Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Make My Boast In You Alone

God,
I know that without you, I'm a really crappy person. I only want wisdom that comes from you--wisdom that I can only gain from knowing Christ. I love you, Lord. But I know for sure that your love for me is infinitely greater. It's so great that my mind couldn't even comprehend it.
Thank you for loving me...
Help me to boast in YOUR strength and not my own. My strength is fleeting. Your weakness is greater than my strength, Lord. But I already know that you're not weak at all. You're wonderful, mighty, powerful..... May I never stop seeking your face, Lord.


You're my everything, God.... Hold on to my heart. I know you know how to handle it with care...


In your Son's name I pray...

Amen ♥.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

A Matter of Trust... And All the Other Emotions That I'm Emoting

I'm making a list of all the things I must address in this post:
1. Boys and crap
2. Churches and doctrines and baptism and God
3. Life
4. Investments
5. Money


Boys.... My goodness. I'm just sick of boys. Simple as that. I've always been cynical of guys. I think the only guy that I wasn't cynical about was my ex and welp, he just was... I don't even know. But now it's like, when I finally decided to stop focusing so much when I was gonnna find the true love of my life, now there are so many freaking options. But I don't even wanna think about it anymore because I'm really so wrapped up in God. I don't know. I read a status on Facebook today that said that not all opportunities come from God. They may look good, but you must always follow the will and guidance of God. And that's scary because now I don't even know if I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me....... *Sighs* Boys just are too much for me. I don't want to have to worry about anyone else right now and that is a genuine statement. And also a pretty crazy one because a couple of months ago, I was just so ready for whoever God would send to me...... God, give me peace and lead me in the right direction. I don't want to be with anyone or do anything that you won't approve of. I love YOU above everything else. You're the love of my life and not just until I find someone else to be the object of my affection. It's all you, God. All day.
Churches and crap. So I've been goin to Simple Truth, the campus ministry at KU, right? And I knew (since last year when I found this out from my ex) that they believed that in order to receive salvation, you must be baptized. And this completely went against what I believed a year ago and it still does go against what I believe. However, all the Bible verses that they showed me kind of said that explicitly. So I'm at a loss. I don't know what to believe. I don't know what to think. I'm just freakin confused is what I am. So there's that. But, my church in Lawrence, Antioch Community Church, is lead by the Holy Spirit, and you can see that in the fruits that they produce. You can see it in the way that they are lead by God to do tremendous things. And on that note, I've realized how extremely scary the will of God is. Like, God so requires EVERYTHING in us and that's just the scariest thing ever to me. I feel like God's just gonna show me things that I'm holding onto and be like "uhn uh. Gotta let that go." And then he's gonna be like "okay, I want you to go here and do this." And do you realize that when God calls you to do something YOU KINDA HAVE TO DO IT?!? It's the scariest thing I've ever had to face and I haven't really faced much yet. Just the thought alone is scary. God, take over. I'm giving you all my fears right here, right now. I know that you are gonna get the glory out of everything, whether or not I'm on board. But God, I really do wanna live recklessly for you! I want to do your will and spread your love and proclaim your name everywhere that I go and to everyone I encounter. Help me, God, to be obedient when you call me. Help me to follow you and walk by faith..... Thank you.
Life..... Dude, I'm just like a really emotional person. Last night, I couldn't sleep and so I went through all my text messages with my ex and looked through his Facebook and his Twitter and I'm just like dang..... Like it was so perfect. And to admit that I still believe that sometimes is quite painful. It's so hard to really let go of it all.... STILL. Like It's been over a year and we were so close for so much longer than that. I just feel so empty sometimes because I put SO MUCH into that relationship. It just seems like it was all in vain. And it hurts and it upsets me that I even went through it all...... God, here's my freakin pain. The stuff that I know I can't deal with on my own. Alone I'm just weak. I'm so weak and I really need you right now. I'm trying to make decisions on what to do with my life and where to go, who to spend time with.... God, I need you to be the only person I'm trying to please and I need your glory to be my only goal....... Fill me up with your love so that I don't have to seek it anywhere else. Keep preparing me for the man you have for me.... I have no idea who he is or what you're doing with him, but prepare him too. So that when it is time for me to submit to him, he'll be submitting to you. Ughhhhhh....
Investments. God, I love my roommates. They're wonderful. I love the women of Simple Truth. I love the people at Antioch and I love the people at IGV. The thing is.... I can't completely invest in all those people. It's not happening because in order to really invest, I'd have to spend a lot of time with those people and there's only so much time in a freaking day! I'm just not tryna have half-hearted relationships with people in my life, God. I need to be poured into and to pour into others alike. I need to really just get with some people that I really connect with and share my life with them..... Right, God????? Or nah? Just help me.
And money really ain't even an issue. Thank you, God.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Making An Investment

God's really been showing me lately that I need to make some serious investments in some of the people here at KU. However, I've found myself at odds because I really don't know which specific people God wants me to really pour into. There are so many groups on campus (which I learned within my first couple of weeks of being here) and it's hard to really invest in one group of people when you're associated with so many.
I know for sure God's poured into me a ton already this year and I need to be pouring all of that love and grace back out....
But where, God? I want to make sure that you're getting the glory out of everything that I do, so that none of it is in vain..... That being said, I ask that you take the lead.... Take control of my life and stop me from trying to see everything and lean into my own understanding.

My life is yours, God. Take over and lead me to the people that you want me to invest in.....

Amen.

Friday, October 10, 2014

We All Want It


All women want this one thing: to be validated by a man so that our self-confidence (whether great or small) can be affirmed. This may not be and is more than likely not the ONLY thing that a lot of women want, but I've come to learn that most of us do want it, and seek it out in various ways....
For example, I've learned about myself recently that I use my extroverted personality to be somewhat more friendly around guys because it makes me feel closer to them and that is something that validates me in my mind. Knowing that I can get emotionally close to a guy makes me feel better about myself.
Another example that I've seen in one of my friends is that she loves having male companions. Usually these male companions end up seeking lustful relations with my friend, and she usually submits. Why? Because she wants to be validated and she wants to feel as though she has the approval of a man in her life.
I have another friend who thrives off of male attention. She has a boyfriend, who mistreats and abuses her. But she stays with him and loves him with all of her entire whole heart! Why? Because she's seeking the validation of a man in her life.
Why why why do we seek this affirmation from men? Is there something biologically wrong with all women that causes us to have this HUGE VOID in our hearts which can only be filled by men?!??

Fortunately and unfortunately, the answer is no. This answer is unfortunate because all of us women are searching so hard for something to fill this void in literally ALL the wrong places. And I do mean literally. But this is also fortunate because if men could fill this huge void in our hearts, we'd never seek out the love of THE ONLY MAN that is worthy enough to fill it. He's the only one who can truly fill it and truly satisfy our needs......

I've had to learn this lesson the hard way... Fortunately and unfortunately. I endured so much pain in order to come to this realization, but I know for sure that it was sooooooooo worth it!! And I'm glad that I'm able to see that no man can fill this void so that I can tell all the women around me about the only man that can.... Jesus.

Man. There are really so many ways in which he showed this love for us and I probably couldn't even fit it all into one post. Recently, I've learned about how he suffered through so much freaking pain in expression of his love for us. Like can you even imagine a guy that would suffer through humiliation for you, ladies?!? A man that would be whipped and brutally beaten and then crucified in front of HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE just to show that he loves you?!? Man.... Really he's just been showing me more and more each day how great his love is for ME. ME specifically.

Jesus loves ME. So much more than any guy on this earth could ever love me! And because of that, I give my heart to him. My heart in its entirety. I know that only he knows what to do with it and I pray that the beautiful women around me will learn to do the same... It ain't easy, but it's so worth it.....

Let's just seek the validation of the man who loves us more than ANYTHING. ♥ ♥ ♥

Monday, October 6, 2014


So.... You want me to confront my pain, God? You want me to seek you to better understand how to deal with it?
Why couldn't this just be something that I could get over easily?
Why do I have to suffer through this and hurt so much? Is this like punishment? Or is this you making me stronger and better? Because it really kinda just seems like I'm just hurting a lot and hurting doesn't feel like it's making me stronger... It seems like it's making me angrier! I thought I was over this, God.... I thought I could move on and be happy again.
Am I like emotionally unstable or something? Maybe I just shouldn't be involved with him at all!
Well, if that's the case then why do you even have me here? Why does it seem like following you only causes more hurt?



But I just learned not to lose faith in you. I just learned that although it doesn't seem like you can win this battle, I shouldn't trade you in for anything because YOU WIN EVERYTHING.
...... It just really hurts me right now. And I don't think it should.
But your timing is perfect and I'm where I am right now for a reason.... Though I can't see or feel it, I'm sure you've got something great for me...... Right?

Sunday, September 21, 2014

For The Love of God


Joy to the world, everyone! I've finally figured out how to stop hating my ex-boyfriend! And it all came to me when I was studying the Word, which is so awesome and pushes me to continue seeking after Christ!
All this time I've been hating that guy and praying that somehow I could just stop caring; I'd pray that I could stop hating him and simply be indifferent. I didn't want to love him or hate him, but basically feel towards him the way it appears as though he feels towards me. I'm sure he doesn't really feel indifferent towards me; he's just the kinda guy that is completely unthoughtful and I'm sure he's pretty focused on God and himself right now. Totally understandable. But, I think that because I felt/feel as though he's behaving as though he's indifferent towards me, a lot of hate had been built up in my heart because I know that I deserve more than that.
Anyway...... The answer to my problem is this: I need to pray that God softens my heart and shows me how to love that loserish ex of mine the way that God intended for me to love him. And that's gonna be a really hard thing to do, especially right now, when I don't feel as though I'm being loved by him at all.
Jesus, however, is such a compassionate savior. I can't imagine how he mustered up the strength and courage to love Judas even when he knew that Judas would betray him.... That's mind-blowing to me because Jesus knew that Judas was going to hurt him and turn against him and loved him before all that! On top of that....... Obviously Jesus loves me the same way, so I have no right to hate my ex for any wrongs that I feel have been done.
I simply must pray and ask God for the strength and the courage to love the way he wants me to.... Passionately, unconditionally, patiently, kindly, without envy.......
God, help me.... Cuz apart from you... I can't do this.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Ex-Nothing

For me to be identified as your ex-girlfriend kind of makes me want to gag.
I wish I could detach all connections that were ever there and just put an end to the perpetual past that we even have
I want to move on with my life
I never want to see you again
I want to live a life where no one freaking knows you
I want no connections. No ties. No baggage.
Why, God, did I have to go through THIS????????
Why can't I just be without blemish..... Why can't I just have a clean slate and clean start in life?
Why do I have to live with this pain and resentment and just disgusting, awful, grossness????


*Sighs*

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Hatred

Such a calloused heart I have towards you.. But only when it comes to you.
Who the heck am I anyway? For me to hate someone is kind of crazy... And I just can't exactly pinpoint why I would even want to hate you.......
I get so angry when I reflect on our previous relationship. I think about how loving I was and how supportive and caring and accepting of your flaws.... And then I think about how you were the exact opposite to me. You often disappointed me. There were plenty of times when I told you about that and probably made you feel really bad about it. I probably held you to a standard that was too high for you to reach; but too high to have been held? I don't think so...
I think maybe I expected you to reciprocate love in the same ways that I gave it.. And when you didn't I was openly and blatantly disappointed.
However, I was always extremely thoughtful when it came to you. I always made time in my schedule for you and I would make adjustments whenever that was necessary. I was sometimes selfish and bratty when things didn't go my way. I think I learned from you that that was not okay.
I always uplifted you when you were feeling down. I always provided a listening ear and words of love and encouragement... You, on the other hand, would listen and that was all.
I definitely expected a lot from you and sometimes made you feel like you were incompetent because you didn't meet my needs... I sought a relationship of dependency but it actually turned out working oppositely.... You depended on me for a lot of emotional support, which is crazy because I wasn't emotionally stable myself.
You sought me for sanity...... I was your comfort.
I was your rock.
And while I hated that I couldn't depend on you in the same ways, I loved being depended on......
And now you're becoming a better man. I should be happy about that, right? I should definitely be happy that a young man of God is growing closer to God and becoming a better man because of it; and any other man I would be happy for... But you..... You wronged me a great amount of times, left me disappointed probably more times than I can count, played with my emotions more than I have even played with them, and left me hanging more than all of those things combined.......
It may be natural for me to feel the way I'm feeling... But I'm certain that it's not Godly. I'm pretty positive that I should want the best for everyone around me and unfortunately you are still included in that number.
I just wish I could be far away from you, never have to see the face that hurt me so much again...... But God told me to go to KU, where you also attend college. God led me to Simple Truth, where I love the people but am reminded every time we convene of the face that damaged my heart.....
And all of a sudden the feelings of resentment, anger, hostility, hatred flood my happy little heart........
That's exactly what it is. I hate you.
Hate seeing you happy, hate when you're nice to me, hate when you text me as if we're friends and everything's cool.
I hate that you think that we can be friends after all the hurt you've brought to me.
I hate that I have to be loving towards you because that's the way God is to me although I've hurt him probably a thousand times more than you've hurt me........
There's an ocean of hate in my heart and it won't drain out......... Praying, reading the word, congregating with fellow lovers of Christ. Nothing. Works.
I still hate you at the end of every day.... And I simply can't stop

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Prayer From A Weary Soul

God, help me to choose wisely in what and whom I invest my emotions. I know from experience that if I place them in the wrong things and people, I will only end up hurt and heart-broken.....
God, give me wisdom and discernment when it comes to these kinds of things. I know that without you I am nothing... Apart from you I can do NOTHING. I am weak, Lord, but you are strong...
Help me to really seek you for strength and to make wise decisions regardless of whether or not it's what's popular or widely-accepted. Help me to put my faith and trust in you alone because you alone can save me and help me when I really need it....
God only you can fill the voids in my life. Only you are the answer to my loneliness and emptiness and pain......
Fill me up with your love, God.
I am seeking you, giving you everything inside me.... I know that that's the only way that I'll find you....... Here's my everything God..........
Help me, heal me, fix my brokenness.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

God, what on earth are you doing??
What IN ME are you doing? I feel so alone and empty and hungry and thirsty and displeased with my life. And it's so weird because I never expected to feel this way, especially not right now.
I'm so sorry for over-estimating myself. For trusting myself so much and for not keeping you as the apple of my eye.....
God, whatever you have planned for me, bring it on. Whatever you want to do inside of me, do it. It hurts and it's so uncomfortable and scary... But, God, I know that you know better....
I know you know better, so why don't I go whenever you say come follow wherever you lead? Won't you help me?

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Never Change

Maybe this will take some time.. Maybe this is gonna take a lot of time and I won't even be there to see the results........
But from the looks of it, you haven't changed. You're still the same unintentional, unthoughtful, stupid boy. I don't want to hurt you anymore.
I just want to move on, never see you again, and find something and someone better to behold.

Friday, August 29, 2014

The One Who's Worth It

I guess I'm still somewhat hung up on the fact that I don't feel as though I was treated the way I should've been in my last relationship... I know I should definitely get over it, because the past is the past, right? Well, it just has me thinking about the guy that actually will deserve me....
If I loved my ex as much as I did, I can't imagine how much I'll love the guy that actually puts forth effort in our relationship...
I honestly just miss the feeling of being in love. I find myself sometimes longing for a relationship just so I can experience the phases again... The initial attraction, the building a genuine friendship, the nurturing, the puppy love, the infatuation, and then.... Falling in love.
It was one of the best feelings I've ever felt! I don't regret falling in love with my ex; it costed a lot of heartbreak--true! But in the end, experiencing the love and emotions involved was so glorious and magnificent......
I just can't wait for the real love of my life. The one who's gonna love me and express it and show it in ways that we both can understand! He'll be everything I need in a man. He'll be my friend, confidant, boyfriend, fiancé, husband..... Soul mate...


"Who doesn't long for someone to hold, who knows how to love you without being told? Somebody tell me why I'm on my own if there's a soulmate for everyone...."
-Natasha Bedingfield

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Applying Pressure

What I really need right now is to bleed.
Apply pressure to the wound and watch the blood ooze out....
Gosh this hurts so much. To see you move on and be happy and start anew and not even acknowledge the fact that IT WAS ME who stood by your side when you bled......
No, you never bled alone. I was always there to pick you up. Those late night conversations, those long days that you felt lonely and confused. I was there for you. But I'm left to bleed alone and why?
I'm unsure of that answer and it kills me so much.
Dude..... I literally gave you everything. That was my mistake, giving you my all. Especially knowing that you could never give back the amount that I gave to you.
Just a fool was I.... A sad fool...
*Sighs*
God, the pressure is on. I've forgiven but am still feeling this pain so much and it hurts a lot. I know that only you can fix what he broke in me. Only you can heal what he's hurt. I just pray that you give me peace in the process because I know this isn't gonna happen overnight. If it were then I'd be fine by now. Because it's been 10 months now and I'm still bleeding. I honestly don't even know what else to ask you for..... Just help. Please.



I love you, God. I'm just really having trouble letting go still.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

What Up Doe?!

This is a pretty random post about some pretty random stuff.
I don't have anything in particular that I'd like to blog about, so I'm just gonna type what's on my mind real quick and get yall updated on my life.
I have a new friend! Jeanna's the name (pronounced like Jee-nuh) and she LOVES Christ! The thing that I love about people who really love Christ is that they are human and are transparent about their struggles. Jeanna is just that and I love her and I love that! She goes to my church and she's just awesome.
Also.. My old friend from Second Missionary, Demoy, has been coming to my church lately. He loves it! I'm just so glad that I've been able to share Christ with the people in my life that I love! It's really awesome.
Vernice has also been coming to church with me more frequently. She's dealing with a breakup and I think we ALL know how tough that can be!..... We do and so I'm really just trying to be a shoulder for all of my friends right now. I love to love and I especially love to love the hurt and broken.
I know that that's my spiritual gift! I love being a person that people can depend on and so I'm being just that!
I'm hanging out with my ex tomorrow morning. :-| Annnnnd to be completely honest with everyone, I don't think I've fully healed from our relationship. I think I'm still somewhat broken and I still have some anger towards him.... Soooooo is it healthy to hang out with him tomorrow? I don't know. I know for sure that I'm not in love with him anymore and it's interesting learning the ways that I deal with breakups..... I honestly feel sick to my stomach when I think about him sometimes.
Maybe it's a bad idea to hang out with him tomorrow....
I don't know. I'm just kind of bleh about everything.
Pray for me everyone. Thanks

Monday, July 14, 2014

Ladies..... KNOW YOUR WORTH

I'll admit-- I myself have fallen into the trap of lust and given my body to a man that was not my husband. And yes, premarital sex is premarital sex whether you're in a committed relationship with someone or not, BUT why on earth would you have sex with a guy that you barely know and are not even dating?
Why on earth would you have sex with a guy that you've only been dating for a few months and do not know intimately?
We all make mistakes, so learn from your first. Don't give up your body and definitely don't give up your heart to someone who is undeserving, ladies. It'll take you through hell, damage you for life, and leave you feeling worse about yourself than you started off.
*Sighs*... I just wish the beautiful young ladies in my life knew that they and their bodies are worth more than premarital sex. They are worth more than these guys that don't wish to invest much time or love into a relationship with them. Ladies, your bodies are God's temples. They were made for more than empty encounters with guys that could care less about you. Please, please, PLEASE..... Know. Your. Worth.
You're beautiful and made in God's image. He has so much more for you than that......

Monday, July 7, 2014

Blehhhhh

I just saw an old friend at the gym... Well, old friend wouldn't really be how I'd put it. This friend was very much like a brother to me, but is not anymore. It's not like I didn't try to maintain that friendship. I did. Last summer before he went off to college, I made a few attempts to spend time with him. They all fell through. And when he got back from college this summer we spent a day together and he promised that this summer would be different in terms of the amount of time we'd spend together.... Unfortunately, every time I've reached out to him I've gotten blown off. So, seeing this old friend of mine caused me to feel a lot of pain...  A lot of pain that I didn't really know was there.
You see, he isn't the only "good friend" that I've lost due to their lack of effort... There's a girl friend of mine with whom I was really close when we were in high school together. But she seemed to have blown me off quite a bit too.... I don't understand why and that's what bugs me so much! I've looked through old messages and reminisced on old times and my friendships with both of those people were great! We shared a lot of emotions and love and it seemed like we'd be friends forever! So, it just really hurts me to know that all that is over.. Not by MY choosing. I tried. Multiple times. And the door was basically shut in my face. So now I'm left with bitterness and anger towards those old friends and I know that shouldn't be....
God... I'm not sure how to handle this situation with the friends that I've lost... I feel as though I've done my part by reaching out to them and have been rejected, which is not a good feeling... I know that you've forgiven me for a multitude of wrongs that I've committed towards you, so I should be able to do the same for them, right? It's just really hard because those people haven't even apologized. *sighs*... Help me to extend love and grace in these situations. And lead me to the direction in which you would have me go. Show me what actions need to be taken, if any at all.. And please please PLEASE give me peace about this. Remove the bitterness, anger, hostility, remorse, sadness, resentment, any and all negative feelings that I have towards your children. Because they are still yours just like me. And if you could love me through all my wrongs, I should be able to love your people through this.
Amen.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Breakin My Heart

For me to care so much about this and you just piss all over that...
For me to give my heart and soul and might to this and you don't understand...
For me to love this above ALL ELSE so deeply and fully and you just defy it with everything inside you....
It hurts me so much to know that this God that I love and trust and hold so very dear is just nothing to you. He's this far away entity that you don't understand.
It breaks my heart everyday and makes it hard for me to even stand you.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

It Was Just A Dream Just A Moment Ago...

I just settled into my hotel room in Minneapolis, Minnesota and all I can think about is how blessed I am... To have made it to nationals with my volleyball team, to have been accepted into the scholarship halls at KU, to have received about 5 different private scholarships..... I feel so blessed.
The main thing on my mind right now is the fact that in a few days my team and I will be fighting for a national championship title against some of the best teams in America! I honestly never thought that this was possible. I remember my junior year of high school attending my first power league tournament and not really knowing what that meant. Playing at power league gave your team a better chance of getting a bid to nationals, but my team junior year was not very cooperative. And I remember hearing my teammates that year talk about how their friends from other teams had already gotten bids for nationals and how our team didn't have a chance..... It sucked. But now I'm here in Minneapolis preparing for the national competition and I honestly can't believe it.
I'm reminded of my setter last year, who would almost never set me. And the libero, who would yell and fuss at me every time I had to play next to her in the back row.... And I just feel so blessed because neither of their teams made it to nationals. Actually, I don't think any of the girls from my team last year are going to nationals... But here I am in Minneapolis, preparing for the national competition.
I thank God... Because this journey hasn't been pretty. It's been frustrating, challenging, and weary... But I made it. God brought my team and I here and I know He'll continue to stay with us while we play, win or lose. I'm so thankful.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Moving Through the Hurt

I found out yesterday that while my ex and I were together, he lied to me about his past...
Not necessarily lied, I guess, but he left out something huge. He neglected to tell me about an encounter with one of his ex-girlfriends.
My heart really hurts thinking about this right now and for the first time after learning about the incident, I'm crying... I guess that's good, right?
I just can't believe that he wouldn't tell me that.. Of all people, I was supposed to be the one closest to him.
And I've forgiven him, which is all through Christ's power working in me.. But I really really don't think I want anything to do with him anymore. My feelings are deeply hurt and I think I have the choice of whether or not he'll continue to be in my life..... So why don't I let him go?
It's the soul tie that he and I have created.. The one that I've been begging God to break. And if I'm praying that prayer then why can't I let go of it?
This guy lied to me. He hid a piece of his past from me and I'm not finding out until we've been broken up for more than half a year!
I think it really is time to move forward... Without him.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Senior Year: Complete

Wow... It's been a little while since I've posted, but I should let you all know that my year ended amazingly! Fantastically even! I ended up graduating summa cum laude ranking 12th in my class of 138 students; not the very best, but it was still a great accomplishment! I've decided to attend the University of Kansas in the fall and major in social work. I will not play on a college volleyball team, but I will tryout for KU's club team, so wish me luck! My 18s club team is going to Nationals in a couple of weeks, which is another major accomplishment! I had a super fun graduation party last week and tons of people came to support me..... To sum things up, my senior year may have started out rough and trudged along with a few minor hiccups, but everything ended up falling into place and I am much stronger because of the little hiccups.
Not only am I a stronger young lady, but I can really see God working in my life on me and on my peers. I feel as though I've never been closer to God than I am now and I'm attempting to better understand him and how he works..... I often find myself reviewing my life up to this point and how my relationship with Him as changed so much! I remember when I first became of aware of his beauty in about the 6th or 7th grade... That was when I first learned that it was necessary to have a relationship with Him.. And all I wanted to do was learn more about him and share him with others.. Now that I've been through some rough times I feel as though God has taught me that not only do I need a relationship with Him, but that relationship must be the most important one in my life! I just love how God's been talking to me lately and showing me how beautiful he is. This, by far, is the biggest and best accomplishment of the year...
And that ex, oh my. Well we've come quite a long way! We're still good friends and, after trying so hard to inwardly hold onto the romantic belief that we could one day be together again, we've decided (or God's decided for us, rather) that it's just best to let it go for now. I am sure that God has good plans for both of our lives, which gives me peace. And for that I am so grateful, because I know that that peace had to have come from God....
All in all I can honestly say that I am content with my life right now. God's just been doing some really great things with me and I can't wait to share that with the world!










Sunday, May 11, 2014

Dist..............Ance

So close yet so far.. That's exactly what you are
From your heart to my heart; it's both inches and miles apart
I can see you sitting across from me, a face that I once knew
And I see the true you from a distance. It's a more hazy view of you
The once beautiful image of you that I held is now smeared and somewhat tarnished
And I'm struggling to sort through this garbage.. But it's hard because I feel as though I'm sorting alone....
It's like I see YOU. You're the bright light at the end of the tunnel.
But this tunnel's so long.. And in it I can hear your faint echoes.. But it may just be best to move on...
Because that light is only a twinkling and that echo is only a whisper
And my ears and eyes are shutting in fear of hurt because you're neither bright nor loud enough....
And I doubt that you'll get louder just for me......
So must I stray and leave all thoughts of this where they stand? Or should I reached even further to grab ahold to your hand? Even though.. I'm not even sure if you're holding it out...
I could squint a little further and look all about,
but honestly I'm not sure if it's worth all the pout.....
Because the haziness that is there is all caused by my doubt...
And that haziness is pulling me further back from the tunnel
where your light still isn't bright enough for me to even see...
So I'll slowly recede until I no longer see that light
Or hear that echo.... Whispering faintly..... Come... Com-.. Co-.... C-....
So close yet so far.. That's exactly what you were.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

No Love Lost


Trying to study and focus and be studious but all I can focus on is the pain
I hate you, man. Don't you realize what you did?
How could you allow a friendship that I once held dear and thought you did too just fall to pieces
Not suddenly but gradually... And when I attempted to pick up the small pieces that I'd noticed lying there on the ground... You push them out of my fingtertips and say "leave them be.... There not worth keeping around"
So here I am all sad because I thought our friendship was real
I thought I could look up to you; at least that's how you made me feel
But you left and left me broken and without a role model to seek.
You turned your back on my offers, leaving me lonely, confused, and weak.
Now what have I got? I guess some memories that once meant something.. But now mean nothing to either of us.. I guess that's what happens when college strikes.

Monday, March 10, 2014

A Letter To God

God,
I'm trying so hard right now to meek and to choose my battles wisely. But I'm also reflecting on a very important relationship to me and it seems so one-sided. I feel as though I give so much love, encouragement, and just myself to him and he's giving me nothing back. How am I supposed to deal with that?
But then I remember how you've always given me your all, even when I didn't know that you were. And how when I did things to hurt you, you never shunned me for it. You didn't cast me to hell, although maybe you should have..... Help me to remember your kind of love today, so that I'm not going crazy over maltreatment.... Help me to realize that I'm no better and all the things that are being done to me, I've done to you and you still forgave me.
Plus, I owe you my life.
I love you, Lord. Help me to love your people too.
In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen...

A Letter to That Ex

Dear Freaking You,
You make me so sick and here's why: you're so thoughtless and careless sometimes that you just say things without considering the effect that your words have on people. For instance, you promised that we would hang out for spring break and then forgot to mention that you weren't even planning on coming home. Had you gone and left me hanging I would've been devastated! But you don't even realize that. And so I'm trying not to make a big deal about it and blow up at you for it but that's so hard to do because I have a lot of feelings. So here I am trying to be meek and choose my battles wisely, but that's tough because now my feelings are hurt. You neglect to text me to check in on me and maybe I shouldn't expect that; but I figure since we both supposedly care a lot about each other that you'd do that. But you don't and that hurts.
YOU SUCK AT BEING A FRIEND.
When I come to you with my problems seeking advice or just encouragement you give me nothing! And I always give you encouragement when you're down in the dumps. I talk you through the night when you're losing your mind even though I'm DOG TIRED from a long week, but you don't do the same for me. You're a terrible friend and I wish you would realize that and grow up. Maybe then you'd stop hurting my feelings so much.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Crap

I feel as though this is becoming a bit ridiculous. Why am I not over you yet?
Why do I still long to speak to you everyday?
Why do you cross my mind constantly throughout the day?
Why can't I stop comparing other guys to you?
Why haven't I gotten over you?
.......Maybe I need to be busier so that I can stop thinking so much about you and how much I miss you.
And the only song that's stuck in my head right now is "Wreck of the Day" by Anna Nalick....
For those who don't know, she's talking about a breakup.
Maybe. Maybe I just need another boy to focus on. In the past, after every breakup I'd just find someone new to focus on. I told myself that that someone new would be Christ this time.
But ya know, I'm human. And it's so hard to believe that God can take care of even my physical desires sometimes. I know he can, but I just have a hard time believing it.
I just feel so broken and alone and sad and shameful.
And remorseful and dreary and just about every other emotion that can be felt.
:-\
I would love it if you all prayed for me.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Appreciation

I appreciate the past that we shared and the appreciation that you showed me.
So much
And I miss it desperately.. Cause we all know that no one loves like you do