7/4/2018

I made it past half of the year.. Or should I say "we" made it? And it feels as though I'm barely alive. I grasp for something to hold onto and a small peace of mind to reflect on what's happened so far... And overall it just feels so fast.

What progress have I made? That's the real question here... What measurable growth have I observed? Well, I started going to therapy. I see a woman who works on campus (for $15, I might add), and have begun the process of better managing my emotions. With the help of some really good friends, I've been able to identify that my struggle has not just been an emotional battle, but most definitely a spiritual one and, after asking the Lord to show me things happening at a spiritual level, you'd think I'd appreciate his response... Lol I guess I just didn't expect it to look like this.

So, this morning, July 5, 2018 at 4:13am, I am sitting with some thoughts that I'd like to pen down. The first is this: where am I at spiritually in this situation with my grandma?

Here are some thoughts that are guiding my reflection... I've recently come to this realization that a mastery of my emotions is going to be much deeper and require much more of me than just controlling my thoughts and centering my feelings. It takes some self-examination, some true knowledge of the scriptures (because the Word is the mirror to my soul), and honestly some power and help from the Holy Spirit to change. And I think that at this point in my life, working towards these things and praying fervently for these things is one of the most revolutionary things that I can do...

I think that my life is really marked with a calling to break cycles, and some of the current cycles that I feel called to breaking are familial, personal, generational, relational, systemic... And damn, I think I realize more and more each day my inability to do that by myself (i.e., without the Lord's help....).

I think that the Lord has given me tools and support to continue in this fight. I can identify those: my friends with whom I can share these struggles, my fiancee, my new mentor, my older sister, and my new therapist; the Holy Spirit, who helps and empowers and teaches me; my Savior Jesus, who shows the way and embraces me; and my Father God, who hears me and moves on my behalf....

I guess the point is that I am equipped. I have the resources, the power, the strength... The only question left is whether or not I will make use of them.