A Matter of Trust... And All the Other Emotions That I'm Emoting

I'm making a list of all the things I must address in this post:
1. Boys and crap
2. Churches and doctrines and baptism and God
3. Life
4. Investments
5. Money


Boys.... My goodness. I'm just sick of boys. Simple as that. I've always been cynical of guys. I think the only guy that I wasn't cynical about was my ex and welp, he just was... I don't even know. But now it's like, when I finally decided to stop focusing so much when I was gonnna find the true love of my life, now there are so many freaking options. But I don't even wanna think about it anymore because I'm really so wrapped up in God. I don't know. I read a status on Facebook today that said that not all opportunities come from God. They may look good, but you must always follow the will and guidance of God. And that's scary because now I don't even know if I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me....... *Sighs* Boys just are too much for me. I don't want to have to worry about anyone else right now and that is a genuine statement. And also a pretty crazy one because a couple of months ago, I was just so ready for whoever God would send to me...... God, give me peace and lead me in the right direction. I don't want to be with anyone or do anything that you won't approve of. I love YOU above everything else. You're the love of my life and not just until I find someone else to be the object of my affection. It's all you, God. All day.
Churches and crap. So I've been goin to Simple Truth, the campus ministry at KU, right? And I knew (since last year when I found this out from my ex) that they believed that in order to receive salvation, you must be baptized. And this completely went against what I believed a year ago and it still does go against what I believe. However, all the Bible verses that they showed me kind of said that explicitly. So I'm at a loss. I don't know what to believe. I don't know what to think. I'm just freakin confused is what I am. So there's that. But, my church in Lawrence, Antioch Community Church, is lead by the Holy Spirit, and you can see that in the fruits that they produce. You can see it in the way that they are lead by God to do tremendous things. And on that note, I've realized how extremely scary the will of God is. Like, God so requires EVERYTHING in us and that's just the scariest thing ever to me. I feel like God's just gonna show me things that I'm holding onto and be like "uhn uh. Gotta let that go." And then he's gonna be like "okay, I want you to go here and do this." And do you realize that when God calls you to do something YOU KINDA HAVE TO DO IT?!? It's the scariest thing I've ever had to face and I haven't really faced much yet. Just the thought alone is scary. God, take over. I'm giving you all my fears right here, right now. I know that you are gonna get the glory out of everything, whether or not I'm on board. But God, I really do wanna live recklessly for you! I want to do your will and spread your love and proclaim your name everywhere that I go and to everyone I encounter. Help me, God, to be obedient when you call me. Help me to follow you and walk by faith..... Thank you.
Life..... Dude, I'm just like a really emotional person. Last night, I couldn't sleep and so I went through all my text messages with my ex and looked through his Facebook and his Twitter and I'm just like dang..... Like it was so perfect. And to admit that I still believe that sometimes is quite painful. It's so hard to really let go of it all.... STILL. Like It's been over a year and we were so close for so much longer than that. I just feel so empty sometimes because I put SO MUCH into that relationship. It just seems like it was all in vain. And it hurts and it upsets me that I even went through it all...... God, here's my freakin pain. The stuff that I know I can't deal with on my own. Alone I'm just weak. I'm so weak and I really need you right now. I'm trying to make decisions on what to do with my life and where to go, who to spend time with.... God, I need you to be the only person I'm trying to please and I need your glory to be my only goal....... Fill me up with your love so that I don't have to seek it anywhere else. Keep preparing me for the man you have for me.... I have no idea who he is or what you're doing with him, but prepare him too. So that when it is time for me to submit to him, he'll be submitting to you. Ughhhhhh....
Investments. God, I love my roommates. They're wonderful. I love the women of Simple Truth. I love the people at Antioch and I love the people at IGV. The thing is.... I can't completely invest in all those people. It's not happening because in order to really invest, I'd have to spend a lot of time with those people and there's only so much time in a freaking day! I'm just not tryna have half-hearted relationships with people in my life, God. I need to be poured into and to pour into others alike. I need to really just get with some people that I really connect with and share my life with them..... Right, God????? Or nah? Just help me.
And money really ain't even an issue. Thank you, God.

Making An Investment

God's really been showing me lately that I need to make some serious investments in some of the people here at KU. However, I've found myself at odds because I really don't know which specific people God wants me to really pour into. There are so many groups on campus (which I learned within my first couple of weeks of being here) and it's hard to really invest in one group of people when you're associated with so many.
I know for sure God's poured into me a ton already this year and I need to be pouring all of that love and grace back out....
But where, God? I want to make sure that you're getting the glory out of everything that I do, so that none of it is in vain..... That being said, I ask that you take the lead.... Take control of my life and stop me from trying to see everything and lean into my own understanding.

My life is yours, God. Take over and lead me to the people that you want me to invest in.....

Amen.

We All Want It

All women want this one thing: to be validated by a man so that our self-confidence (whether great or small) can be affirmed. This may not be and is more than likely not the ONLY thing that a lot of women want, but I've come to learn that most of us do want it, and seek it out in various ways....
For example, I've learned about myself recently that I use my extroverted personality to be somewhat more friendly around guys because it makes me feel closer to them and that is something that validates me in my mind. Knowing that I can get emotionally close to a guy makes me feel better about myself.
Another example that I've seen in one of my friends is that she loves having male companions. Usually these male companions end up seeking lustful relations with my friend, and she usually submits. Why? Because she wants to be validated and she wants to feel as though she has the approval of a man in her life.
I have another friend who thrives off of male attention. She has a boyfriend, who mistreats and abuses her. But she stays with him and loves him with all of her entire whole heart! Why? Because she's seeking the validation of a man in her life.
Why why why do we seek this affirmation from men? Is there something biologically wrong with all women that causes us to have this HUGE VOID in our hearts which can only be filled by men?!??

Fortunately and unfortunately, the answer is no. This answer is unfortunate because all of us women are searching so hard for something to fill this void in literally ALL the wrong places. And I do mean literally. But this is also fortunate because if men could fill this huge void in our hearts, we'd never seek out the love of THE ONLY MAN that is worthy enough to fill it. He's the only one who can truly fill it and truly satisfy our needs......

I've had to learn this lesson the hard way... Fortunately and unfortunately. I endured so much pain in order to come to this realization, but I know for sure that it was sooooooooo worth it!! And I'm glad that I'm able to see that no man can fill this void so that I can tell all the women around me about the only man that can.... Jesus.

Man. There are really so many ways in which he showed this love for us and I probably couldn't even fit it all into one post. Recently, I've learned about how he suffered through so much freaking pain in expression of his love for us. Like can you even imagine a guy that would suffer through humiliation for you, ladies?!? A man that would be whipped and brutally beaten and then crucified in front of HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE just to show that he loves you?!? Man.... Really he's just been showing me more and more each day how great his love is for ME. ME specifically.

Jesus loves ME. So much more than any guy on this earth could ever love me! And because of that, I give my heart to him. My heart in its entirety. I know that only he knows what to do with it and I pray that the beautiful women around me will learn to do the same... It ain't easy, but it's so worth it.....

Let's just seek the validation of the man who loves us more than ANYTHING. ♥ ♥ ♥

So.... You want me to confront my pain, God? You want me to seek you to better understand how to deal with it?
Why couldn't this just be something that I could get over easily?
Why do I have to suffer through this and hurt so much? Is this like punishment? Or is this you making me stronger and better? Because it really kinda just seems like I'm just hurting a lot and hurting doesn't feel like it's making me stronger... It seems like it's making me angrier! I thought I was over this, God.... I thought I could move on and be happy again.
Am I like emotionally unstable or something? Maybe I just shouldn't be involved with him at all!
Well, if that's the case then why do you even have me here? Why does it seem like following you only causes more hurt?



But I just learned not to lose faith in you. I just learned that although it doesn't seem like you can win this battle, I shouldn't trade you in for anything because YOU WIN EVERYTHING.
...... It just really hurts me right now. And I don't think it should.
But your timing is perfect and I'm where I am right now for a reason.... Though I can't see or feel it, I'm sure you've got something great for me...... Right?