Here It Goes

 

The love of my young life
My very best friend
My soul mate
My unconditional source of love and romance
I'm letting go of him. Starting my life anew. Turning over a new leaf and never flipping it back!
*Sighs of frustration and weariness and exhaustion*
This has been the worst and hardest experience of my young life. Still, I have no other choice. I must move along.

Seeking True Companionship? I'm Your Girl

Because I'm seeking the exact same thing. Ever since my most recent ex and I broke up, I feel pretty alone and empty, and I'm seeking the love of a friend. I'm not even talking about another male that could passionately love me the way he did.. But really just a good buddy who will be with me and just sit in my presence would be awesome. I'd love to just have someone with whom I can hold an intimate relationship and I could just spill my heart to that person. Male or female. Just a friend that will be here when I'm sad and alone. And will come to my house and be sad with me. Just lay with me and hold me. Or hug me and tell me it's okay.

Maybe I'm missing those people. Maybe I'm overlooking them when they've been here all along...

Major Issues

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.... This breakup has taken a huge toll on my life and has made me crazier than I ever could have been before..... If that's even possible!

Sweet Depression

The only friend I have, the only one who's here for me.
I can talk to you, because you're  the only one who will listen
The only one who knows my pain.. You understand what I'm going through
And instead of trying to cheer me up and make my day, you wallow in it with me...
My sweet depression
A close friend you are, but a friend who hurts me most
You bring me pain and remind me of all of my failures
But at least you're there for me still, that's why you're so sweet.
You bite and sting, then hug and hold.
Though your embrace isn't very comforting at all, it's all I've got
My only friend
My sweet, my precious, my loyal depression.
And at the end of the day, you remind me that you're there
So I return empty-handed and empty-hearted
I gravitate towards you and let you drink me dry like you always do.
Because you're all I've got anymore.
My sweet depression, tried and true

New Surprises

Blogger.... Boy, has a lot happened since we last spoke..
First thing's first: the love of my life and I are no longer together. As of October 14, 2014 (exactly one month before my 18th birthday), we are no longer an item. And it's a long, sad, but glorious story. My lover went off to college and came to the realization that God was no longer the center of our relationship and he knew that in order for each of us to seek Christ, we needed to separate. So he broke things off with me though he really didn't want to. The breakup has been in effect for a full month now and we've had and still have our ups and downs.... It's such a tricky and complicated situation, but I believe in my heart that God has a plan for both of us.
Secondly, today is my 18th birthday! Man... Time really does fly! I remember sitting in my science class at Arrowhead on the day before my 13th birthday and freaking out because turning 13 was such a huge deal! I mean it was the first year of actually being a teenager! Now I'm entering my first year of actually being legal... It's mesmerizing, really, just to think of how far I've come since then.. All I can say is that life is truly a blessing!
Third and final: this breakup with the love of my life has definitely brought forth some blessings. I've formed a new, wonderful friendship with a guy at my school. He's awesome and has been through a rough breakup before, so we've both sort of bled together. That may sound really depressing, but honestly, it's just good to have someone to talk to who understands your pain. Although my ex-lover understands my pain, I sometimes feel as though I can't come to him with all of my feelings because I don't want to affect him emotionally and throw off his walk with Christ. So, I'm super thankful for the people that God has placed in my life at the perfect time for me and them.
...... I'm 18 now...  I'm a big girl, but still as dramatic as I've always been.
It's been a nice journey, and I'm sure there's plenty more journeying to do!

Utter Disbelief

It surprises me more and more each day that I still love you.. Don't take it personally, of course. It's just that the old me wouldn't have made it this far.. You and I have been together for almost a year and a half. But if I were the same person I used to be, we wouldn't have even made it past three months.

But your love for me is something different. It's not like the love that I've had before.

This love is unconditional.

Sure we argue and disagree, but still you love me.

And that's what pushes me to keep loving you.

You're amazing and I can't believe it.

I lucked out and found the love of my life at the age of 15. Now we've known each other for two years and have loved each other for a year and a half.

This love could never fade away... I love you with all my heart

And I just can't believe it.

So, senior year was supposed to be easy. I was supposed to just glide right through everything and pass everything with flying colors and just feel awesome.
Well right now, that's not exactly happening. It's more like this: volleyball sucks, chemistry sucks, math sucks, English sucks, TOK sucks, and my sad, lonely, unsatisfied love life sucks. But I'm not really sure how to fix any of these problems.
I feel like quitting is just not an option for any of these problems. I can't quit chemistry because it's my higher level and I need it to be a diploma candidate. I can't quit English because I'm already in the class that I'm in, even though I don't feel like it's helping me at all. I can't quit TOK, because I need a good grade in there. I can't quit on my love life because well, I love my boyfriend.
So what the heck am I supposed to do? I have no time to mend these broken areas of my life. I just have to keep pushing forward and pray that I can somehow keep up with the others around me.
I just feel so.... Down, I guess. I could seriously use some prayer or something. Really any type of encouragement would be good right now.

Love of My Young Life

This love is indescribable
Because every time we meet, I can feel my heart beat
and I can feel my stomach plop and all of my vital signs just stop
You make me feel like I'm the only one that could ever deserve your love
You make me feel like only I can hold your heart.. Like only I know how.
I love you. Like I've never loved anyone else before. And I think you deserve it
I just want to give you my all, but I know that we must wait for that.
But still... I love you

Solitude

Wouldn't it be nice to think only of oneself?
To not have to worry about whether or not you're being missed?
To not have to care about whose feelings may be affected?
And to not have to guess at what's happening in someone else's mind?
Yes, it would be nice, wouldn't it?

SENIOR YEAR

I'm crying right now... Anyone care to know why? No? Okay, well here it is anyway:
My first day of senior year is TOMORROW! Can it get any scarier?? I think I could faint it's so scary!
And the thing is that it's not just MY senior year... It's not just the senior year of the hardworking students at Sumner Academy.. It's not even all about all of the teenagers in Wyandotte County that I grew up with and/or watched grow into adults.. But it's the start of a senior year for literally trillions of people. And when I think about what a huge deal that is for so many people, I tear up....
It's a beautiful concept. I just pray that this year is full of memories, excitement, emotions, and joy..
Prayers for all of the seniors this year... We're almost done, guy.. We've almost made it out
<3 p="">

The Big Step

There's no retracting once you've taken that step.
Once you've made that decision to become one, you can't turn back...
"But what if it's too soon?" you ask. "What if we didn't mean for this to happen right now?"
It did. There's no taking it back. There's no going back to the way things were before.
Because now there's a piece of you in them and a piece of them in you.. And you'll never get that back.
So I hope that once you've made that decision to take the big step, you're sure that it's with the right person and definitely at the right time.

I've Got It

Aha! I've found it!... or recalled it, rather.

That major flaw that just bugs the crap outta me about my boyfriend.

He's so freakin apathetic and I can't take it!

*Sighs of relief* He's not perfect. He's close. But that's it..

He's just far too apathetic for me... And I can't deal with it.

Appreciation

Just a little quote I found through Google's search engine. :) Hope you all are able to find happiness by appreciating what you've already got!

Best of the Best

Maybe he's not perfect, but he's totally perfect for me! (I know that's super cliche and all that.... But it's so true!)
My boyfriend has got to be the most respectful, loving, caring, and intelligent young man that I've met so far.. And man.. He makes other guys look incomparable! And really.. There's no need to compare.. Cuz I've got the best of the best! No lie.

The Ex

I've been thinking a lot about my immediate ex lately.. And kind of snooping through his Facebook page.. And pondering upon a few things.
One of them is this: is he still a virgin? .... I just want to know.. I think I wonder that about everyone, and I especially wonder that about him because well, I just do.
Another is this: .... I kind of wish we could still be friends. But I'm not so sure that that's what he wants. I reached out to him (sent him a message on facebook) and we had a short conversation.. I sent the last message and got no reply. So, I'm thinking that whatever I wanted to happen probably isn't going to happen.. And I don't really know what exactly I wanted to happen. I just know that now I would love for us to be friends and maybe even hang out. But definitely talk and be social with one another.
He was a fun guy before we dated... I'm sure he still is a fun guy.. I'd love to be his friend and chill with him.. But who knows if that'll happen?
Not me.

College Boy ♥

So, I know I've been posting a lot lately about some issues that I've been having with my significant other... But basically, we talked it all out, I got everything off of my mind and we're good now.
... So he's a college guy now! He's taking summer classes in a program at Baker University and I'm just like super happy for him! I just think it's the cutest thing ever that he's growing up and doing grown up things!
.... So what was the purpose of this post? To brag about my college-attending boyfriend? Totally.
So suck it all in. My boyfriend is a college student. <3 p="">

What Hurts Me

What hurts me is the fact that I'd jump at any opportunity to spend time with you, but you wouldn't do the same for me.
What hurts me is I'd spend ANY amount of money on you (within my means) just to make you happy and you wouldn't do the same.
What hurts me is I drop everything I'm doing just to talk to you, for a few minutes even, but I don't think you'd do the same...
And I'm pretty sure you did all that for her... Which is what hurts me the most.

Sloppy Seconds

She had your best. She had you when you were new to all this and fresh
When you were in love for the first time.
You spent "A LOT of money" on her......
And what do I have?
Whatever's left I guess.
I always knew that I was missing something
That you didn't give me nearly as much as you could
And now I understand that maybe you would
if I didn't have her leftovers
What do you give me? The time that's remaining
The affection that's left hanging after your long day of giving.
And I take it like a fool, thinking "well, this must be the best he can do"....
But really I just have what she left.
And honestly. It's not good enough for me.

_____

Ok, I'm stressed damnit!
My mom has basically missed my entire junior year because she's working in Alabama. What the heck is that? Now my sister is pregnant and still living with us. And my Aunt Lola is too now and she has alzheimer's so it's like I'm watching a child already. I'm tired. And I'm sick. And I'm tired. And I hate that my mom keeps doing this back and forth thing between home and Alabama. I can't take it anymore.
I'm stressed the freak out.
And I'm sick and I'm tired.
And I have a lot on my plate right now.
And I'm sick and I'm tired.
And Stressed

What's to Come

Sometimes I think about my future and I get excited about all the great things that are ahead of me. I think about going off to college and living on my own, without my parents holding my hand. I think about possibly playing volleyball in college and enjoying new friends and challenging classes. But most of all, I think about my future and feel nervousness because I don't know what's coming or what to expect.
Next school year I'll be a senior. My boyfriend (of about a year and a half by then) will be in college at KU, having new life experiences and meeting new people. And I'll be planning my future out. The one thing that really scares me that I could possibly lose a guy that I care a lot about. I'm not sure where my future college will be, but I'm quite certain that it's not at Lawrence. I'm also not sure if I'll be playing volleyball in college or not, but if I do, that'll be very time-consuming. I just don't see a lot of time in my future for a boyfriend and I don't see a lot of time in the future of my significant other for a girlfriend. It's all so blurry right now and I have no idea what's to come in next few years....
I just know that I have a lot of love for my guy and we both have a lot of love for God. So, if it's God's purpose for us to continue loving each other, I'm sure it'll happen... But it can be hard to trust sometimes, so prayers are appreciated!

Plans to Prosper

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Today I decided that I will not continue my senior year in the IB Program at my school.. And this is a pretty huge decision to make, so I keep wondering if this is what's right for me. The only reason I'd really want to stay in the program is because I don't want anyone to think less of me and I'd like to have a study hall. But even more so, I'd really like to enjoy my senior year and I feel like whatever choice I make, God will have his hand on my life like he always has. I'm gonna pray some more before I finalize this decision and prayers from you guys would be much appreciated as well!

Epic Fail

This lust fast has honestly been an epic fail.. I feel like I did this on my own and sort of just tried to lead myself into the Word and it didn't really do much.. Maybe some help from a friend would be beneficial? ..... Happy Easter, by the way!

Rough Day

Today's been rough, you guys.. I'm gonna be honest- I didn't focus on any verse today.. I'm just really.... Ambivalent.. I'm not sure how to feel about a lotta stuff.. Prayers...

Zechariah 7: 9-10

"Thus has the Lord of hosts said, 'Dispense true justice and practice kindness and compassion each to his brother; and do not oppress the widow or the orphan, the stranger or the poor; and do not devise evil in your hearts against one another.'"
My focus for the day: "do not devise evil in your hearts against one another"... "practice kindness and compassion each to his brother"... I usually don't have a problem with practicing kindness, it's just that I'm choosy with whom I practice this.. And I'm not gonna lie- I struggle with not devising evil in my heart against people. So, I'm praying this prayer today:
Lord Heavenly Father, I come to you thanking you for the opportunity to seek you today and for your Word, which empowers me to live my life for you. I pray right now that you keep my mind focused on this verse today, and that you show me how to practice kindness and compassion. I pray that you help me to no devise evil in my hearts against anyone and to be fair, in this way, to everyone. In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not into your own understanding....
This was my focus for the day. I'm not so good at keeping specific scriptures in mind throughout the entire day.. But this is only day 2 of 40..
Stay tuned and stay prayed up!

For the Love of Christ

For the love of Christ I am beginning a forty-day fast. What kind of fast, you ask? A lust fast and I expect it to be one with some difficulty. I prayed last Tuesday at Bible study for all of the flaws that I have that have been troubling my peers and I lately and one major one that has been persistent since I was a child was my struggle with lust. I know that everyone has that one temptation that trips them up throughout their entire life, but I feel that lust is something that everyone encounters at some point. For me, lust has been the trickiest of all my temptations, so I'm taking a break!
During this break I plan to set aside some time to spend intimately talk with God. As I journey through this fast, I'm gonna try to keep my blog updated with whatever God decides to tell me.. :)
So be on the lookout, guys!

Water Under the Bridge

My beau and I talked the other day and our separation is finally over!

I do have different feelings towards him now though and I'm not sure if that's for better or worse.. I just know that I didn't like the idea of us having space and that I'm gonna be sure to give him plenty of that in the future. I just don't want him to be annoyed with me. So, yeah.

It's all water under the bridge with us now..

We're lovin all over each other again! :)

S P A C E

He's asking for space and I feel like he's asking for a breakup.

Even though I know that's not the case, my entire life has seemed to hiccup.

It makes me think about my previous relationships.. The longest one lasted three months and there was plenty of space between that guy and I. We were young and immobile, so space was a given.. But now that I'm older and can basically go anywhere I want whenever I want, I want to do just that. But my guy likes to stay in and have alone time, whereas I'm more of a get-out-and-go-hang-with-friends kind of girl.. So my heart's beating really fast when I think about how much time I'd love to spend with him while we're on Spring Break but all he wants to do is stay in and watch TV...

It shouldn't hurt my feelings, but it does because I feel like I want to be with him more than he wants to be with me. And I'm sure that's not true, but my mind always goes there.. I just need to give him his space and pray that my feelings of rejection can be erased.. And wonder why, oh why do I have to feel so much pain???

Nine Months Strong

What a wonderful nine months this has been! To be able to spend them with a caring, compassionate, and respectful guy is more than I could ask for... And who would've thought that I'd be in a lasting relationship?! Not I.. But we'll see if our relationship is really lasting once he goes off to college. It'll take nothing but effort, trust, and the grace of God to make this thing work.. And I'm kind of anxious to see just what will happen. :)