Stream of tears Consciousness

I don't have all the words, yet I still wish to create poetry
I wish my words could mean something but I don't think they do
And I really feel that they don't
But what the hell am I actually feeling?
Cuz I am feeling like everything is wrong, but at the same time I can't put my finger on one specific thing
Except two days ago I was talking with the guys on my floor. They started randomly talking about how many Black people attended their high school. They talked about the privileged people with whom they attended school, but only 13 of those kids were Black. They talked about how they lived in a Suburb, so that's probably why. And I felt disgusting. So disgusting that today when I came in and one of them complimented my hair, I no longer felt special or admirable. I just felt like shit.
Like... My hair is different. That was my exact thought when the masseuse was rubbing my jawline to work out the knots. His hands slowly moved across the back of my head, and I tensed up immediately thinking "Oh no. My hair is different. He's probably never touched a Black girl's hair before."
That too felt like shit.
I heard on a podcast once that "White supremacy is the normalizing of Whiteness." That shit stuck
And the more I learn, the more I can see it... The more I can see why "my hair is different"
The more I can see why it's a huge deal that Wyatt went to high school with five Black people, and Jacob's suburban high school only had thirteen.
That's why every time "my hair is different" they feel the need to comment on it. Like I'm a fucking circus animal. Or like I'm a zoo pet.
Shit. That's why people that I consider to be good fucking White friends pet my head when they see my afro.
I can't hate White people because Jesus loves me in all of my sinful ignorance. Shit.
And as much as it hurts me to be objectified and stereotyped and marginalized and othered, Jesus gets it.

And it hurts like hell, dude. I'm so sick of fucking Whiteness.