well I guess I just don't know what God has planned for me, I'm still learning.
But in the meantime.... Pray for me please :)

Defining Me

So I've been questioning a lot of things about myself lately. Actually I've been questioning things about everyone else, too! It turns out that I have no idea who I am or how I fit into this world. I'm still wondering a lot of things about God too, like if he even hears me. It's like I know that he does, but I just wish I could talk to him directly and get a direct answer. I don't understand a lot, not only about him and everyone else in the world, but about me, too. "No one defines you except yourself"?? Well I don't even know where to begin. I'm just so lost. . . 

So is this just a part of being a teenager?? Cause if so, I don't ever wanna be one! Ever! :P

. . . But I guess I'm just a tad bit late ;)

Right Time to Say Goodbye. . .

They say there's never a right time to say goodbye. Well, Chris Brown says that, at least. But there's gotta be a right time! Especially when you probably never should have said "hello" to the person in the first place. Even though my relationship with Ahmad isn't all it could be or all it has been, it's not right to go and start something new with someone else. So pray for me, please! Because for me, there really never is a right time to say goodbye. :P

Dressed In Black

Someone was mad, they wanted to get back

Now we stand silent, We're all dressed in black.

Nobody knows who and no one cares why.

We don't know what to do. And so no one cries.

No apologies accepted, at least not anymore.

We solve problems with guns; it's nothing like before

when parents made us go to our "enemy"s home

Say "I'm sorry" and we're friends again; all the issues were gone.

But now people die, instead of our problems.

They get shot and their families are left with the problem.

Whoever killed Jessey sure didn't think twice

about him or his family, or that they were taking his life.

No one could ever put his whole life into words

And now they never will, because he'll live "with the birds".

Feel Me

Feel me...

Don't just listen with your ears and understand what I'm saying. 

Come put your body close to mine and feel what's deep inside.

Love me.

Don't just watch me and want every inch of my skin and flesh, but come wrap your arms around me and show me that you...

Love me..

Don't just tell me meaningless words. It's you that I want, so caress me and hold me and show me how much you missed me.

Let me know that it's only me that you need to be with.

Maybe if you show me all of your emotions then we can be one and feel one

another.

Because I feel you... Oh and words cannot describe how much I love you... And so badly how much I need you and need you to caress you and hold you and there's not other way to show you.... 

Than for me to 

feel you...

So you can feel me too.

Cry a River, Build a Bridge... :)

I just couldn't seem to find a way to forgive you for all the pain

But my therapist says I must, or I just might go insane.

So I'll sign this pledge, but only for a day will you not hear my mouth

But tomorrow I'll be back to remind you of the pain, scream, yell, and pout ;)

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Bipolar Ish

So I'm almost positive that I'm bipolar..

If I'm not bipolar then I definitely have some kinda issues!

International Playa's Anthem

It's funny and strange how much I've changed for you

My whole personality seems deranged because of you

I never did care about any boy because I just did my own thing

So who are you to come in and change the swing of things?

You must not know who Andrea really is- tough, but vulnerable and sweet

I'm not the girl that you're dating now. I have guys kissing at my feet.

It's not that I'm being cocky or conceited but you just aren't worth my love

For I am a virtuous young woman; Rubies and diamonds, my price is far above.

Lo Siento Baby :(

Man... I can't believe I like you enough to actually type this out.. I want us to work.. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bad.. I like you a lot.. Like really a lot. And I don't want us to end because we could never hnag out.. I don't want us to end at all... EVER.. I really like you.. I don't wanna think about not being with u... I like u a lot....
And I'm sorry my plans always get in the way of our relationship.. I'm sorry.. :(

Changes

So I guess I need to make some changes with my life. I thought I was living it to my best ability but, of course, there's always room for improvement. With that being said, I've always heard that no one is perfect. But I've also heard that it's OK to strive toward perfection. If God made us in HIS image and HE is perfect, then we definitely need to be tryin to be perfect, too, right?
My sister just told me the other day that the hardest job in the world is being a CHRISTIAN.. Dang ain't that the truth? . . . My mom just told me today that I basically need to grow up. She didn't say it in those words, but that's what she meant.
It sucks, though. Because I've always believed that I was way more mature than all the kids my age, which, in some aspects, is true. But I need to mature more.
So I guess I need to be more reserved and ladylike. I guess I need to not be so talkative and watch what I say and do.
Because there's a time and place for everything. I just need to get all that in order.

Lettin Out Some Feelings

I haven't been on facebook for about a week.
... Before coming on here I was gonna sign on.. But I thought long and hard as I was on the login page... And I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.. The same feeling I get when I know I'm about to do something wrong... Why would I move forward and do what I know God doesn't want me to do?
I think I should've deleted my facebook account altogether after the incident with you-know-who. . .
Because everytime I logged on to facebook, I went to person's page. And I looked at person's (BILLIONS OF) statuses. And. . . I just wanted to know if any were about me.. And if anyone else was there.. In person's life.. I don't know.. I talked to my brother Nahshon about it all.. And he took safari off of my iPod.. I pretty much stayed away from the computer at home.. And I stayed off of facebook. Off of person's page... Away from person... And it hurts.. Because when I don't see person I just feel weird...  But when I do see person... I feel even more weird.. Like last time I saw person in the hall, it was like just the two of us and I literally said "Oh crap". . . I don't know if person heard me or what but that's what I said.. It was just weird.. Because that was the day I made up in my mind that I was absolutely completely done.. I have to be done. This isn't what God wants for me... And what's good is there's a boy in my science class that I like. We keep in touch sort of.. He's hilarous.. Keeps me rollin.. And we flirt :) I admit..
He seems pretty sweet, too. :) I like him.. :)
I don't know I mean.. I guess.. Haha.. :) Yeah I'm smilin right now, too..
And that makes me think about person again.. For reasons that I do not wanna mention.. But the good thing is that I've had a lotta support from people who don't even know all that's goin on right now... Just know that I need prayer.. And that's such a blessing.. I didn't have to tell Mr. Allen anything at all and he's been prayin for me. Thank God for real bro! Like really..
Thank him so much!
Ugh... I know I'll make it through.. And start ministering once I get this sorted out.. Once you-know-who leaves and goes off to college and I hopefully won't be at Sumner next year.. Hopefully I'll be somewhere outta this state.. Hopefully I won't have anything to remind me of you-know-who and hopefully I won't ever have to feel the pain of those memories ever again.. Hopefully... Prayerfully...
But thank God, in the meantime..
Praise him. :)

Done.

I think I'm gonna have to let  this one go
There's this feeling that's been there.. I KNEW but now know
Cause what you aren't gonna do is play with my feelings
Leave me broken hearted and not care for my healing
So I guess a "wake up call" was all I needed
Cause I'm done with you boo. And I'm not even heated..
Done.

My Daddy

I love my stepdad. He is thee greatest father I have ever had.. Besides God of course.. I just wanted to post something in dedication to him because he is such a great Christian man.. Always out to please someone else.. And to be a helping hand to someone else.. And always puts his feelings after everyone else's. I love this man.. I want my husband to be just like my daddy.. Both daddies.. Andrew Cage.. And God.. I love them both.. And my stepdad reminds me of God sometimes.. I love him.. I love them both and thank God for HIMSELF and for my stepdad.

From Pain to Poems

Who on earth do you think you are? Because no one on earth can judge me

Not you or anyone else.

To tell me who or what you think I am.. You have no idea what I've been through

You don't know with what I've dealt.

You can't tell me that I try too hard. You don't know what's runnin through my mind.

You don't even know how sensitive I am.

You don't know that I cried because of what you said. Not for long but I did.

And you probably don't give a damn.

What were you thinking when you said that to me? Did you think that it would hurt me any?

Do you even care at all?

There's so much I wanna say to you. So much I would love to do.

But I can't.. Cuz that's God's call..

It's not my battle I guess.. But what were you trying to accomplish by saying what you did?

Was it your main purpose to hurt me?

If so, mission accomplished, bud! You hurt me bad.. Maybe not for long..

But I sure hope your happy..

Maybe I'll try not to act like a "white girl in a black girl's body" when I'm around you.

Maybe I won't "try so hard".

Maybe just for you I won't be me. Maybe that'll satisfy you.

Couldn't think of anything that rhymes with hard so I'll just end this poem.. At least I got my feelins out.. But yeah Cedric you're a butt head.. Hope you know that.

Just Some Stuff :)

I think I'm finally gonna get the closure I need

But is this really closure? Or this just greed?

Getting something I don't need or ending something wrong?

Haven't I heard about this in a song?

My mind's tellin me no, but my body's tellin me yes.

My mind is saying go, my body is to be second guessed.

I'm still unsure of a lot of different things

And I'm not at all sure about what tomorrow brings

But I do know that I can't seem to keep my mind off of you.

No matter how hard they try, my head- they can't get it through

I know I know.. Just not sure enough..

With weapons like these, it's gonna get rough.

Understand that I will end up winning after this

I guess a couple of times I just need to be dismissed..

I guess I just wanted to try out this new pic

But it was really in my heart to type out all of this.

The reason why I chose this picture is really simple

I just want to smile. I do so when I see YOUR dimples.

So whenever I come on and type about all my pain

I will see your face and smile. And hopefully be once again sane.

No reason for this post really.. Just typing out some thoughts

So don't think it's about anything. Just writin. Love ya lots! :)

Smile:)

I hope this will cover up the pain

Everything I'm feeling.. I've given up on this game.

I've thrown in the towel and admitted my shame

But what's left to do when you're who's to blame.

It sucks.. Living life like you're all happy

Cause u don't wanna admit that your life is raw and sappy

That it's more complicated than it really seems

But my whole life's just been ripped at the seams.

So what to do? Just hope this covers it up

Just sit here and smile. Don't say a word... Just shut up

Hold your head up high and pray to THEE most high

That u can hold on to this smile as another day goes by..

Well I hope this will cover up all of my pain

Cause inside my head, I feel I'm insane.

So I hope I can cover my pain with this smile.

And I pray that this smile will be worth your while.

Cause I don't want my pain to rub off on u

Just see my smile and pray that I will make it through

Check This Out

*deep sigh*... Long and deep...

So I know what's right.. And I know what's wrong.. Ok. I get it.. I get that when you're done you're done.. I get it.. And I do not want you to be done with me.. I don't..

I'm gonna try not to use the word "but" in this at all (Nahshon) :).

I wish you could understand where I'm coming from so that I could tell you all this.. I guess I'm just not ready for that.. I don't know why.. Just like you said she's gonna end up doing what she wants.. Well I guess same with me.. And I guess I just need to figure this one out on my own.. Maybe this is just a phase.. Maybe... I mean I don't know.. But... Pray for me.. And I mean I guess try to help me.. But not to the point where I feel like I'm being judged.. And if I'm not then I guess that's just my guilt huh?

I mean I've been doing just what I wanted to do for not a while but recently.. And I know that I probably shouldn't... But please just let me learn this on my own..

I just feel so weird whenever we're around each other now because it's like it's always in the back of my mind.. I don't know... Just... Let's pray.. Together.. Please.. Let's pray together.. Because I want us to stay together... Forever... You're my sister.. We need to stay together.. I love u.. Please just let me learn on my own.. I won't know unless I try.. And I'm trying.. I know that when I play with fire I will get burned.. Just pray for me please.. Please..

And I'm sorry for not telling you all that's going on.. I just don't think you would understand.. I really want to tell you because I don't really have anyone to tell.. I've told Enrique... But he's just not a good listener.. :P

But let me know what you're thinking...

Love you.

Don't Regret (Demi Lovato Redo)

Did u regret that you told me your secrets

Did u regret all the inside jokes we get

Did u regret? Did u regret all that stuff?

Did u forget that I never have judged you

Did u forget that I always will love u

Now I'm left to regret that I told u

So somewhere I went wrong

I thought we would go on

Keeping secrets

So now I guess this is where we have to stand

Did u regret ever telling me then?

Never again don't make me regret.. Don't regret

We told it all

We were just about to grow even closer than we were before

I won't forget. I won't forget about this.

So somewhere I went wrong

I thought we would go on

Our bond just was so strong

Guess u forget it

So somewhere I went wrong..

I thought we would go on

Our bond was just so strong

Guess you've forgotten

(End note.. Please believe that I didn't plan all this out.. It just happened.. When u get mad at me and get impatient and judge me it doesn't help AT ALL.. It hurts because I thought I could talk to u about everything.. )

Dirty Guilt

Please don't award and applaud me for doing chores and work around the house without being asked.. I'm only keeping myself busy before I busy myself with business that I don't belong in. I am guilty. I feel guilty. I feel dirty and I don't want to be applauded for doing anything right when I know that I have still done some wrong... I am still working on things... Still getting things together.. Like no one's perfect but people can still strive towards perfection and every time I slip it feels like I've just given up.. Well I don't know what to do anymore.. I say I'm done.. But I'm not.. I know I'm not because thoughts and images keep appearing in my head.. It's like I can't stop them.. I guess I just need help.. But during this process, I don't feel like I deserve any applause. I don't deserve any rewards.. Just simply give me a nod and a pat on the back and tell me to keep moving.. I feel too dirty and guilty to deserve more than that.

BLESSING!! ... Finally!

Well, firstly, me being able to type this message telling you about my blessing is a blessing in itself. Also, I finally feel at peace with Robert and his chick friend. :) Thank God! And lemme tell you how it happened. So, I was on facebook and saw that some people had confirmed that they were going to the album release party and I was upset because I didn't get an invite (through facebook, of course). Also, they started passing out their album at school (Christian album, which is the only reason why I wanted it and plus I heard it was good) and I didn't receive one. But I guess you had to ask in order to receive. So, I looked on my facebook a few days later and I received an invite to the party :) Not sure if my mom will let me go, but at least I was invited right?

Then I saw Robert the next morning and he had the stack of CDs with him and I was like "May I have one?"

And he was like "You didn't get one?" and handed me one :)

I LOVE the CD! It's awesome!... Truly! And today I told his chicky that I loved this one song on there that she sings.. I really don't know why I was ever afraid to talk to them.. It's like I thought they were these super humans who were gonna judge my every move... But I guess in a way, I was the one who was judging people all along. Which is probably why I thought everyone else was judging me. I am still working on that. I am trying really hard not to judge..

Then again I have a lot of other problems. The pornography problems haven't gone away...

And also.. I feel like maybe some people don't like the fact that I have a lot of energy.. It kind of bothers me.. I don't know. I just want to be accepted I guess.. But they didn't accept Jesus either so... :) Idk

Continue with the prayer, please!! God bless!

I Quit!

Do you know how bad it hurts to be excluded? And especially from your so-called Christian friends.... It hurts... Really really bad... It hurts enough to be excluded from those wild parties, even though I don't want anything to do with them.. It would be super nice to get an invite.. Just nice to know that you're wanted there... But then when you're not invited to hang out with your Christian "friends".. Ugh

I so badly wanna be friends with them.. But I've had about enough of trying! Just about a dang nuff!! I quit.. I'm done trying to impress you guys..

It's only about God now.. He's the only person I need to impress.. I'm tired of getting vibes when I see you and speak to you in the halls... Tired of it! So tired..

So I quit.. I am DONE with all of you!! Done being nice!! Not saying I'm gonna be mean, but just completely ignore you! How does it feel?!

Ya Umm.. Leave Me Alone, Creeper!

Ok, I think I've mentioned the guy who likes me... A LOT!! Well umm my goodness, he's freaking annoying! I'm not exactly the heartbreaker type and so I have a hard time breaking people's hearts... Me, I'm a lover and not a fighter.. So I honestly try hard to avoid any type of drama. But I mean... How can I get the message across without drama??? It's like dude, get off my freakin jock!! And now he's textin me from other people's phones and tellin people that we're together and stuff! Like what the heck man?!? You've asked me out quite a few times now and I've given you quite a few pretty clear answers.. And they were all definite NO's! I guess I was a little too sweet with those NO's , so I'm gonna have to be a little bit clearer.. But I don't know.. I'm just not very good at breaking people's hearts.. Just not my forte.. :P (By the way, I hope I used the word "forte" in appropriate context because I honestly do not know! Haha)

Well ya... Keep the prayers comin please and I will totally come back with some blessings! I can assure you! Thanx to my one follower AKA my sister. :-P

No shame in that though! Because maybe I just don't want everybody in my business :) Personal choice ;)

Much love & God bless to all!!

Umm.. OK Best Friend??

Man, when do the problems in my life cease? Haha. Well this blog post isn't about boys or the "best friend" I lost or about my addiction to pornography (which, by the way, hasn't been getting the best of me lately:). But it's about a friend of mine, Veronica. She and I went to middle school together. And while we are both still in middle school (8th grade), we no longer attend the same schools. She stayed back at the middle school and I now attend Sumner, a school that starts at 8th and ends at 12th. So when I left the middle school, I just knew we were gonna be hanging out everyday during the summer and every weekend during the school year. But, God decided to laugh at my plans and create some of his own. We ended up hanging out about a total of two times during the summer. :-/ And we have yet to hang out during the school year. At first, I gave the whole situation the benefit of the doubt. Ya know, each of us are very busy, even though sometimes she doesn't reply to texts.. Ya know, she's busy... But then I started seeing pictures of her with her other friend, Jenny, on a social website that we're all apart of. I mean, if she had time to hang with Jenny..... Why couldn't I be apart of that.. I mean I really don't mind, but in a way I feel left out.. Like did Veronica even think to invite me to hang out with them? I don't really want to tell her about my feelings because I just don't wanna stir up any conflict. I do want to hang ya know? But I think I'll be fine without the drama. I don't know.. But it's whatever, I mean prayers....

Ha....

They'd be super nice..

(By the way...... One day.... I WILL post a blog about something other than the problems in my life.. (: I mean there are definitely many blessings in my life that I totally acknowledge.. Just haven't blogged much about them yet.. I'll update ya tho, when the next one comes.. Like waking up tomorrow morning.. IF I do.. :)

Not Rushin Ya, God... But Uh.. When Will You Be Ready??

Okay, new problem.. I know, it's like a problem everyday for me huh? Well actually I've got a few problems, so I'm gonna go ahead and state em all! Why not?

But first, I'm gonna make a list of em, cuz after a while of typing one of them, I will forget the rest!

- Boys :-S

- .. Dang I forgot already..

- O ya! I remember now! Haha!

- Robert & his lady

- Nay Nay

Ok.. So We're gonna start at the top, end at the end, and laugh it all off! A ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Whoo! Good times.. :)

So anyway.. My first problem is with boys.. This guy, Deamante, likes me umm a LOT! And I mean I'm not gonna lie, I somewhat enjoy the company and find it cute when he comes to my locker.. Until he started coming every passing period. :) Ha. But I mean I don't know.. He's asked me out like five times now and I've told him no and I've told him why.. That's just not what God has planned for me right now.. Not just with him, but with anyone. And I know that it's gonna be super hard to hold out, but dang... LORD HELP ME TO HOLD OUT!! Ha ha. And another thing is, it's almost February.. That's like the season of love and I know my school is having a "Winter Formal" AKA Valentine's Dance. And I mean, if I don't go with a guy as a date, then I'll be fine, ya know.. But I'm not even gonna lie... I SOOOO totally want someone to ask me!!! I just want the romantic feeling of being asked ya know? Like he'll be all nervous and stuff and then he'll be fiddling with his fingers and what not.. Then he'll look into my eyes and be like "I've been wanting to ask you something for the longest time now.." And I'll be all like "What's that?" And he'll ask in this shy, romantic, cute way! Ahhh! :) I don't know. It would just be so sweet! And while I know that this kind of stuff happens in movies, I'm sure it doesn't ONLY happen in movies. I just want my fairy tale dreams to come true, as gushy as it sounds. :)

Ok... Number two on the list.. This guy at my school, Robert, he has this girlfriend. And they're Christians right? Real serious Christians and I loved that about them... When I first met them.. BUT.. I really don't know about them now.. It's almost like they like anyone and everyone in the whole entire school except me! I really don't know. I just feel like I have this big IGNORE ME sign on my back and well it is acknowledged. It just really feels to me like they judge me and don't like me at all. But I see them hanging out with these girls who are honestly (GOD FORGIVE ME) nowhere near Christ. Not that's a bad thing because I know "point em to the cross" and all, but it's like.... Dang, ya know? Like did I do somethin to deserve this? Like am I really that bad of a person? I don't know.. I just don't know.

And next on the list..... I have a friend, Nay Nay, he's a Christian, as well.. And well he has a lot to say! ALWAYS! And sometimes I feel like he only says stuff to hear himself talk, or to get the attention of someone.. I don't know. And also, I feel like he does some stuff for attention.. But then again he sometimes acts like a little girl, which OMG gets on my last freakin nerves! I just really don't know rite now.. Just do not know. Ugh...

Prayers, at this moment, would be sooooooo great!

EX-Best Friend

I'm glad you that you found who you are, just sucks that I don't have a clue

You're not the chick I used to know, you don't do what she used to do

You're just so different now and it's so hard to believe

The old you left without saying goodbye, absent without leave

I hate that you changed, I hate the new you, don't care for ya much at all

You were the best friend ever, or pretended to be, but you never returned a call

You never texted back, at least toward the end, we barely even talked

You changed so much, it's crazy, down the hall with me, you never walked

It hurts me to say we're not friends anymore, but it's really just your loss

You screwed up as a friend, so to the side you most definitely were tossed!

Tired Of The World

What has this world come to? All the twurking is getting out of control! The wild parties, the fast girls, the drinking, the conformity.... What is this world? It was all supposed to be perfect, but then a few bad apples spoil the whole world! Everyone wants to be this, everyone wants to be that. Everyone wants to be hot and cool, but who wants to be like Christ? Better question- who wants to go to hell? Is there anyone at these parties telling the twurkers that God doesn't like it? Are there any Christians at these wild parties where minors are drinking and grinding on each other? Do those people go to church the day after these parties and stand in front of the Lord and dance for Him too? It hurts me.. It really hurts me to the point of tears to see this... I honestly can't even tell you why.. I just don't get it!! I don't get how guys could even want that! I don't get how they can want to be with a girl who grinds on a million people and isn't afraid to put it out on the internet.. I just don't get it!! How can that even be attractive to someone? The mind set that light complexion and long hair is what is beautiful is leaving so many people with low self esteem and other people thinking that they're all that. It makes people think that it's the outside that is what's important, but you could be the cutest most beautiful person on the earth.. But you're nothing if you don't have Christ and everything else on the inside that makes you a beautiful person. Having sex outside of marriage and shaking up is not okay, but the world continues to live in its sin.

I am not in any way saying that I am faultless. That is so not true. I have my own problems that I am battling with. But as I work on me, I would like to help those who need help with some of the struggles that I may have overcome already. It just really hurts my heart to see all these wild girls and boys, who I thought were wholesome people, doing all kinds of earthly, nasty, sexual things. And I know I've got my skeletons in my closet, too. But in order to change, you gotta act like you want it. And grinding up on dudes at parties and then posting pictures of it up on facebook doesn't look like you want to change too much..

I don't know.. I would just really like a change. Something different from what I'm experiencing now.. I would like to be surrounded by people who want to follow Christ and want to help me along my journey but it seems that all the people I'm surrounded by are not that.

Prayers..... They would be grrreat!

Lovin You (A Poem By Yours Truly!)

Lovin you.. is easy because you're patient and kind, Love like no other

Can't find this agape love anywhere else, can't get this from another

Your love is sweet, your love is nice

You are thee only lover in my life

Everyone tries to rush and speed

Not me, not until you tell me who's right for me

You're the only love that I need

Don't need any money, sex, or weed

Your love is strong, your love is great

You overpower all of the greed and hate

So this is why I say, you see

Lovin you is so easy

Because you are patient and kind, This love is like no other

You can only find this love in GOD, can't get it from another! :)