Sunday, June 3, 2018

4/13/2018

Senioritis is real, and people hurt people.

I don't really know what's worse: the fact that my grandma hasn't spoken to me since Christmas, or my mom continually making excuses for my grandma's actions. But all of it hurts...

At this point I don't even think I have words to describe my frustrations... It just hurts. I go back and forth in my mind, heart, and spirit about what's best--whether to keep my distance or to call my grandma. I feel as though keeping my distance is allowing pride to control me. But I also believe that calling her would only give her the impression that I am willing to subject myself to the grotesque way in which she treats people. And I am not.

So maybe... Maybe that's the answer. But why does every answer make me feel yucky? I just know that... I want so desperately to break cycles within my family. And within the family that Andrew and I are starting, I must break cycles. We must break cycles together. The cycle of toxic mother-daughter relationships ends with me. The cycle of favoritism ends with me. The cycle of mental health negligence ends with me. The cycle of poor coping skills, the myth of the StrongBlackWoman, pride, and idolizing work, school, and my mother ends with me. Point blank.

But getting there is hard. I need guidance in so many ways... I need discipleship and leading, and I'd prefer that be done by woman of color. And I pray that one day God will bring me that..

I just... Wanted to get out some thoughts... The pain is real. But God is too and I've seen him heal me of deep wounds in the past. So do I really trust him? Yes. Is it hard? Absolutely... God, take all of me! I give you my trust and faith, and ask that you help my unbelief! You are King. You are Ruler, you are sovereign. You are mighty. You are healer, provider, honestly..... You are way-maker.

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