Lettin Out Some Feelings

I haven't been on facebook for about a week.
... Before coming on here I was gonna sign on.. But I thought long and hard as I was on the login page... And I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.. The same feeling I get when I know I'm about to do something wrong... Why would I move forward and do what I know God doesn't want me to do?
I think I should've deleted my facebook account altogether after the incident with you-know-who. . .
Because everytime I logged on to facebook, I went to person's page. And I looked at person's (BILLIONS OF) statuses. And. . . I just wanted to know if any were about me.. And if anyone else was there.. In person's life.. I don't know.. I talked to my brother Nahshon about it all.. And he took safari off of my iPod.. I pretty much stayed away from the computer at home.. And I stayed off of facebook. Off of person's page... Away from person... And it hurts.. Because when I don't see person I just feel weird...  But when I do see person... I feel even more weird.. Like last time I saw person in the hall, it was like just the two of us and I literally said "Oh crap". . . I don't know if person heard me or what but that's what I said.. It was just weird.. Because that was the day I made up in my mind that I was absolutely completely done.. I have to be done. This isn't what God wants for me... And what's good is there's a boy in my science class that I like. We keep in touch sort of.. He's hilarous.. Keeps me rollin.. And we flirt :) I admit..
He seems pretty sweet, too. :) I like him.. :)
I don't know I mean.. I guess.. Haha.. :) Yeah I'm smilin right now, too..
And that makes me think about person again.. For reasons that I do not wanna mention.. But the good thing is that I've had a lotta support from people who don't even know all that's goin on right now... Just know that I need prayer.. And that's such a blessing.. I didn't have to tell Mr. Allen anything at all and he's been prayin for me. Thank God for real bro! Like really..
Thank him so much!
Ugh... I know I'll make it through.. And start ministering once I get this sorted out.. Once you-know-who leaves and goes off to college and I hopefully won't be at Sumner next year.. Hopefully I'll be somewhere outta this state.. Hopefully I won't have anything to remind me of you-know-who and hopefully I won't ever have to feel the pain of those memories ever again.. Hopefully... Prayerfully...
But thank God, in the meantime..
Praise him. :)

Done.

I think I'm gonna have to let  this one go
There's this feeling that's been there.. I KNEW but now know
Cause what you aren't gonna do is play with my feelings
Leave me broken hearted and not care for my healing
So I guess a "wake up call" was all I needed
Cause I'm done with you boo. And I'm not even heated..
Done.

My Daddy

I love my stepdad. He is thee greatest father I have ever had.. Besides God of course.. I just wanted to post something in dedication to him because he is such a great Christian man.. Always out to please someone else.. And to be a helping hand to someone else.. And always puts his feelings after everyone else's. I love this man.. I want my husband to be just like my daddy.. Both daddies.. Andrew Cage.. And God.. I love them both.. And my stepdad reminds me of God sometimes.. I love him.. I love them both and thank God for HIMSELF and for my stepdad.

From Pain to Poems

Who on earth do you think you are? Because no one on earth can judge me

Not you or anyone else.

To tell me who or what you think I am.. You have no idea what I've been through

You don't know with what I've dealt.

You can't tell me that I try too hard. You don't know what's runnin through my mind.

You don't even know how sensitive I am.

You don't know that I cried because of what you said. Not for long but I did.

And you probably don't give a damn.

What were you thinking when you said that to me? Did you think that it would hurt me any?

Do you even care at all?

There's so much I wanna say to you. So much I would love to do.

But I can't.. Cuz that's God's call..

It's not my battle I guess.. But what were you trying to accomplish by saying what you did?

Was it your main purpose to hurt me?

If so, mission accomplished, bud! You hurt me bad.. Maybe not for long..

But I sure hope your happy..

Maybe I'll try not to act like a "white girl in a black girl's body" when I'm around you.

Maybe I won't "try so hard".

Maybe just for you I won't be me. Maybe that'll satisfy you.

Couldn't think of anything that rhymes with hard so I'll just end this poem.. At least I got my feelins out.. But yeah Cedric you're a butt head.. Hope you know that.

Just Some Stuff :)

I think I'm finally gonna get the closure I need

But is this really closure? Or this just greed?

Getting something I don't need or ending something wrong?

Haven't I heard about this in a song?

My mind's tellin me no, but my body's tellin me yes.

My mind is saying go, my body is to be second guessed.

I'm still unsure of a lot of different things

And I'm not at all sure about what tomorrow brings

But I do know that I can't seem to keep my mind off of you.

No matter how hard they try, my head- they can't get it through

I know I know.. Just not sure enough..

With weapons like these, it's gonna get rough.

Understand that I will end up winning after this

I guess a couple of times I just need to be dismissed..

I guess I just wanted to try out this new pic

But it was really in my heart to type out all of this.

The reason why I chose this picture is really simple

I just want to smile. I do so when I see YOUR dimples.

So whenever I come on and type about all my pain

I will see your face and smile. And hopefully be once again sane.

No reason for this post really.. Just typing out some thoughts

So don't think it's about anything. Just writin. Love ya lots! :)

Smile:)

I hope this will cover up the pain

Everything I'm feeling.. I've given up on this game.

I've thrown in the towel and admitted my shame

But what's left to do when you're who's to blame.

It sucks.. Living life like you're all happy

Cause u don't wanna admit that your life is raw and sappy

That it's more complicated than it really seems

But my whole life's just been ripped at the seams.

So what to do? Just hope this covers it up

Just sit here and smile. Don't say a word... Just shut up

Hold your head up high and pray to THEE most high

That u can hold on to this smile as another day goes by..

Well I hope this will cover up all of my pain

Cause inside my head, I feel I'm insane.

So I hope I can cover my pain with this smile.

And I pray that this smile will be worth your while.

Cause I don't want my pain to rub off on u

Just see my smile and pray that I will make it through

Check This Out

*deep sigh*... Long and deep...

So I know what's right.. And I know what's wrong.. Ok. I get it.. I get that when you're done you're done.. I get it.. And I do not want you to be done with me.. I don't..

I'm gonna try not to use the word "but" in this at all (Nahshon) :).

I wish you could understand where I'm coming from so that I could tell you all this.. I guess I'm just not ready for that.. I don't know why.. Just like you said she's gonna end up doing what she wants.. Well I guess same with me.. And I guess I just need to figure this one out on my own.. Maybe this is just a phase.. Maybe... I mean I don't know.. But... Pray for me.. And I mean I guess try to help me.. But not to the point where I feel like I'm being judged.. And if I'm not then I guess that's just my guilt huh?

I mean I've been doing just what I wanted to do for not a while but recently.. And I know that I probably shouldn't... But please just let me learn this on my own..

I just feel so weird whenever we're around each other now because it's like it's always in the back of my mind.. I don't know... Just... Let's pray.. Together.. Please.. Let's pray together.. Because I want us to stay together... Forever... You're my sister.. We need to stay together.. I love u.. Please just let me learn on my own.. I won't know unless I try.. And I'm trying.. I know that when I play with fire I will get burned.. Just pray for me please.. Please..

And I'm sorry for not telling you all that's going on.. I just don't think you would understand.. I really want to tell you because I don't really have anyone to tell.. I've told Enrique... But he's just not a good listener.. :P

But let me know what you're thinking...

Love you.