Damn. An Outpouring of My Heart in Response to Lisa Sharon Harper

God, Lord. Jesus, my King. God, my Father. Holy Spirit, my helper. I need this time and this space to hear from you, to seek you, to know you. To be restored in you....


God, I've come to the realization that you've been pruning and digging in me to reshape and decolonize my theology and faith in you. After hearing Lisa Sharon Harper's theological exegesis, I know that there is hope! Praise you, Lord, that there is hope!! I've felt for so long that I had been doing things the wrong way.. I had been reading the scripture through Western individualistic lenses and seeing my errors but not knowing how to correct my vision.

God, only YOU could give me new eyes and a new heart and a fresh perspective on your Word. You, through your Holy Spirit, empower me to see! God, there is most certainly a very intimate relationship between you and I. And it is through that intimacy that you whisper in my ear the subjects that are pressed so deeply into your heart. For so long I have wondered how we could so blindly only see one way of worshipping and communing with you. I have felt the weight of hopelessness and pressure to "get it right". But God.... Your desire was never for me to get it right, and I thank you for showing me that over the years. Your desire, however, is and always has been to restore the shalom between each and every one of us.

God. YOU CARE ABOUT THE BROKENNESS BETWEEN THE RACES. YOU CARE ABOUT THE WALLS OF HOSTILITY THAT STILL EXIST IN OUR SOCIETY TODAY. God, and your desire has always been and forever will be to restore shalom within us.

God, seeking restoration of shalom takes hella courage. It requires a humility that is fervent, an understanding of my sins and the impact of them. They destroy right relationship between myself and I, myself and you, and myself and the world. When the burden of those who have been wronged is to forgive, the responsibility of the wrong-doer is to repent. And to repent requires reparation and restitution.

Lord, teach me. From the abundance of your riches and glory, from the everlasting and never-ending depths of your wisdom by just being who you are, from the depths of your holiness, Father..... Help me. This is a re-igniting of my faith, for sure. And Lord, I want to be in love with you forever. I want to wake up every morning and feel your presence, be awakened in your mercy, and be empowered to see the spiritual realm on a larger scale than how it solely impacts me.

Help me, Father. You have called me to much much higher. Thank you.

A Change

The summer winds down, classes come to an close, babysitting is almost reaching its end... And with these endings slowing drawing near, some beginnings are coming to shore as well....

I'll be living with a family from our church starting tomorrow. I'll begin my second semester of grad school in about 19 days. Andrew and I will be getting married in a little over 150 days. And we'll be living together when that happens. Until then, he'll be living in our new apartment in Lawrence.... Man, am I so nervous.

Everything is changing again, and it's so daunting for me. I remember the last time I had a major change like this was four years ago when I had moved into my college scholarship hall. It was my first time having roommates, my first time living away from home for more than a week, my first time being away from home as a somewhat adult. But now things are much different. I'll be living with a man, and that man will be my husband. We'll be sharing money, a car, a home, a space, and our entire lives with each other.... That's more than I've ever had to share before, and I haven't really had to share much!

I feel anxious and nervous and excited and a ton of other emotions.

And I honestly can't even deny the immense sorrow that I am feeling for my family. As time goes on, I begin to see more and more damage that has been done and unresolved in the past. It hurts. And confronting it hurts even more. I believe that I am doing the right thing here. I believe that I am making the right steps forward. I believe that I have been truthful and honest in pursuing reconciliation. And it hurts when reconciliation does not come; it hurts when people want to put band-aids on problems instead of resolving them....

But what am I to do? Continue in that cycle when I know that it will only cause more hurt and damage in the future? :(

God, if this is what you would have me to do, I need you to tell me. Affirm me in this fight because it's hard and it hurts. I need your grace and wisdom and love everyday. Help me, Lord.