This is a blog of my life, feelings, and thoughts. It's mainly here for me to let out all of my emotions (I have a lot!). If you don't like some of the things I say in it, you don't have to read it. I do, however, like opposing viewpoints, so leave me a comment and let me know how you feel! Nothing that I say is the law, so feel free to disagree. I hope you like what you read and hopefully you can relate to some of the things that I say. Thanks so much for reading and God bless!
Just a random post because I randomly wanted to say how thankful I am.
The Lord is so kind to me and I don't understand why ever...
But he is and I accept. So many great things happened this semester and I'm totally undeserving of it all... But still the Lord gives to me. A verse that I recently read was Psalm 37:26. It reads, "He is ever lending generously, and his children become a blessing."
I'm just so thankful that the Lord is generous to me because now I can be a blessing to others. I felt the Lord say today that he wants me to volunteer over winter break... So that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna pour out the love that God has given me and be a blessing.
Today is the day--the last day of classes in the Fall semester of my sophomore year of college. My goodness, everyone! Can we just recap the year puh-lease?!?
The semester started off well... I remember having some apprehensions towards just about everything! My co-workers, my residents, living on The Hill, my classes! I remember just trusting that the Lord would take care of me through it all. And then, it wasn't even a scary thing! It was just beautiful and amazing! From the get-go I remember just feeling the Lord say that he's got me; that he would surround me with the people that I needed to be surrounded with and that I had no need to worry... It was fantastic!
So, mid-September got rough. One of my residents ended up trying to commit suicide and having to go back home. The exact same day as that happened, I was reconnected with an ex-"something" and that added so much stress that did not need to be in my life. I remember that night feeling so hopeless, helpless, and overall just like a terrible person. The enemy had attacked like crazy and I thought for sure I would break down... The next morning I got up super early though, and went to spend time with the Lord. And in my time with Him, I heard the Lord constantly saying "The joy of the Lord is your strength; the power that is in you is the same power that rose Christ from the dead; no, you can't handle this on your own, but you've already been equipped by the Holy Spirit to endure." SO MUCH RELIEF. The Lord is faithful, man.
I ended up walking right into temptation and sin with my ex-"whatever" and that had a huge effect on me, spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. It was and still is tough sometimes, just having those memories in my mind. But I soon after ended things with him (for like the third and final time). That is like one of the most difficult things to deal with this semester, but the Lord is faithful and he is good and I have life in him....
So, there's obviously been a whole lot more going on in my life but let's just recap the lessons that I've learned this semester....
1. Bear one another's burdens, but cast ALL your cares on him. I spent so much time being stressed about my residents, my co-workers, my friends, my classmates, AND my problems all at the same time.. But none of those problems are for me to fix. The Lord delights in taking on our burdens. He loves it when I, drained and exhausted, unload every single burden at his feet. His yoke is easy and his burden is light.... Dude, just unload!
2. The Lord delights in showing mercy! What the heck! He wants to LOVE ME through my sin!! OMG! That was a HUGE revelation to me just because I know that I don't at all deserve that. After sinning I feel disgusting, shameful, guilty, ugly, unholy, dishonorable, and the least deserving of love! But those feelings are simply the enemy trying to get me to run from God when the Lord wants me to run to him! It's literally insane the amount of love he has for us and I will never fully understand.
3. People are kind of sucky sometimes. It is what it is. I suck, you suck, he sucks, she sucks... But man, the Lord has grace! Grace beyond measure and, if he's willing to extend that grace to me, who the heck am I to withhold that from someone else? Grace has been hard this semester but, the more I ask Him for grace, the more grace I have to give. The Lord is so faithful, y'all!!
4. The Lord wants me to wait to date. And I'm okay with it cuz he knows what's good for me. So, until I turn 21, I am consecrating myself for the Lord. Just me and him for year 20 and it's gone be da bomb!
5. Some really wonderful opportunities came up this year, and I had to step down from my position on the executive board of IGV. It was honestly an easy decision to make but, once I had made it, I'd noticed that IGV was flourishing. I feel like the Lord has shown me that I'm not missing out on what he has for ME. He wants me to continue to run my race and the things that he has for me down the line will be there when he's ready for me to have them... So I will continue to trust in him.
Ugh. This entire semester I've just seen how kind the Lord is. Man, he put some really awesome people in my life and I can't even deny how grateful I am! I've been able to really connect with at least on person in all of my classes and it's just a blessing! To be blessed by wonderful people and to be able to be a blessing! Ha! I'm just freaking grateful. Today my heart is filled with so much peace, joy, and thankfulness.
I also decided that from today until January 1, 2016, I am not gonna be on social media. I want to prepare my heart and mind for this upcoming year and I have been saying for so long now that I need to get off of social media for a while. Well, Ima just do it! <3 nbsp="">
This post isn't gonna be lengthy at all because I just don't have the time to make it so. However, let's not be deceived into thinking that the topic of sex is one that is short and holds little weight. Cuz it's not.
BUT. I am, at this exact moment, listening to a sermon series by Andy Stanley entitled "Sex, Love, and Dating" and I just really feel the need to share some of these main points with you all:
Your past will show up in your future. What you are doing now will show up in your future. Therefore, do not be fooled into thinking that once you meet the "right person" one day that everything else will just fall into place. Life ain't like dat.
Sex is SO MUCH MORE than just a physical thing. Sexual sin is the only and deepest sin that you can commit against your very own body. And it's just deep and all that jazz.
Religion does not support fidelity. God does.
In sex, you are becoming one with someone. Sex with your spouse was created to reflect the intimacy and relationship that we should have with God.
Anyway, there's a lot more in the sermon that I am not adding on here but you should really check it out! And talk to the Lord about your own sex life... Past, present, and future! It's a beautiful and wonderful gift from the Lord and we must, as with all gifts, be good stewards of it!
Me pregunto si el maestro pueda saber cuando no le escucho. A veces este clase es muy aburrida y mi atención tiene dificultad en quedando aquí.....
Pues mi mente se distrae a otras lugares y mi concentración entra y sale una y otra vez....
Pero el problema no es que no me gusta español.... Me gusta muchísimo le lengua y quiero hablar cómo una profesional. Solo es la clase de español me hace querer golpear a mi cabeza por el escritorio y me sacar el pelo....
I walk out of my room in the morning and stand awaiting the elevator to stop at the 8th floor. A few others join me... "Oh my gosh, this elevator is soooooo slow", "Ugh, I wish my professor would cancel class", "Why do I have to be awake right now?"....
The elevator arrives. We join two others that have already boarded the shaft.
"I hate Mondays", "I hate everyday...", "I wish it were the weekend already", "I have way too much homework to do"....
My day persists. No big deal; I'm not gonna let a few grumps get me down! This day is mine and it's beautiful!
But when I get to class someone's sitting in my seat... So I start in.. "How dare that girl sit in MY seat. I sit there everyday. What was she thinking?!"
Now I've joined the bandwagon of complaining.. Bemoaning my very existence and lamenting my frustrations for the entire world to hear. I'm filling the air of my surroundings with negativity about a situation that is already out of my control... How selfish of me! How pessimistic. How rude.
I've just been so keen lately as to notice all of the sickening complaining of my peers. And it frustrates me to no end. Why, why, WHY do people complain so much about life?!
I'm gonna be totally honest; I used to be the same way, a total Negative Nancy blurting out my dissatisfactions for the world to hear. I didn't do it to be annoying; I just thought that if that's what I'm feeling, why try to hide it? I'm gonna be real about the way that I feel and the world is just gonna have to deal!
But here's what God's taught me over the years...
1. God is in control.
"Looks at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?"
Matthew 6:26-27
2. As believers, we are instructed to work cheerfully and diligently, without complaining of our tedious tasks because we're working for the Lord.
"Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ's return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless."
Philippians 2:14-17
3. God knows what the heck he doing.
"'Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell me, if you know so much. Who determined its dimensions and stretched out the surveying line? What supports its foundations, and who laid its cornerstone as the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?"
Job 38:4-7
To sum it all up, the Lord has shown me that, no matter how strange or weird or annoying life gets, he's in control. He knew what he was doing when he created the entire universe, so why should I worry now? He will take care of us. I must delight in him even when annoying things happen.
Welp, the year has begun, everyone! I'm a Residential Assistant at KU and life is going... I completely skipped out on posting about my Summer but, lemme tell ya.... It was GREAT! From start to finish God encountered my little heart so sweetly and I learned so much more about Him that it's crazy! (I'll make another post later that goes into more detail about my summer.) So now I'm facing my sophomore year of college. I'm an RA in the residence halls. I'm the vice-president of my gospel choir. And my heart is intently set on the Lord. I'm excited to see what He's gonna do in this season....
I learned in my freshman year of college that no matter what mistakes I make, God will continue to make my life all about Him. I'm forever thankful for that. This year, I just want to continue to find my identity in being His child. Titles can be so overwhelming and can completely consume us if we allow them to.
I just wanna go deeper, even when I can't see where I'm going... I just wanna go further, even when it feels like I'm at a standstill....
I just want more of You, Lord. God, bless this season of my life. I wanna see fruit like crazy! I want to love people that I would not otherwise love. I want to be challenged by you in new ways. I want to see your beauty in every aspect of my life. I want more. More of you, less of me. Conform me to your image. Fill me with your love. Show me your beauty.... I am yours! Do what you will <3 p="">
My heart just hurts.
My dear female friend who has been so back and forth in her faith is plummeting this time. And how can I help her? Pray, I guess. But my heart just hurts.
My male friend with whom I've been very involved was supposedly in the hospital close to death but how can I help him? Pray. Only when I've been worried sick I see that he's been on social media and I haven't heard a word from him.....
My heart hurts for caring. My heart hurts for humanity. My heart hurts for seemingly everything.... It just feels like one little cut can cause a whole world of bleeding. And I'm just gonna be honest right now because I'm sick of considering other people's feelings and caring about other people's hurts when hello..... I hurt too. Who's gonna listen to my hurt?
Do you even care that your actions hurt me too? I just hurt. Tremendously. I'm overwhelmed with hurt. It's so heavy that it's wearing me thin. It's so wild and unsettling that it's overtaking me.
My body is just full of hurt.
I think I just wanna be done with people. Forever.
Bloggeroos! It's been a minute, Tony Bennett! I'd be glad to update you!
So, it's Summertime! I ended the Spring semester of my freshman year with two B's and 4 A's! I also ended on good terms with my roommates and not-so-good terms with a couple of friends that I left behind. Although it was painful to see friendships end [and you know how I am with losing friends], I trust that God (ultimately) knows what He's doing. It hurts to have people removed from my life.. I tend to take things like that really hard but, I know that sometimes it's for the best. That being said, I will move on!
This Summer has begun with a fresh start! It's strange being home for the Summer as an adult without my mom being here at home. However, I'm sort of used to it by now, so it's not killing me. I'm working at a Summer program with kids and it's been fun so far! I'm barely working at Baskin-Robbins anymore, which is a blessing in so many ways! And I'm really just focusing on seeking God for EVERYTHING. I feel as though this Summer will either make or break me in my walk with Christ because I can either seek Him wholeheartedly all Summer, or I can slack off and let the world get the best of me. But I know that there is no greater love than the love that He has for me, so I'm holding on and taking it one day at a time...
Next Fall I'll be an RA in the dorms! I'm super excited about that! With that being said, I'll have a whole new load of responsibilities to take on and I'm slightly nervous about it. I do know, however, that I'll be working with a great group of people that care about the residents and some of them even love Jesus! So I won't be alone out there :)
I'm really excited about life right now... I'm happy with the lot I've been given or, at least, I am content with what I have. God's great in EVERY season of life! :):)
Hip-Hop in
modern-day America is filled with lines that spew profane language that brags
on the artists and glorifies wealth and fame. Lecrae Moore, however, has
recently topped Billboard charts with hip-hop music that is counter-cultural
and refreshing to the ears of its listeners. In contrast to the hedonistic
mainstream hip-hop music, Lecrae’s lyrics are filled with hope and present a lifestyle
that consists of prayer, humility and adoration of Jesus Christ, whom Lecrae
calls his Savior. In essence Lecrae’s rebellion is against the culture of
modern-day hip-hop and the culture of American society. In contrast to what is
popular in America, Lecrae’s music is focused on the impact of faith on his
life while simultaneously addressing common issues and misconceptions about the
Christian faith.
As Lecrae declares
in many of his songs, his main focus is to openly profess his faith to the world;
he shares this faith through rap, a passion that he’s had from an early age. In
Lecrae’s fifth album ‘Rehab: The Overdose’ (released in 2011), he reflects on his
previous rap career. In a song entitled ‘Chase That: Ambition’, Lecrae tells
about how he previously rapped about things similar to what mainstream artists
rap about today. He says that his main goal was to attain more money but the
money that he received never seemed to satisfy him. From his regenerated
mindset he says, “You can have the money and you can have the fame, but me I
want the glory; I’m living for the name. See life is just a picture; I see
outside the frame. I’m living for a kingdom that I ain’t never seen” (Moore).
This kingdom that Lecrae speaks about in the song is Heaven, which Lecrae
believes has more riches than are spoken of in secular hip-hop artists’ songs.
From Lecrae’s perspective, it is much more beneficial to live for those riches
than it is to live for the physical things in the world. Another song from his
2012 album ‘Church Clothes’ portrays more of Lecrae’s rebellion against
mainstream hip-hop. ‘My Whole Life Changed’ explicitly talks about the
difference between Lecrae and other artists. He professes, “I could rap about money and
cars and getting high but why? I let the rest of y’all pen that. Insecurity
brags and I’ve been that” (Moore). Being that Lecrae was once on the secular
side of hip-hop, he knows that the reasons for his bragging on himself stemmed
from insecurities in other areas of his life. Now that he finds treasure in
things that he believes are greater, he sees no need for bragging on his
material possessions. Not only does Lecrae openly express his rebellion against
hip-hop culture, but he also speaks from a position of understanding, and gives
hope to current mainstream hip-hop artists.
Lecrae’s music may
broadcast bold beliefs in Christianity but his lifestyle is one that provides
evidence to all of the claims made in his songs. The 2012 album ‘Church
Clothes’ features a song called ‘Sacrifice’, in which Lecrae talks about the
philanthropic work that he has done in his life. He says that instead of classifying
his music as Gospel Rap, it should actually be called a sacrifice because of
the way he has given up some of his own freedoms to share his faith with the
world. With heavy conviction Lecrae states,
I
took my girl from the Lone Star to Memphis Ten on them cold blocks. And what
you think we moved for? To see kids get killed in the school zone? To see crack
get sold? Bodies turned cold? What, you think I think that’s cool, bro? What
you think I went to school for? To turn around and move back to the hood? Na,
boy this what you call a sacrifice; this is bigger than me. It’s for a greater
good. (Moore)
The way that Lecrae vividly depicts
his lifestyle in his lyrics makes it clear that he’s not just rapping to gain
recognition from his peers; the message in his lyrics is something that he sees
as beneficial for everyone and he would sacrifice his own leisure to deliver
it. After his most recent album ‘Anomaly’ made the number 1 spot on Billboard
200 lists in September 2014 (Caulfield), Lecrae released a free single entitled
‘Non-Fiction’ that outlined his journey in the rap industry. He talks about his
experiences when he first incorporated his faith into his raps. He confesses,
“Was rappin’ in the hood and folks broke down cryin’. That’s when I knew this
was bigger than me and bigger than rhymin’” (Moore). This theme of Lecrae
selflessly sharing his faith with the world for the benefit of others is common
amongst his songs and sets Lecrae apart from many of the modern-day rap
artists.
One example of
Lecrae’s selflessness is seen in his release of two free mix-tapes entitled ‘Church
Clothes’ and ‘Church Clothes, Vol. 2’. The goal of these mix-tapes was to extend
his music to an audience of people that do not necessarily identify themselves
as Christians. In an interview with Adam Fleischer for XXL Magazine, Lecrae
commented on this album saying, “More than anything my message and my mission
has always been to give hope and inspiration and to see people transform”
(Fleischer). In an effort to obtain this goal, Lecrae spoke about various
Christian norms, while also addressing hypocrisy amongst Christians and the
association with getting dressed up for church services. One song from the
album, ‘Misconception’, specifically addresses false notions that are commonly
held about Christianity. He features artists from another Christian rap label—Humble
Beast—and each rapper talks about one misconception that they believe plagues
the Christian faith in society today. In Lecrae’s verse, he states that the
biggest mistake is that “…the world believes the Christian is foolish without
direction” (Moore). In a sense, Lecrae’s lyrics make him appear to be a
Christian apologetic in his attempts to defend his faith, a quality that is not
often seen in hip-hop culture. Instead, most rappers are heard defending their
identities in being drug dealers, womanizers, or millionaires. In the same
interview for XXL, Lecrae points out another misconception about the Christian
faith. “Everybody has this idea that, I gotta get dressed up or I gotta put on
my church clothes; this putting on of airs. People believe that I gotta put on
airs when it comes to dealing with God or dealing with Christians” (Fleischer).
Lecrae refutes this idea in numerous songs, stating that his faith allows
people to come as they are without the obligation of changing themselves. This
theme of being one’s true self also defies the norms in modern-day hip-hop
culture, where the majority of artists glorify wealth and riches while
demeaning those who do not have such resources.
Lecrae’s fan base
does not only consist of those who openly profess and practice Christianity,
but he has many fans and associates that are quite famous in the secular world.
DJ Don Canon, who is noted for working with secular artists from Yung Jeezy to
Ludacris, hosted his ‘Church Clothes’ mix-tapes. However, the aforementioned
artists have songs with titles such as ‘Thug Motivation 101’ and ‘Pussy
Poppin’; Lecrae’s songs have not a trace of profanity. His music also features
secular hip-hop artists such as B.o.B, Big K.R.I.T., Paul Wall, and Bun B and
rapper Kendrick Lamar is featured in Lecrae’s ‘Church Clothes’ music video (Figure 1). Famous
athletes also proclaim to be fans of Lecrae. An ESPN interview with Lecrae
reveals that Jeremy Lin views Lecrae as a mentor and even calls Lecrae his
favorite rapper (Zwerling). Other famous athletes associated with Lecrae
include Bubba Watson, Justin Forsett, Anthony Tolliver, and Nolan Smith. These
vast groups of celebrities, who already have a large impact on American youth only
contribute to Lecrae’s expansion.
Figure 2:
Lecrae's music video for the song "Church Clothes" begins with
various celebrities giving props to the Christian rapper. Lecrae
"Church Clothes" (Music Video). YouTube. YouTube, 2012.
Web. 6 May 2014.
Lecrae—along with
two other rappers on his record label, Tedashii and Trip Lee—also began a
movement in 2002 called the 116 Clique. The group was initially geared towards
modern-day youth who are unashamed of their faith and is based off of the Bible
verse Romans 1:16, which states “For I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Christ,
for it is the power of God unto salvation for all who believe…” The group of
rappers produces t-shirts, bumper-stickers, hats, and other apparel that
supports young people that are not ashamed of their faith (Figure 2). This
movement paved the way for a more culturally acceptable route in which youth could
be bold about their beliefs and publicly affirm and publicize their beliefs.
Knowing that this bold declaration of being unashamed for one’s beliefs would
set people apart, Lecrae makes sure that the young people that are ostracized
for their faith are not alone; this group is full of Christians professing their
faith and living lives that back it up as well.
Figure 2: Left to
right—Tedashii, Lecrae, Trip Lee, Sho Baraka. They are members of Reach Records
and pioneers of the 116 Clique Movement. Bonham, Chad. ‘A Conversation with
Christian Hip Hop Artist Lecrae.’ Belief
Net: Inspire Your Everyday. Belief Net, 2014. Web. 4 May 2015.
Lecrae Moore has
had an effect on a wide variety of people from secular rap artists to athlete,
all of which have influence on youth culture in America. His music, which
portrays a lifestyle that is contrary to the normal rapper, shows young people
that it is okay for them to be different and for them to be proud of their
beliefs and faith in Christ. He also gives defense for his Christian beliefs
while calling out some common misconceptions about the faith and even
explaining some of the Christian norms. Ultimately the impact that Lecrae’s
music has had influences the masses and, even more importantly, it influences
the youth, which are the future of America.
Am I? Am I really free?
Free from the bondage... Free from the chains... Free from this sin?
What does that even mean? What does it look like to be free?
It seems like I've been un-free for so long now that actually being free is quite inconceivable...
Like... What does it even look like for me to face temptation, oh so heavily, and yet be free. from. sin.
...
Is that even a thing nowadays? Because my surroundings would seem to say otherwise.
My surroundings would seem to say that sin has quite a grip on everyone!
Drinking, smoking, sex with whomever, selfish ambition, worldly "wisdom", and all the like...
And it's all the like that makes it sure seem like freedom doesn't even really truly exist.
I mean... Does it?
Am I free if I'm tempted every single day to slip off this pretty purity ring and slip into some shorts that show just enough to make you wonder....
Am I free if thoughts keep creeping into my head about what he looks like without apparel and why I'm still so much better than she is?...
What is freedom anyway? Cuz somedays.... I wonder if it even exists anymore.
Oh my gosh. My guts are gonna burst out onto the floor of my suite-style room at Margaret Amini Scholarship Hall..... And then they're just gonna be there for the next person who will live in this room to look at for their year of living here. It saddens me that my first year of college is coming to a close. Here's why:
I loooooooooooooooove living in Maggie! It's so convenient and wonderful and intimate and beautiful! I'm close to everything on campus and have the privilege of being able to eat (home-cooked meals, that is) all the freaking time! I've made some pretty cool friendships here. I live with all women, which is such a blessing. Everything here seems so wonderful! I love it here! I never want to leave.....
But I know that change is not only necessary, but also inevitable. *Sighs*. I really am excited for next fall. I'll be an RA at Ellsworth, which is super cool! I'll be living on the Hill finally with the rest of KU... I'll be enjoying the actual college experience. In a dorm. Lots of people. MEN.... Ugh. It'll be interesting, indeed. I'm nervous and excited all at once. I am also very happy about these changes; they'll certainly be good, whether they start off that way or not. I've just grown so comfortable living here with these wonderful, intelligent, diligent, persistent, amazing women....
I don't want to leave anymore. I like it here....
But I know that God goes with me wherever I go. I know that he's leading me and he knows his plans for my life even when I don't. I know that he's got great things in store for me, and for that I am excited. Just to see what God is going to do in this next section of my life... It's thrilling.
As humans, in order to understand things, we relate them to things which are more familiar to us. I've noticed that writers in the Bible often describe God and Heaven by relating them to things that are common to earth, however, they don't say that those things are exactly how God and Heaven are. In Revelation, John describes the 4 living creatures by comparing them to things that we see here on earth. But he simply could not tell us exactly what they were... Things in Heaven are simply indescribable! The only way we know how to describe those things (or anything for that matter) is by relating them to things that we actually have seen and experienced ourselves.
This has been on my mind a lot lately. I've heard people say before that God "shines like the sun". But that seems a bit backwards to me. If God created the earth and everything in it and created all things in his image, then wouldn't all things that he created reflect HIM? The Bible tells us that the earth and everything in it worships him.. So the son, being a reflection of God actually shines like God. Man! That blows my mind...
Sometimes I look at the sun and think about God... I can't even stare into the sun for more than maybe 5 seconds at a time because its brightness is painful! Could you imagine staring at the face of God?! People in the Bible couldn't even bear to stand in the presence of angels! Could you imagine what it would be like to stand in the presence of the one that created angels?!?!
I can't...
He blows my mind.
He rocks my world.
He flips my wig.
He drives me craaaaaaazy!
Just wanted to share these thoughts... They may be a bit illogical and all over the place. :)
God says that there's meaning in it all, right? Surely.. There's no way He'd hace me stressing over exams that only matter for a day and then it's over... If there were no meaning in it all.
Sometimes I have a hard time seeing that light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes there's way too much cloud for me to make out any of the silver lining.. Is there even a silver lining?
... Yes! ... Right?
I look all around me and see people just stressing. I've got this test, and this exam, and this quiz and so many papers. They trudge along as these big balls of pent-up stress. Anxiety, fear, anger at the lack of preparation.
Is this all that college is? Day by day, week by week, month by month, preparing for the next exam. Taking tests and writing papers. The monotony is debilitating!
But... God says there's meaning in it all.
And I'm not gonna pretend to know what that meaning is. Because honestly, I'm just learning to function on auto-pilot. Without emotions, without fears, without doubts, without much of anything... Except hope. Hope that God was right when he said that it's all meaningful.
Goodness... Just in my first year of college I have already learned so much! And it's not even over yet! I just feel the need to document all the things that I've learned and am learning this year in this journey as I go deeper and deeper with Christ and learn more about how to walk in the Spirit.
Man, so at the beginning of my first semester in college, I was in search for a church and campus ministry that would be my new home away from home... A place where I could be fed and nurtured in the Spirit with people that would love me and push my forward in truth. I'd visited a few different campus ministries then finally decided to settle in with the one at which the people reached out to me the most. After studying the bible (in a quite orthodox and uncomfortable way) with two women in that ministry for a couple of months, I soon realized that I actually did not share similar beliefs with this group and felt strongly that the Holy Spirit was leading me away from them... As terrifying as it was to cut ties with the women and ministry, I learned that in doing what God wanted me to do, God would always go with me. It took a lot of boldness and courage to walk away from the group and I know that it only came from God... So soon after I began to regularly attend a church called Antioch Community Church, where I felt that the worship and people were genuine, truly loved Jesus, and followed the Holy Spirit wherever He was leading!
I got plugged in to a LifeGroup where my small circle of believers felt like a small, intimate family in which I could worship freely and pour my heart out without being judged or criticized. I loved it! We had so few people at the beginning that it almost seemed awkward, but persistent prayer and really going deep with these people has taught me so much about the body of Christ and how God loves the Church! It's insane to see the growth that we've experienced from day 1 up to now. Anyway, I started to spend more and more time with the people at Antioch and watched as our community as a whole grew. However, outside of that community I struggled with maintaining sexual integrity and living a life that was totally surrendered to God. After feeling the shame of my actions, I had a crazy experience with God! At a bible study that I attend regularly, a guest speaker came and prayed for individuals (as she was led by the Holy Spirit) and shared with me something super powerful. In her prayer for me, she told me that I am God's daughter and even said that I was pure! Now this completely blew my mind considering what I had done earlier that week. That night I felt God telling me that I am covered by the blood of Christ and that, because of that, nothing I could ever do would change the way he feels about me. God loves me an incredible amount and that SOOOOOO blew my mind! Still does to this day because I am so unworthy... But for some reason, God thinks otherwise! After a lot of struggling and teetering back in forth with my actions, I was able to walk away from sin and give the entire situation to God! In that situation I experienced God's grace in such a new, big, clear, and bold way that I simply cannot deny it! God loves me so much and it's crazy!
After being freed of sexual sin, I began to feel that God was calling me to lead in a few different ways. However, I had so many fears of leading, mainly the responsibility of it all. I thought that there was no way I could lead people! Who the heck would even follow me and how could I be held accountable for the lives of other people?! That calling on my life frightened me, to say the least and I begged God to take that fear away. And he told me that he would do it by leading me through a 10-day Daniel Fast that I would endure with a girl from my church back home. Terrified, nervous, and not completely trusting of God, I started the fast. I knew that I could do all things through Christ, but didn't actually fully believe it. And during the 10 days of that fast, I learned so much about God!! First, I learned that God's ALWAYS there. In those seasons where you're seeking him and don't feel his presence AT ALL... He's there. Those times are meaningful to him and he values them so much!! For the first like 6 days of the fast I could not feel God's presence at all! So I started to think that maybe this fast was in vain... But God spoke to me through a friend and told me that although I can't see what's ahead, I'm going deeper with him; he's behind me and I have a body of believers surrounding me. I'm covered. Another thing that I learned from the fast is that if God ever calls me to do something, what he's really saying is "Trust me; I'm gonna do my work through you." God totally just wants to use us to get the glory out of certain situations! That fast brought me to realize that with God I can literally DO ALL THINGS. Fasts were terrifying before, but God did it. Through me. He overcame..... It was amazing.
And currently, I am just learning how to bear with other believers. Before coming to college, I'd never really been discipled or walked my journey towards Christ with anyone else. So doing it now is teaching me that people (myself included) are so flawed. We're inconsistent, flakey, weak, just flawed.. And dealing with other people's imperfections--namely believers--is so hard! But I know that the unity of the church is what leads the world to believe in Christ. And the enemy so wants to attack the body of Christ to prevent the world from knowing him! That's what motivates me to resolve any issues with believers. My pride always tells me that it's not even worth discussing.. But God is gracious and merciful, so I should be too!.......
My story is not even mine anymore, guys. It's really all what God is doing with me and I love it so much! I get so much joy out of being used by God so that He gets the glory!! Pray for me and that I'm able to submit to His will in my life... I just wanna keep relying on him as he writes His story on my life :):):)
Living in the wilderness, amongst a lack of understanding of who I really am and what I stand for... Can't I just open up my mouth and let you know? But no... Even then you won't get it. Andrea's just "really religious". She's like the new girl because "she's religious too..." Probably the most offensive statement I've heard in my life.
I've never heard anything more inaccurate in my life! Religion. Let's look at some of the world religions and what they all have in common. Good people. Be a good person. Then good things will happen to you. But that's not even how GOD operates! God loves us imperfect people in such a perfect way and doesn't even require us to be perfect ourselves! He doesn't ask us to be good people because, judged according to his standards, we'd NEVER be good people. We all freaking suck!
But he loves us so much and unconditionally and eternally and in ways that our brains can't even fathom. God loves us.
That's not religion. That's grace and power.
I just cannot live in the wilderness on my own. This fast probably could not come soon enough because I need Jesus and his spirit in me more than ever right now!
God, bring me through it!
It's been a really long time, bloggies. Like almost 3 months!! I realize that probably no one even reads these posts, and so I'm kinda just talking to the blog itself. And I'm cool with that.
I just really felt like today I need to recap.... I need to just pour out a lotta stuff in reflection of what's been going on in my life...
Let's see... Since we last spoke, I've experienced quite a bit. My first semester of college ended (on a solid note, I might add), I journeyed through the holidays with family and friends, I've started being discipled by a sweet and joyful woman at my church in Lawrence... Lots is happening and God is moving in weird and strange and wonderful and mysterious ways.....
Sometimes I just wanna pour out all of my freaking emotions on here but I'm afraid.. Because what if someone does read this? It's not even a fear of people knowing my struggles, but more so a fear of them misunderstanding them. I have no issues with people misunderstanding me when I tell them my struggles but when it's posted online I believe that's something totally different.
Anyhow, last semester ended on a strange note. I experienced so much of God's grace, as I am a deeply flawed human being. Aren't we all? Yeah... And I ended up doing things I'd never thought I'd do. I put myself in situations for which I'd once judged others.... And that's kind of been a theme in my life. Me judging people for doing things I'd never thought I'd do... Then I do it. Bam. Smack in the face, right?
Well I'm learning not to judge others anymore... But even more so, I'm learning how deep God's love is for me! Like I experienced... I actually FELT GOD saying that it doesn't even matter how badly I've messed up. He loves me like crazy and only sees me as his daughter--holy, righteous, and redeemed. And that blew my mind....
Right now. At this exact second I feel as though I wish God would show me more. I'm at a strange point in my walk with him, I think.. I feel like sometimes I can feel his presence and other times I can't. I feel like sometimes the people that he's placed in my life can relate to me and sometimes they just can't. I feel like I'm very alone but at he same time I feel like I'm more surrounded by people who love me and care about me and my walk with Christ than ever!
God values us all. There's something unique about every single person on this earth and what they contribute to the Kingdom is so very unique to that one person.
I just wanna go deep with someone. I wanna go so deep that I can tell someone everything I'm feeling and know that they'll get it! They'll understand what I'm talking about no matter what I say. Or they'll at least be able to relate in some way, shape, or form....
I keep thinking through decisions that I've made and will have to make and I'm just kind of stumped. Like I'm trying to figure it all out and it's just not working! And then I'm like "okay, God. So I can't figure this out.. I should ask you about it..." But then I'm afraid that I won't actually experience God's presence. That's scary, right?
I know that I love God a lot. More than anything else and more than anyone else.... My life revolves around him. I think that's all I know at this point. I can't really come to any other conclusions about the way things are or the way they should be...
That's all I got.
