Breakin My Heart

For me to care so much about this and you just piss all over that...

For me to give my heart and soul and might to this and you don't understand...

For me to love this above ALL ELSE so deeply and fully and you just defy it with everything inside you....

It hurts me so much to know that this God that I love and trust and hold so very dear is just nothing to you. He's this far away entity that you don't understand.

It breaks my heart everyday and makes it hard for me to even stand you.

It Was Just A Dream Just A Moment Ago...

I just settled into my hotel room in Minneapolis, Minnesota and all I can think about is how blessed I am... To have made it to nationals with my volleyball team, to have been accepted into the scholarship halls at KU, to have received about 5 different private scholarships..... I feel so blessed.
The main thing on my mind right now is the fact that in a few days my team and I will be fighting for a national championship title against some of the best teams in America! I honestly never thought that this was possible. I remember my junior year of high school attending my first power league tournament and not really knowing what that meant. Playing at power league gave your team a better chance of getting a bid to nationals, but my team junior year was not very cooperative. And I remember hearing my teammates that year talk about how their friends from other teams had already gotten bids for nationals and how our team didn't have a chance..... It sucked. But now I'm here in Minneapolis preparing for the national competition and I honestly can't believe it.
I'm reminded of my setter last year, who would almost never set me. And the libero, who would yell and fuss at me every time I had to play next to her in the back row.... And I just feel so blessed because neither of their teams made it to nationals. Actually, I don't think any of the girls from my team last year are going to nationals... But here I am in Minneapolis, preparing for the national competition.
I thank God... Because this journey hasn't been pretty. It's been frustrating, challenging, and weary... But I made it. God brought my team and I here and I know He'll continue to stay with us while we play, win or lose. I'm so thankful.

Moving Through the Hurt

I found out yesterday that while my ex and I were together, he lied to me about his past...
Not necessarily lied, I guess, but he left out something huge. He neglected to tell me about an encounter with one of his ex-girlfriends.
My heart really hurts thinking about this right now and for the first time after learning about the incident, I'm crying... I guess that's good, right?
I just can't believe that he wouldn't tell me that.. Of all people, I was supposed to be the one closest to him.
And I've forgiven him, which is all through Christ's power working in me.. But I really really don't think I want anything to do with him anymore. My feelings are deeply hurt and I think I have the choice of whether or not he'll continue to be in my life..... So why don't I let him go?
It's the soul tie that he and I have created.. The one that I've been begging God to break. And if I'm praying that prayer then why can't I let go of it?
This guy lied to me. He hid a piece of his past from me and I'm not finding out until we've been broken up for more than half a year!
I think it really is time to move forward... Without him.

Senior Year: Complete

Wow... It's been a little while since I've posted, but I should let you all know that my year ended amazingly! Fantastically even! I ended up graduating summa cum laude ranking 12th in my class of 138 students; not the very best, but it was still a great accomplishment! I've decided to attend the University of Kansas in the fall and major in social work. I will not play on a college volleyball team, but I will tryout for KU's club team, so wish me luck! My 18s club team is going to Nationals in a couple of weeks, which is another major accomplishment! I had a super fun graduation party last week and tons of people came to support me..... To sum things up, my senior year may have started out rough and trudged along with a few minor hiccups, but everything ended up falling into place and I am much stronger because of the little hiccups.
Not only am I a stronger young lady, but I can really see God working in my life on me and on my peers. I feel as though I've never been closer to God than I am now and I'm attempting to better understand him and how he works..... I often find myself reviewing my life up to this point and how my relationship with Him as changed so much! I remember when I first became of aware of his beauty in about the 6th or 7th grade... That was when I first learned that it was necessary to have a relationship with Him.. And all I wanted to do was learn more about him and share him with others.. Now that I've been through some rough times I feel as though God has taught me that not only do I need a relationship with Him, but that relationship must be the most important one in my life! I just love how God's been talking to me lately and showing me how beautiful he is. This, by far, is the biggest and best accomplishment of the year...
And that ex, oh my. Well we've come quite a long way! We're still good friends and, after trying so hard to inwardly hold onto the romantic belief that we could one day be together again, we've decided (or God's decided for us, rather) that it's just best to let it go for now. I am sure that God has good plans for both of our lives, which gives me peace. And for that I am so grateful, because I know that that peace had to have come from God....
All in all I can honestly say that I am content with my life right now. God's just been doing some really great things with me and I can't wait to share that with the world!