Monday, November 12, 2018

Josh Died

"Joshua was killed in a car accident this morning..."
"What?!"
And then it all went blank. It hurts, and I never thought I could hurt like this before.

Thursday, September 13, 2018

I don't feel my writing juices flowing at the moment, but I still feel the need to write. I need to reflect, I need to express, I need need NEED to pour out everything that's inside of me and to just update my blog for future reflection purposes. So assuming that my juices will not magically turn on anytime soon, I will give you all a brief overview of what's happening in my life.

I am in grad school at KU. I am no longer an RA, and I currently live with a couple that attends our church in Lawrence. They've been super kind and very helpful for me, and until Andrew and I get married, that's where I'll be! However, Andrew and I are renting an apartment that's in Lawrence and he's living there now with our good friend Jackee! Jackee is living there until she leaves for an internship overseas... Honestly, having both of them in that apartment has been so joyous for me, as I love both of them a lot. Not only that, but they were some of my closest friends freshman year, so it almost feels very full circle that we are all kind of having this experience together.

It's lit.

My classes in grad school are ... coming along. Over the summer I took two classes--a practice seminar and a crisis intervention course. The former was taught by a Black Muslim woman, and the former was taught by a woke as hell White woman who's in a queer relationship with a Black person. The summer was wonderful with regards to classes. To compare my classmates and instructors to the ones that I'd had during my final year of undergrad, these people were way more woke and way more vocal about injustices for marginalized groups. And that sounds befitting, right? Because it's a master's program for social work.... But this Fall semester has been quite the shift.. Actually it just feels very similar to my experience in that last year of undergrad--full of ignorant White women that come from wealthy families and want to either work in foster care or become owners of their own private practices. So uhh... I guess I don't even need to say that so far, ya girl's been strugglin.

My experience in my classes is nothing new, of course, but after being exposed to so much woke Whiteness within the last year and a half, I just think that it'd be silly to settle for any less. The woke Whiteness that I'm mainly referencing here is about my pastor at our church! The church that Andrew has begun to pastor at, to be specific. At our church, Andrew is the youth and college pastor, while our lead pastor is a White dude in his 40s who is like so woke and so bold about it. It seems like almost every Sunday our pastor uses the platform that he has to challenge the forces of Whiteness. And he's honest and gracious in exposing the idols of nationalism that exist in our nation and within the Church here in the U.S. It's uhh pretty novel and extremely refreshing and so encouraging. Hearing our pastor openly rebuke White people with courage and kindness encourages me to go on another day... It emboldens me to do the same and advocate with pride for people that look like me that maybe do not have the same platforms as I.

It's also lit.

Andrew and I are engaged and preparing for our wedding in December. Can you even believe it?! I'm extremely excited and ready to be this man's wife. And I'm ready to freaking start our lives together. To an extent, it feels like we've already started our lives since we have the apartment and have already prepped major items for the big day.... But when it actually becomes reality, I will be so so glad.

We struggle, yall. Real talk. Like we argue almost everyday (but that's not anything new) and we learn more and more the intricacies that make each of us who we are. Sometimes we do and say things that are so wounding and painful, and we end up having to apologize and repair... I feel like in this season we're getting closer and closer to one another and falling deeper and deeper in love as we hold onto one another and onto God as the only one that can love us perfectly. And the process overall is just challenging. It's painful, and seeing my own reflection is painful. Coming to terms with my own flaws has been so painful and sometimes unsettling. But I think that we continue to prove to ourselves and each other that there's no level of perfection or morality that must be reached in order to get married. I think church culture can convince of that, and it's really very untrue.

I don't know how to describe my headspace right now in this season. I think I'm just pushing through and trying to enjoy the moments. This season feels very tense because in almost every aspect of my life, I'm located in a space that's very temporary. Grad school is temporary, living with the couple from church is temporary, and being engaged to Andrew is temporary. I've always liked to believe that knowing an eternal God on a personal level would be comforting in the midst of fleeting circumstances.

So uhh I guess that's it.

Thursday, August 16, 2018

Damn. An Outpouring of My Heart in Response to Lisa Sharon Harper

God, Lord. Jesus, my King. God, my Father. Holy Spirit, my helper. I need this time and this space to hear from you, to seek you, to know you. To be restored in you....


God, I've come to the realization that you've been pruning and digging in me to reshape and decolonize my theology and faith in you. After hearing Lisa Sharon Harper's theological exegesis, I know that there is hope! Praise you, Lord, that there is hope!! I've felt for so long that I had been doing things the wrong way.. I had been reading the scripture through Western individualistic lenses and seeing my errors but not knowing how to correct my vision.

God, only YOU could give me new eyes and a new heart and a fresh perspective on your Word. You, through your Holy Spirit, empower me to see! God, there is most certainly a very intimate relationship between you and I. And it is through that intimacy that you whisper in my ear the subjects that are pressed so deeply into your heart. For so long I have wondered how we could so blindly only see one way of worshipping and communing with you. I have felt the weight of hopelessness and pressure to "get it right". But God.... Your desire was never for me to get it right, and I thank you for showing me that over the years. Your desire, however, is and always has been to restore the shalom between each and every one of us.

God. YOU CARE ABOUT THE BROKENNESS BETWEEN THE RACES. YOU CARE ABOUT THE WALLS OF HOSTILITY THAT STILL EXIST IN OUR SOCIETY TODAY. God, and your desire has always been and forever will be to restore shalom within us.

God, seeking restoration of shalom takes hella courage. It requires a humility that is fervent, an understanding of my sins and the impact of them. They destroy right relationship between myself and I, myself and you, and myself and the world. When the burden of those who have been wronged is to forgive, the responsibility of the wrong-doer is to repent. And to repent requires reparation and restitution.

Lord, teach me. From the abundance of your riches and glory, from the everlasting and never-ending depths of your wisdom by just being who you are, from the depths of your holiness, Father..... Help me. This is a re-igniting of my faith, for sure. And Lord, I want to be in love with you forever. I want to wake up every morning and feel your presence, be awakened in your mercy, and be empowered to see the spiritual realm on a larger scale than how it solely impacts me.

Help me, Father. You have called me to much much higher. Thank you.

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

A Change

The summer winds down, classes come to an close, babysitting is almost reaching its end... And with these endings slowing drawing near, some beginnings are coming to shore as well....

I'll be living with a family from our church starting tomorrow. I'll begin my second semester of grad school in about 19 days. Andrew and I will be getting married in a little over 150 days. And we'll be living together when that happens. Until then, he'll be living in our new apartment in Lawrence.... Man, am I so nervous.

Everything is changing again, and it's so daunting for me. I remember the last time I had a major change like this was four years ago when I had moved into my college scholarship hall. It was my first time having roommates, my first time living away from home for more than a week, my first time being away from home as a somewhat adult. But now things are much different. I'll be living with a man, and that man will be my husband. We'll be sharing money, a car, a home, a space, and our entire lives with each other.... That's more than I've ever had to share before, and I haven't really had to share much!

I feel anxious and nervous and excited and a ton of other emotions.

And I honestly can't even deny the immense sorrow that I am feeling for my family. As time goes on, I begin to see more and more damage that has been done and unresolved in the past. It hurts. And confronting it hurts even more. I believe that I am doing the right thing here. I believe that I am making the right steps forward. I believe that I have been truthful and honest in pursuing reconciliation. And it hurts when reconciliation does not come; it hurts when people want to put band-aids on problems instead of resolving them....

But what am I to do? Continue in that cycle when I know that it will only cause more hurt and damage in the future? :(

God, if this is what you would have me to do, I need you to tell me. Affirm me in this fight because it's hard and it hurts. I need your grace and wisdom and love everyday. Help me, Lord.

Thursday, July 5, 2018

7/4/2018

I made it past half of the year.. Or should I say "we" made it? And it feels as though I'm barely alive. I grasp for something to hold onto and a small peace of mind to reflect on what's happened so far... And overall it just feels so fast.

What progress have I made? That's the real question here... What measurable growth have I observed? Well, I started going to therapy. I see a woman who works on campus (for $15, I might add), and have begun the process of better managing my emotions. With the help of some really good friends, I've been able to identify that my struggle has not just been an emotional battle, but most definitely a spiritual one and, after asking the Lord to show me things happening at a spiritual level, you'd think I'd appreciate his response... Lol I guess I just didn't expect it to look like this.

So, this morning, July 5, 2018 at 4:13am, I am sitting with some thoughts that I'd like to pen down. The first is this: where am I at spiritually in this situation with my grandma?

Here are some thoughts that are guiding my reflection... I've recently come to this realization that a mastery of my emotions is going to be much deeper and require much more of me than just controlling my thoughts and centering my feelings. It takes some self-examination, some true knowledge of the scriptures (because the Word is the mirror to my soul), and honestly some power and help from the Holy Spirit to change. And I think that at this point in my life, working towards these things and praying fervently for these things is one of the most revolutionary things that I can do...

I think that my life is really marked with a calling to break cycles, and some of the current cycles that I feel called to breaking are familial, personal, generational, relational, systemic... And damn, I think I realize more and more each day my inability to do that by myself (i.e., without the Lord's help....).

I think that the Lord has given me tools and support to continue in this fight. I can identify those: my friends with whom I can share these struggles, my fiancee, my new mentor, my older sister, and my new therapist; the Holy Spirit, who helps and empowers and teaches me; my Savior Jesus, who shows the way and embraces me; and my Father God, who hears me and moves on my behalf....

I guess the point is that I am equipped. I have the resources, the power, the strength... The only question left is whether or not I will make use of them.

Sunday, June 3, 2018

4/13/2018

Senioritis is real, and people hurt people.

I don't really know what's worse: the fact that my grandma hasn't spoken to me since Christmas, or my mom continually making excuses for my grandma's actions. But all of it hurts...

At this point I don't even think I have words to describe my frustrations... It just hurts. I go back and forth in my mind, heart, and spirit about what's best--whether to keep my distance or to call my grandma. I feel as though keeping my distance is allowing pride to control me. But I also believe that calling her would only give her the impression that I am willing to subject myself to the grotesque way in which she treats people. And I am not.

So maybe... Maybe that's the answer. But why does every answer make me feel yucky? I just know that... I want so desperately to break cycles within my family. And within the family that Andrew and I are starting, I must break cycles. We must break cycles together. The cycle of toxic mother-daughter relationships ends with me. The cycle of favoritism ends with me. The cycle of mental health negligence ends with me. The cycle of poor coping skills, the myth of the StrongBlackWoman, pride, and idolizing work, school, and my mother ends with me. Point blank.

But getting there is hard. I need guidance in so many ways... I need discipleship and leading, and I'd prefer that be done by woman of color. And I pray that one day God will bring me that..

I just... Wanted to get out some thoughts... The pain is real. But God is too and I've seen him heal me of deep wounds in the past. So do I really trust him? Yes. Is it hard? Absolutely... God, take all of me! I give you my trust and faith, and ask that you help my unbelief! You are King. You are Ruler, you are sovereign. You are mighty. You are healer, provider, honestly..... You are way-maker.

Monday, April 2, 2018

El Mes de Marzo

We saw Black Panther for a second time exactly a week after seeing it for the first time.
We went on a double date with a couple of friends; went bowling and ate at Chili's.
We relaxed together... We enjoyed days off, and rested in each other's arms....
We went to California for Spring Break.... I met Andrew's parents, best friend, and former disciplers.... And 5 days into the trip, Andrew asked me to marry him. It was beautiful and sweet, and of course I said yes!


But I also went with a group of high school girls to get prom dresses (that were all free!), and I got a graduation dress for free too!

And I modeled for Johana's project then spent some time with Jackee, Lauren, and Johana for a little bit....
I confronted some tension between a former friend and I.. It was strange because I'd felt betrayed, and did not believe that her reasons for why she'd done what she'd done were sufficient. And I really liked this girl, so it sucked.
I also confronted some of the tension between my mom, my sister, and I. I told my mom outright that she obviously favors me and that it's wrong. I told her that it makes me not want to interact with her, and that it's unfair. My mom ignored me.
I pointed out specific instances when they happened and still... My mom ignored me.

My eyes have been opened to a lot. My heart is broken in a lot of ways. But simultaneously I feel emboldened to tell the truth... To "speak the truth to power", and that's a new thing. It feels like more of my persona now. And I don't know if that's good or bad.

Now we're planning an engagement party, a graduation party, and a wedding. Time flies.

And life is happening right before our eyes. My heart is almost racing right now. And it's simultaneously heavy with excitement, fear, and bewilderment....

What is to come? It makes me nervous. What is to come...

Wednesday, February 28, 2018

What Is Life Even

Life is bitter freaking sweet.

Within a week... One week. I was accepted into the grad program for which I applied, and notified of my acceptance into a huuuuuge scholarship program at my university... And my boyfriend was unjustly removed from his position of leadership in our schools student government... by people that we considered genuine friends, at that. So while I was on a high from this exciting news, my babe was at a low from being betrayed, humiliated, and completely caught off guard by these attacks....

And through it all we're sifting through the emotions, pressing through the pain, celebrating the accomplishments.. But it gave me a reality check, to be honest. Because I lived a relatively privileged life with everything I could possibly need and want, I got into the routine of having things my way... Enjoying everyday of life as though the world were on my side 90% of the time... But I'm learning that life isn't always so sweet...

Family members use words that cut deep, friends rally against us without understanding, and jobs come and go right when we think we're on the cusp of accomplishing something great... And it hurts. While all of this goes on, we make major accomplishments, celebrate huge victories, and plan with excitement for what lays ahead... There's such a mix between bitter and sweet that you just really have to take life as it comes....

And embrace the Lord in every moment. Reflect on your emotions and lessons learned, and heal along the journey. Advocate for yourself and for others and pray so so much for the humility and wisdom to do it right... That's at least what February's been for me.

And I'm just reflecting for self-care. <3

Thursday, January 18, 2018

Stream of tears Consciousness

I don't have all the words, yet I still wish to create poetry
I wish my words could mean something but I don't think they do
And I really feel that they don't
But what the hell am I actually feeling?
Cuz I am feeling like everything is wrong, but at the same time I can't put my finger on one specific thing
Except two days ago I was talking with the guys on my floor. They started randomly talking about how many Black people attended their high school. They talked about the privileged people with whom they attended school, but only 13 of those kids were Black. They talked about how they lived in a Suburb, so that's probably why. And I felt disgusting. So disgusting that today when I came in and one of them complimented my hair, I no longer felt special or admirable. I just felt like shit.
Like... My hair is different. That was my exact thought when the masseuse was rubbing my jawline to work out the knots. His hands slowly moved across the back of my head, and I tensed up immediately thinking "Oh no. My hair is different. He's probably never touched a Black girl's hair before."
That too felt like shit.
I heard on a podcast once that "White supremacy is the normalizing of Whiteness." That shit stuck
And the more I learn, the more I can see it... The more I can see why "my hair is different"
The more I can see why it's a huge deal that Wyatt went to high school with five Black people, and Jacob's suburban high school only had thirteen.
That's why every time "my hair is different" they feel the need to comment on it. Like I'm a fucking circus animal. Or like I'm a zoo pet.
Shit. That's why people that I consider to be good fucking White friends pet my head when they see my afro.
I can't hate White people because Jesus loves me in all of my sinful ignorance. Shit.
And as much as it hurts me to be objectified and stereotyped and marginalized and othered, Jesus gets it.

And it hurts like hell, dude. I'm so sick of fucking Whiteness.